Voiceover:
Have you run afoul of the law on charges that are totally bogus?
(Scene
of innocent patsy hauled away in handcuffs, screaming “This is a frame-up job!”
while onlookers turn away in apathy)
Voiceover:
Is a seller asking way too much for a house you know is worth less than half the list price?
(Scene
of a dilapidated house with a “For Sale” sign outside; a graphic stating “1,000,000”
overlays that, then is abruptly overlain itself with the word “DUMP!”)
Voiceover:
Are you tired of being constantly cut in line wherever you go?
(Scene
of a short person standing in line, trying to advance but blocked and forced
backward by very tall people suddenly walking in front)
Voiceover:
Fret no more, because you can have your own personal on-demand advocate ready
to fight the good fight for you at a moment’s notice, here at Paid to Care,
LLC!
(Scene
of the innocent patsy in a jail cell; a Paid to Care Representative appears at
the door)
Representative
1: Hi there! I’m here to produce video
documentation, three or more eyewitnesses, bank records, and/or an
award-winning monologue to get you right on out of there!
Innocent
Patsy: Wow! That’s nothing short of miraculous! (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!
(Scene
of an office with the house buyers and sellers arguing around a table, waving
papers at each other – another Paid to Care Representative smoothly steps in
front of the table to face the camera)
Representative
2: (Smiling broadly and gesturing to each party in turn) Now, you know you’re
selling a dump, so we absolutely refuse to pay any more than market value,
which is at most a quarter of what you’re asking, and when I say “we,” I mean
these guys, our wonderful clients!
Sellers:
Aw, shucks, you’ve got us there! (Throws
papers on the table to demonstrate defeat)
Buyers:
At last, justice is served! Thanks, Paid
to Care!
Representative
2: No need to thank me; I’m not paying a dime!
(Winks at the camera)
(Scene
of the short person still being cut in line by more and more tall people arriving;
an extremely buff Paid to Care Representative appears and begins tossing away
the line-cutters left and right)
Representative
3: That’ll teach you to jump the line, you self-centered space-takers! (Grabs another person towards the front)
Client:
Wait, that one was there before me!
Representative
3: Oh. As you were. (Lets go of the person, who can breathe
again) As I was saying, the rest of you
maggots wait your turn! (To Client) Proceed.
Client: Golly gee, wish I had your physical and moral strength!
(To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!
(Is cut in line again)
Representative
3: (Grabbing the line-cutter and hauling them away overhead) What is it with
you people?! I despair in humanity!
Voiceover:
No request is too big, too small, or too dangerous! Call us now at 1-800-PAI-D2C-AREZ and reserve
that special someone to fight your battles for you today! (In a lower rushed voice)
Results-not-guaranteed-in-every-situation-a-non-refundable-deposit-of-$1,000.00-is-required-upfront-this-does-not-include-any-and-all-fees-taxes-interest-rates-and/or-insurace-costs-Paid-to-Care-LLC-is-not-responsible-for-any-and-all-damage-resulting-from-revenge-seekers-clients-agree-to-indemnify-and-hold-harmless-Paid-to-Care-for-blowback-
(In normal voice) We’re here to serve YOU!
