(Scene:
A high school cafeteria repurposed into an amateur auction hall – the round
tables are grouped facing a podium, and gift baskets are everywhere)
PTO
President: And now, for the 50/50.
(Holds a bucket out to an unbiased child on loan for the occasion) The
winner of this drawing also will receive a free Chess Club T-shirt, yay! (One audience member claps) Yeah. And the winner is – (Takes ticket from the
unbiased child, who disappears into the crowd) zero… zero… two… five….
Parent
1: Hurry up! The tension is killing me!
PTO
President: Oh, are these numbers matching your ticket?
Parent
1: Heck no, I never do 50/50s, now come on!
PTO
President: Uh… eight-four!
(Massive
groans are heard)
Winner:
(Holding the ticket high into the air) YES!
YES-YES-YES-YES-YESSSSS!!!! (Runs
to the stage, still with the ticket aloft)
PTO
President: Um, hello, can I just check – (Cranes head to check the ticket number)
Winner:
Sure-go-ahead-I-won! (Tosses ticket to
the PTO President, who struggles to snatch it out of the air) Now where’s the
T-shirt?
PTO
President: (Grabs the ticket and checks the number) Uhhhh, here you go. (Reaches into a bag, pulls out the shirt, and
hands it to the Winner)
Winner:
Sweeeeet! (Pulls on the shirt over a
sweater)
PTO
President: (Reviewing notes) Oh, and your winnings in the 50/50 are –
Winner:
(Admiring shirt) Don’t care – give it to the school or flush it down the
toilet, your choice.
PTO
President: Uh, that’s very… nice of –
Winner:
Got my shirt and I’m out, ahahahaha!!! (Runs out of the cafeteria; after
leaving the door, can be heard faintly) Losers.
Parent
2: Does she even have any kids who go to this school?
PTO
President: (Struggling with notes) Now then, time for our silent auction. Our first basket is a “Girls’ Night Out”
Theme –
Parent
3: (Stands) Actually, that was updated to “Night Out” because everyone was
tired of the spa packages and store coupons, so we just filled the basket with
candy and booze. (Sits)
PTO
President: Ohhh… kaaaayyy…. And the winner for “Night Out” is – (Searches the
crowd) Where’s the unbiased child to pull the numbers?
Parent
4: They left – it was time for beddy-bye.
PTO
President: Fine, I’m pulling the numbers then.
(Pulls out a ticket) And the winner is: zero… zero….
Parent
5: That’s me!
PTO
President: That’s everybody.
Parent
5: Proceed.
PTO
President: Seven… I mean one…
Parent
6: Aw, man, there goes that!
PTO
President: Nine… two… seven.
Parent
5: That’s me!
PTO
President: That’s – oh whoops, sorry, that was a one again.
Parent
5: That’s me!
PTO
President: Seriously?
Parent
5: Oh yes. (Walks to the stage carrying
a bag full of tickets; hands one to the PTO President) Here you go!
PTO
President: (Checks it) Oh wow, it’s a match.
Basket’s yours, then. (Hands over
the basket)
Parent
5: (Raises it aloft) Party at my house, fellas!
Parents:
Woot! Woot!
PTO
President: Please sit down. (Parent 5
returns to seat) Now, the next basket is donated items signed by our local football
celebrity, whose team is in the playoffs this year, isn’t that great? (Silence) OK then, let me see who won this….
(Checks corresponding bucket) There’re no tickets in here?!
Parent
3: Yeah, nobody wanted random stuff signed by him: he was a brat when he went
here, and he’s an even bigger brat now.
PTO
President: But he donated all this stuff!
Parent
3: All this used stuff.
PTO
President: Oh. Ew. All right, next. (Uses foot to push the previous basket off
the stage) This one has an all-inclusive trip to the North Pole with passes to
meet Santa Claus and – this is a gag basket, isn’t it.
Parent
7: (Laughing hysterically) Man, people fall for that every time!
PTO
President: Wait a minute, is there anything actually real in this one?
Parent
7: The basket?
PTO
President: Forget it. (Foot-pushes that
basket off the stage) We’re going to move on to the artwork raffle. (More groans in the audience) C’mon people,
these were made by your children!
Parent
4: Apparently we don’t like our children.
PTO
President: Monsters. (Pulls out a framed
watercolor of a landscape) My goodness, that’s awful – ly full of
potential! Starting bid is $1,000.00
Parent
6: This ain’t a New York auction house, you know.
PTO
President: Clearly. All right,
$1.00? (Silence for half a minute, then
Parent 8 slowly raises a hand) Sold!
(Parent 8 slowly comes to the stage to take the painting) Is this is your kid’s?
Parent
8: Yes, yes: you win, world, I will no longer force my child to be a
brilliantly starving artist, are you happy?!
PTO
President: I think the world and your child are, yes. Now let’s go back to the baskets –
Parent
3: Wait a minute, what about the art?
PTO
President: The rest won’t move, and we’ve got another 25 baskets to get through
in less than an hour.
Parent
4: But what about the sculpture of the battling dragons sitting right
there? Now that I may actually
bid money on.
PTO
President: Really?
Parent
4: …No, never mind; I’m too cheap.
Parent
5: Can I just take all the baskets home?
The odds of you picking my tickets for each are ridiculously high.
PTO
President: No you cannot, and we are going to be here all night if you people
don’t stop interrupting the proceedings!
Parent
7: Can we all just write a check donating money to the school or something and
skip the rest?
PTO
President: No! This is supposed to be
fun and team-building and you get cool stuff!
Now I am going to keep calling tickets for baskets of random
knick-knacks and you will all stay here until the end to listen and complain
that you never win anything, all right?!
Parent
8: If it makes you happy.
PTO
President: It doesn’t! I’m not even
supposed to be PTO President this year but no one else wanted to do it! This is strictly volunteer and I resent every
minute of it!
Parent
8: Even if it’s for your kid?
PTO
President: My kid graduated last year!
Why won’t you people let me goooooo????? (Sits on the stage to cradle a
basket and weep)
Parent
4: (To Parent 6) Still the best PTO President we’ve had in ages.
