Showing posts with label school raffle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school raffle. Show all posts

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Story 262: Winning the High School Raffle


            (Scene: A high school cafeteria repurposed into an amateur auction hall – the round tables are grouped facing a podium, and gift baskets are everywhere)
            PTO President: And now, for the 50/50.  (Holds a bucket out to an unbiased child on loan for the occasion) The winner of this drawing also will receive a free Chess Club T-shirt, yay!  (One audience member claps) Yeah.  And the winner is – (Takes ticket from the unbiased child, who disappears into the crowd) zero… zero… two… five….
            Parent 1: Hurry up!  The tension is killing me!
            PTO President: Oh, are these numbers matching your ticket?
            Parent 1: Heck no, I never do 50/50s, now come on!
            PTO President: Uh… eight-four!
            (Massive groans are heard)
          Winner: (Holding the ticket high into the air) YES!  YES-YES-YES-YES-YESSSSS!!!!  (Runs to the stage, still with the ticket aloft)
            PTO President: Um, hello, can I just check – (Cranes head to check the ticket number)
            Winner: Sure-go-ahead-I-won!  (Tosses ticket to the PTO President, who struggles to snatch it out of the air) Now where’s the T-shirt?
            PTO President: (Grabs the ticket and checks the number) Uhhhh, here you go.  (Reaches into a bag, pulls out the shirt, and hands it to the Winner)
            Winner: Sweeeeet!  (Pulls on the shirt over a sweater)
            PTO President: (Reviewing notes) Oh, and your winnings in the 50/50 are –
            Winner: (Admiring shirt) Don’t care – give it to the school or flush it down the toilet, your choice.
            PTO President: Uh, that’s very… nice of –
            Winner: Got my shirt and I’m out, ahahahaha!!! (Runs out of the cafeteria; after leaving the door, can be heard faintly) Losers.
            Parent 2: Does she even have any kids who go to this school?
            PTO President: (Struggling with notes) Now then, time for our silent auction.  Our first basket is a “Girls’ Night Out” Theme –
            Parent 3: (Stands) Actually, that was updated to “Night Out” because everyone was tired of the spa packages and store coupons, so we just filled the basket with candy and booze.  (Sits)
            PTO President: Ohhh… kaaaayyy…. And the winner for “Night Out” is – (Searches the crowd) Where’s the unbiased child to pull the numbers?
            Parent 4: They left – it was time for beddy-bye.
            PTO President: Fine, I’m pulling the numbers then.  (Pulls out a ticket) And the winner is: zero… zero….
            Parent 5: That’s me! 
            PTO President: That’s everybody.
            Parent 5: Proceed.
            PTO President: Seven… I mean one…
            Parent 6: Aw, man, there goes that!
            PTO President: Nine… two… seven.
            Parent 5: That’s me!
            PTO President: That’s – oh whoops, sorry, that was a one again.
            Parent 5: That’s me!
            PTO President: Seriously?
            Parent 5: Oh yes.  (Walks to the stage carrying a bag full of tickets; hands one to the PTO President) Here you go!
            PTO President: (Checks it) Oh wow, it’s a match.  Basket’s yours, then.  (Hands over the basket)
            Parent 5: (Raises it aloft) Party at my house, fellas!
            Parents: Woot!  Woot!
            PTO President: Please sit down.  (Parent 5 returns to seat) Now, the next basket is donated items signed by our local football celebrity, whose team is in the playoffs this year, isn’t that great?  (Silence) OK then, let me see who won this…. (Checks corresponding bucket) There’re no tickets in here?!
            Parent 3: Yeah, nobody wanted random stuff signed by him: he was a brat when he went here, and he’s an even bigger brat now.
            PTO President: But he donated all this stuff!
            Parent 3: All this used stuff.
            PTO President: Oh.  Ew.  All right, next.  (Uses foot to push the previous basket off the stage) This one has an all-inclusive trip to the North Pole with passes to meet Santa Claus and – this is a gag basket, isn’t it.
            Parent 7: (Laughing hysterically) Man, people fall for that every time!
            PTO President: Wait a minute, is there anything actually real in this one?
            Parent 7: The basket?
            PTO President: Forget it.  (Foot-pushes that basket off the stage) We’re going to move on to the artwork raffle.  (More groans in the audience) C’mon people, these were made by your children!
            Parent 4: Apparently we don’t like our children.
            PTO President: Monsters.  (Pulls out a framed watercolor of a landscape) My goodness, that’s awful – ly full of potential!  Starting bid is $1,000.00
            Parent 6: This ain’t a New York auction house, you know.
            PTO President: Clearly.  All right, $1.00?  (Silence for half a minute, then Parent 8 slowly raises a hand) Sold!  (Parent 8 slowly comes to the stage to take the painting)  Is this is your kid’s?
            Parent 8: Yes, yes: you win, world, I will no longer force my child to be a brilliantly starving artist, are you happy?!
            PTO President: I think the world and your child are, yes.  Now let’s go back to the baskets –
            Parent 3: Wait a minute, what about the art?
            PTO President: The rest won’t move, and we’ve got another 25 baskets to get through in less than an hour.
            Parent 4: But what about the sculpture of the battling dragons sitting right there?  Now that I may actually bid money on.
            PTO President: Really?
            Parent 4: …No, never mind; I’m too cheap.
            Parent 5: Can I just take all the baskets home?  The odds of you picking my tickets for each are ridiculously high.
            PTO President: No you cannot, and we are going to be here all night if you people don’t stop interrupting the proceedings!
            Parent 7: Can we all just write a check donating money to the school or something and skip the rest?
            PTO President: No!  This is supposed to be fun and team-building and you get cool stuff!  Now I am going to keep calling tickets for baskets of random knick-knacks and you will all stay here until the end to listen and complain that you never win anything, all right?!
            Parent 8: If it makes you happy.
            PTO President: It doesn’t!  I’m not even supposed to be PTO President this year but no one else wanted to do it!  This is strictly volunteer and I resent every minute of it!
            Parent 8: Even if it’s for your kid?
            PTO President: My kid graduated last year!  Why won’t you people let me goooooo????? (Sits on the stage to cradle a basket and weep)
            Parent 4: (To Parent 6) Still the best PTO President we’ve had in ages.