Story 298: I Never Knew I Needed That in My Life Until I Saw It

            In an all-things store, Shopper wandered up and down the aisles looking for one last item to pick up so that the store’s gift card could finally be finished off and she would never have to go there again.  At the end of the next-to-last aisle there was a small table display that Shopper casually glanced at, then did a double-take as one of items caught her eye.  She slowly and reverently picked it up to hold it closer to her face and read the description.

            “This,” she said after a few moments.  “This.”

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“What is this?” her father asked from his seat at the kitchen table, picking up the box with neither reverence nor care.

“This,” Shopper replied, snatching the box back, “is a chair.  An all-purpose, full-support, transport-anywhere, sit-anywhere chair.  It folds up in itself so that you can literally tuck it into your pants pocket.  And it’s endorsed by the Army, so there you go.”

“OK, but why?”

“Because they use it maybe?”

“No, I mean why buy it?  What do you need it for?”

“The question you should be asking is, ‘What don’t you need it for?’”

“No, I’d rather hear an answer to the first one.”

“All right: everything!”  She spread her arms to encompass the world and nearly dropped the box in the process.  “I mean, who knows if you’re out somewhere and find yourself thinking, ‘If only I had a chair to sit down on, then all would be well.’  Now, you can have one, ready to go, AT ALL TIMES.”

“I guess, but how often do you think you’ll find yourself in need of a chair?”

“Often enough!  I’m tired of holding up the wall everywhere I go!”

“I doubt you need to that much.”

“Once is too many!  You don’t realize how this seemingly innocuous impulse buy has changed my life!  Observe.”  She pulled the folded-up chair out of the box, flicked it open, snapped the supports into place, and gingerly settled onto the no-backed canvas seat.  “I’ll never have to stand again.”

“Whatever – it looks uncomfortable.”

“It’s built for efficiency not comfort, Dad!”

“I guess.  Can I try it out, then?”

“Sure.”

She stood and her father gingerly sat on the canvas seat.  “Huh,” he commented.

“You see?”

“It could come in handy, I guess.  I do go to a lot of concerts – yes, I think this would do just fine for those – ”

She yanked the chair out from under him; he stumbled but remained on his feet.  Quickly folding up the chair and running upstairs, she shouted down to him: “Get your own super-convenient previously unknown necessity, poacher!”

He settled back onto the kitchen chair.  “Dangit, now that I’ve seen it, I need one.”

Story 297: Breaking Into Your Own House

           (Friend 1 and Friend 2, laden down with beach trip supplies, stumble out the side door of Friend 2’s house)

            Friend 1: – and I just know the traffic’s gonna be backed up for at least two miles down the highway as we get closer to the beach – although they did replace that dinky drawbridge with an actual super-high bridge, so that should help – I hate drawbridges, especially when you see it’s just somebody’s pleasure dinghy passing through, such a boat-people-inconvenience inflicted on the rest of us driving stiffs –

            Friend 2: (Pulls the door shut and starts searching pockets) Uh-huh – you got the sunscreen?

            Friend 1: Huh?  Oh yeah.  (Scrambles through a huge bag and pulls out a bottle) SPF 100!

            Friend 2: (Pauses momentarily) Is that even real?

            Friend 1: No idea, but I am not taking any chances: our star shows no mercy on her children.

            Friend 2: (Distractedly patting shirt and shorts all over) Yeah, yeah – say, you got the keys?

            Friend 1: Why would I have the keys; it’s your house.

            Friend 2: (Leans over to search the huge bag, tossing items onto the ground) Did you throw them in here?

            Friend 1: (Yanking back the bag) Hey-hey, again I say, why would I have the keys, it’s your house!  Maybe you left them on the kitchen table.

            Friend 2: Why would I – (Freezes as a mental picture of the keys appears) I left them on the kitchen table.

            Friend 1: Yay, mystery solved!  Let’s go.  (Picks items off the ground and stuffs them back into the bag)

            Friend 2: We can’t go now, we’re locked out of the house!

            Friend 1: So?  We’re not going to the house, we’re going to the beach.

            Friend 2: And how’re we going to back into the house later?

            Friend 1: Well I don’t need to get back into the house, `cause I’m going home later.

            Friend 2: Excuse me?!

            Friend 1: For what?

            Friend 2: Your inane babble is what distracted me from taking the keys in the first place, and you’re just gonna leave me here, locked out, and go home?!!

            Friend 1: …Heh-heh-heh, of course not, what kind of person would do that?

            Friend 2: You!

            Friend 1: Well you’ve got me there.  Listen –

            Friend 2: (Starts pulling own hair in frustration) Argh!

            Friend 1: Don’t you have a spare key lying under a fake lawn gnome or something?

            Friend 2: No, that’s the first place a thief would look!  The spare’s at my parents’ house, and they’re in Iceland right now!

            Friend 1: So where’s their spare?

            Friend 2: In my house!

            Friend 1: Figures.  All right, there’s only one thing for it.  (Dramatically drops the bag onto the ground) We’re going to have to burglarize your own house.

            Friend 2: WHAT?!

           Friend 1: Well, I guess it’s technically breaking and entering, but you get the idea.  (Looks around the driveway and picks up a large rock) Which window’s the cheapest to replace?

           Friend 2: (Grabs the rock and throws it onto the lawn) No!  You are not breaking my windows!

            Friend 1: It’s just “window,” singular.

            Friend 2: No, no, no!  There has to be another, non-destructive way – don’t you know how to pick locks?

            Friend 1: Why would you even think I’d know how to do that?

            Friend 2: You’ve always been a bit shady.

          Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 for a few moments) That’s fair.  And no, I don’t know how to manipulate tumblers, buuuuuut…. (Leans back to peer up at the roof) That chimney looks promising.

          Friend 2: (Also peers up at the roof) I don’t know; seems a bit dangerous.  And the neighbors’ll probably call the cops on me breaking into my own house.

           Friend 1: I doubt it – they’re all either at work, at the beach like we should be, watching TV, watching the Internet, or rather not get involved.

            Friend 2: I know I’d rather not.

            (They retrieve a ladder from the shed and prop it against the back of the house)    

            Friend 1: Right – it should be me going up in there.

            Friend 2: Yes it should, because this is all your fault.

            Friend 1: It is not all my fault – (Friend 2 glares) agree to disagree.  No, it’s better that I be the one to do this because I’m younger –

            Friend 2: By a day!

          Friend 1: – and if I make it, I get to brag about it so much.  (Scrambles up the ladder, then steadily climbs up the incline of the roof toward the chimney) Yeah, sandals definitely are not the best footwear for this kind of activity.

            Friend 2: (Straining to look up) Ooh, be careful!

            Friend 1: Ha!  “Careful” is not called for in this instance!

            Friend 2: (Mumbling to self) Yes it is; what are you talking about?

           Friend 1: (Arrives at the chimney) Aha!  Success!  (Peers down it) Oh.  (Suddenly slides down the roof and scrambles back down the ladder) Abort the mission!  Abort the mission!

            Friend 2: Why!  What happened?

         Friend 1: (Hops onto the ground) There was the biggest bird’s nest ensconced right in the middle of that thing, and the cutest little birds were looking at me like I was their momma, and I am not touching that with a 10-foot pole!

            Friend 2: Oh.  I guess not.

            Friend 1: You’re going to have some mess to clean up when you use that thing later this year, let me tell you.

            Friend 2: Huh?

           Friend 1: The nest.  You’ll have clean all that stuff out of there before you can use the fireplace again, `cause those birds sure aren’t taking that with them.

           Friend 2: Oh!  No, I actually haven’t used that thing in years.  Too much trouble, so I just keep the flue closed all the time.

           Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2) You were going to let me climb all the way down a chimney with a closed flue?!!

            Friend 2: …Maybe we should explore the rock option again.  (Goes to grab a rock)

          Friend 1: (Grabs Friend 2’s arm) Hold up – are there any windows that you leave partially open for cross-ventilation or what-not?

           Friend 2: No… but, there is the bathroom window with the busted lock that you should be able to push in from the outside!

            (They rush to that part of the house and stare at the window)

            Friend 1: That window is a foot high.

            Friend 2: Nah – maybe a foot and a half, you’ll be fine.

          Friend 1: Fine, whatever, my beach time is slipping further and further away the longer we debate this.  (Takes a running leap, grabs onto the window ledge, and smacks open the window)

            Friend 2: (Runs to grab Friend 1’s feet) We still have the ladder you can use –

           Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?!  (Slowly wriggles through the window opening) I think I’m stuck.

            Friend 2: Just suck it in!

           Friend 1: There’s nothing left!  (Exhales fully and is able to slide in farther) There we go…. Uh-oh.

            Friend 2: (Sweating and pushing Friend 1’s feet up higher) Now what?

            Friend 1: Well, I’m in the shower, and I’m facing the floor head-first.

            Friend 2: So, I don’t know, just… Spider-Man your way down the wall or something!

            Friend 1: OK…. (Slowly palms down the wall until the shower faucet is in reach, then grabs and braces feet on the wall to pivot down onto the stall floor) Ha?  I did it?  I did it and I didn’t kill or paralyze myself, hooray!

            Friend 2: (Eyes peering through the window) Yay!  Now open the door.

            Friend 1: Right.  (Rips aside the shower curtain to run out of the bathroom and nearly crashes into a child who is standing in the doorway) Oop!  Hello.

            Child: Hi.

            Friend 1: …Well, I have the owner’s permission to break in, so what’s your excuse?

           Child: My mommy saw you on the roof and told me to bring the spare key over to let you guys in.

            Friend 1: Oh.  And your mommy is a close neighbor, then?

          Child: Yeah, we’re right next door and she said you were going to break your neck in about five minutes and that no one on this block ever remembers they’d all given her a spare key because she’s the only one home all day and what’s the point of giving her a spare key if no one remembers they’ve given it to her –

            Friend 2: (Rushes in from the hallway) Oh!  How’d you get in here?

            Child: My mommy has a spare key.  (Holds up the key to Friend 2) Would you like it back?

           Friend 2: No, honey, you can take it back home – please thank your mother and tell her I’ll talk to her later.  And take a cookie from the jar in the kitchen on your way out.

            Child: Yippee!  (Skips out)

            Friend 1: (With a blank face) So that child’s mommy also has a spare key.

            Friend 2: I honestly didn’t remember having a second spare until just this moment.

           Friend 1: We will speak no more on this.  (They make their way out the side door; Friend 2 grabs the keys from the kitchen table and they tumble out the door.  As Friend 2 locks up) Sooo, where were we an hour ago?

            Friend 2: Leaving.  (They throw all their stuff into Friend 2’s car and take off for the beach)

           Friend 1: (Settles in the passenger seat) You know, now that that’s all over, that was kind of fun.

            Friend 2: Please.

            Friend 1: I think I’ll have bruises all over my body, but right now I feel quite content.

           Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Slams on the brakes as they reach the two-mile backed-up traffic for the beach, then slumps) And we could have missed all this if we had left on time.

            Friend 1: (Dozing off) Mm-hm – still say we should have used the rock first.