Story 220: It’s Not That Cold

THE PRESENT

Friend 1: You’re wearing shorts?!  It’s 50°F outside!

            Friend 2: What’s your point?

            Friend 1: It’s too cold for that lack of clothing to be appropriate!

            Friend 2: I’m celebrating the False Spring we are in the midst of right now.

            Friend 1: It’s really not that warm, and it’s going back down to 12° tomorrow.

            Friend 2: It’s all relative, if you recall the past few weeks.

            Friend 1: I guess….

THE WEEK BEFORE THAT

            Friend 2: The bomb cyclone is here!

           Friend 1: Would you knock that off?  Yes, we have achieved single digits, and yes, we all are transforming into icicles mid-step the moment we open the door, but really, people in the naturally wintry parts of the world are probably laughing at us as we flail around in our helplessness right now.

            Friend 2: How do you mean?

         Friend 1: I’d think that when sub-zero temperatures are your everyday reality, listening to anyone complain about being anywhere above that short-term must be a joke.

            Friend 2: It is literally freezing right now!

            Friend 1: And yet, it can always get colder.

THE WEEK BEFORE THAT

            Friend 2: Remember that polar vortex we had a few years ago?

            Friend 1: What’s left of my toes do, yes.

            Friend 2: Then say hello to this year’s equivalent: the bomb cyclone.

          Friend 1: That is a terrible name for a weather condition.  And it’s already 30°F – how much colder could it get?

            Friend 2: There’s plenty of room for that answer.

THE PRESENT

            Friend 1: All right, I’ll give you that it’s much warmer now, but you’re still wearing unhealthy attire, and right now it’s snowing in Florida!  Of all places!

            Friend 2: Then I will face the End Times in my luxuriously heated apartment, dreaming of the days not far behind and soon to come when we’ll be whining that it’s too hot and we’re all melting from the humidity.

Story 219: Winter Woes of the Car Owner

            She got into her car and started the ignition, as one does.

            “Hi,” The Car said to her.

            “Huh?” she replied.

            “Listen,” The Car continued, “normally I let my indicator lights do the talking, but we’ve got a situation here that’s been flying under the radar for far too long, if you get my drift.”

            “What?”

            “Look, neither of us is getting any younger and we’ve had a good run so far, but it’s time to face facts and realize that I desperately need a heart transplant.”

            “What?!”

            “Right, I forgot, humans call it a ‘battery.’  Whatever.”

            She finally snapped out of her shock.  “I am not getting a new battery; I just got a new battery!”

            “That was over four years ago, darling.”

            “No it wasn’t!  It was – that summer when – last year – no, the year before – ohhhh….”

            “Yes, time doth fly and all that.  Bottom line is, the life expectancy of this thing’s three to five years, so we’re creeping up on the maximum limit right now.  Plus the weather’s been in the single digits lately and that snow and salt’ve been doing me absolutely no good whatsoever.”

            “But the battery’s working just fine!  It’s working right now!  And while you’re insisting something’s wrong with it, you’re just keeping yourself idling, which is costly, noxious, and wasteful!”

            “Nothing’s stopping you from driving – we can still chat on the go.”

            She agreed with that at least and began her work commute.  “But I don’t see why I should spend the money on something that’s working just fine!” she brought up again.  “Nothing’s wrong with it!”

            The Car sighed through the vents.  “‘Nothing’s wrong with it’?  Do you even listen to me when you’re in here?!”

            “Of course I do!  You purr like a freaking kitten!”

            “I haven’t purred in a decade and you know it – I have been stuttering, sputtering, and stalling lately.”

            “What, that one time?  Not going to the mechanic for that!”

            “Try 15 times.  In the past month.”

            “…Well, you’re getting old, it’s to be expected.  Outta my way, jerk!”  <BEEEEEP!>

            “Much as I admire your callousness to my years and your rough handling of my steering column, you really need to accept that there’s a problem when it’s literally screaming at you in the face.”

            “I clearly don’t have time for this right now.  How about after the holidays I’ll bring you in for a nice expensive tune-up and have this all straightened out then, hm?”

            “I’ll try to reschedule my chronic conditions to your convenience.”

ONE WEEK LATER

            She got into her car and tried to start it.

            “Huh?”

            STUTTER – SPUTTER – GASP – KLUNK

            “Oh no-no-no-no-no-” she obeyed the futile instinct of continuing to turn the failed ignition.

            The Car could not remain silent.  “I told you, I told you, and I told you, and still you chose to brush me off – BEHOLD THE RESULT!”

            “No-no-no-no-” she insisted on repeating and turning, both of which were pointless time-fillers.  “Why does this always happen when I have to go somewhere?”

           “That really would be the only reason to start a car, wouldn’t it?  To go somewhere?”

            “What am I going to do?!”  She banged her head against the steering wheel.

            “Your only actual option right now is to get me a new battery!  Twit.”

            “But it’s a blizzard out there and I have to get to work!”

            “Call for a tank or call out sick; I’m done.”

            She got out of The Car and slammed the door.  “You know, I liked you better when you weren’t sassin’ me!”

           “Likewise.  And if you play your cards right, you’ll also get to replace the transmission within a few days, `cause that’s next.”

Story 218: The Last Solstice

            Friend 1: Did you see what’s trending lately?

            Friend 2: The latest Astro Conflicts movie?

            Friend 1: No, the thing about the Winter Solstice.

           Friend 2: No.  Wasn’t that last week?  We’re not even in the new year yet and I can’t wait until we get back those hours of sunlight, just in time for it to swing back all over again.

          Friend 1: Well, you’re going to have to keep on waiting: look what’s happening.  (Holds up laptop to show story)

            Friend 2: (Reads from screen) “Disturbingly, the Earth is continuing to tilt away from the Sun instead of doing its usual reversal of course this time of year.  Scientists around the world can find no explanation for this behavior and are finally resorting to the ‘Wages of Sin’ theory that they have held out so long against.  In the meantime, residents of the Northern Hemisphere should expect to go on losing a minute of sunlight each day and vice versa for the Southern Hemisphere until the Earth eventually turns upside-down from its original position, reversing the magnetic poles, crashing the tectonic plates into each other, disrupting the magnetic field, and imploding the planet’s core (that last one remains to be verified).  In all events, for at least the next six months expect your Internet and phone service to be spotty at best.”  Is this for real?

            Friend 1: Darn tootin’ it’s for real.  I knew something was wrong the moment I didn’t feel the Earth shudder as it reversed its tilt this time.

            Friend 2: Nobody ever feels that; you’re a liar.

            Friend 1: But see!  We are still tilting backwards!

           Friend 2: Says who, this bot that spits out random non-news so you’ll click on the ads?  Why hasn’t any source that is actually legitimate reported on this yet if it’s true?

           Friend 1: Are you serious?  Do you know the global panic that would ensue if this story was broadcast on platforms that people actually paid attention to?!

            Friend 2: I doubt that would happen – no one’s felt the effects they’re predicting yet, so it’ll just be business as usual `til the lights go out.

           Friend 1: Exactly!  Everything will be topsy-turvy for reals!  Not only will our half of the Earth be in perpetual darkness and the other half in perpetual light until we eventually switch, but you just know all our electronic stuff’s gonna get all kinds of messed up!  Along with the devices that are, you know, literally keeping people alive.

            Friend 2: Maybe.

            Friend 1: Maybe?!  And what about our orbit, hm?  How are we supposed to be travelling our nice ellipsis around the Sun in an orderly fashion if our tilts and spins suddenly turn into wibbilies and wobbilies?!

            Friend 2: Well –

            Friend 1: And the Moon!  The poor thing won’t know which side to face or where go or what to do that it might finally crash into us once and for all!

            Friend 2: Well –

           Friend 1:  Oh no!  (Holds arms out to keep still) I feel it!  I feel the tilting back too far!  It’s not stopping!  Our gravitational field is failing at last, help!

            Friend 2: Are you done?

            Friend 1: (Drops arms) Never.

          Friend 2: If everything you mentioned actually does happen, then there’s nothing we can do about it: we don’t have the technology to evacuate the planet and we’d all be doomed, so no point in worrying about something you can’t change.  At most, get extra door locks, supplies, and a weapon or two to ward off the inevitable looting, and once that blows over enjoy the free time by coming to peace with your life until the end arrives.

            Friend 1: You’re taking a potential global catastrophe rather calmly.

          Friend 2: It’s the same plan I have for all world-ending events: Y2K, zombie uprising, world-wide flooding, the descent into apathy.  Best just to ride these things out.