Story 265: How Much Would You Like to Donate This Year?

            (Phone rings)

            Alum: Hello?

            Student: Hello, is this ---------- ----?

          Alum: No-no-no, first you say who you are, then I decide whether I want to disclose my identity or rudely hang up.

           Student: I’m actually a current student at ------ University, and we’ve been reaching out to alumni to share all the amazing news and exciting events that are happening –

            Alum: Let me stop you right there: yes, I am ---------- ----, and no, I do not feel like giving any money to that school this year.

           Student: Oh, this is just a call to give you an update on all the happenings on campus since you graduated.

            Alum: I bet it is.

            Student: First, our football team won –

            Alum: I hate those jocks.  (Mumbles) Never let me on the team.

            Student: OK: our Theater Department –

            Alum: I hate those geeks.  (Mumbles) Never cast me in anything.

          Student: Well, I see that you had attended the University’s School of Science, so you’ll be pleased to hear that it has been awarded the ------ Grant for the second year in a row, and on top of that, the School’s recent affiliation with NASA will soon make it possible to send our very own students into space.

            Alum: I’m sure they’re all beside themselves with nerdy joy.

           Student: So, these and other significant accomplishments only continue to add value to your degree.

            Alum: Now you’re having a laugh.

         Student: Along with your own accomplishments in your field, both you and the school mutually benefit.

           Alum: Well, I suppose I have been a bit lax in updating my, er, status with you guys, even though your mail still manages to find me no matter how many times I change my address, but let me cut this off at the knees by officially notifying you now that I never did get a job in my field thanks to a multitude of factors, and I’d rather not relive that fiasco at the moment.

            Student: But your degree will always –

          Alum: Decorate my wall.  Let me give you some advice before you stumble into the same string of failures that I did: if you want to have a modicum of success and actually be somewhat happy while making enough money to survive relatively debt-free, you have to A) Work ridiculously above and beyond anything you’re ever told to do, even so far as inventing projects for yourself and never sleeping, B) Know everyone, C) Be extremely smart, D) Be extremely lucky, or E) Already be rich – preferably a combination of all of these.

            Student: Since you value the education and experience ------ University has given you, can I put you down for a gift this year?  You also have the option to bequeath any monies left behind upon your death.

           Alum: There actually may be some hope for you, kid.  All right, put me down for student scholarships if you are on any, just because I admire someone who doesn’t know how to quit.

            Student: Thank you for your support.  In the spirit of the season, would you like to double or triple the amount you have given in past years?

            Alum: Don’t push it.

"Change or Death" - Portion of a Staged Reading Perfomed by The Grange Playhouse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhVUgiCctSw&t=717s; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP4HTn2Ycm0

Story 264: What Can I Bring for Thanksgiving?

            (Phone rings)

            Host-to-Be: Hi!  How’ve you been?

         Guest-to-Be: Terrible, thanks; but since you’re taking it like a champ and hosting Thanksgiving  again this year, I’m calling to let you know I’ll bring my usual store-bought cop-out fruit salad.

            Host-to-Be: Ooh, about that: some remote cousins are actually coming this year and I already told them they could bring a fruit salad, since they were kind of last minute and all.  And I forgot you usually bring it.

            Guest-to-Be: Oh.

            Host-to-Be: Hey, now that I think about it, how about you bring a vegetable instead?  I’ve got sides coming out the ears, but they’re all starchy.  Gotta aid the digestion on this day of all days, am-I-right?

            Guest-to-Be: Oh.

            Host-to-Be: …Kay, that’d be great, gotta get back to the disaster that is the kitchen right now, see you at 2:00 tomorrow, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Guest-to-Be: (Disconnects, then stares into the middle distance for quite some time) Oh.

            (At a supermarket, shoppers are running around in a frenzy as Guest-to-Be stands in front of the wall of vegetables, captivated by all the leafy greens)

            Guest-to-Be: Should I just bring five heads of lettuce and let everybody figure it out?  (The sprinklers turn on and douse Guest-to-Be’s head)

            (In the frozen food aisle, Guest-to-Be stares at the rows of plastic-bagged freeze-dried veggies as hordes of shopping carts whiz by in all directions)

            Guest-to-Be: Corn?  (Opens door and grabs a bag) Negative value.  (Tosses it back, then grabs another bag) Brussels sprouts?  Healthy, yet hated.  (Tosses it back, then grabs another bag) Mixed vegetables?  Hm…. (Remembers dishes from Thanksgivings past – no mixed vegetables in sight) Do any of us even eat vegetables at this thing?  (Tosses the bag back, then steps backward while letting the door close; is promptly run over by a shopping cart)

            (On Thanksgiving Day, Host opens the front door after hearing the bell ring)

            Host: Oh hi!  Happy Thanksgiving; so glad you could make it!

           Guest: I brought a pumpkin pie.  (Holds up a box) It’s technically a dessert and technically a fruit, but everyone thinks it’s a vegetable so it can be served with dinner contrary to socially accepted norms.

            Host: …Thanks, we actually already have one of those, but I can put this one out, too!  (Takes the box)

          Guest: I thought such a scenario may happen, so I also brought a pumpkin.  (Holds up a ginormous pumpkin) I can slice it up for you, if you want.  (Holds up a butcher knife)

            Host: You know, how about we just leave it on the front step for decoration, hm?  (Takes the pumpkin and places it on the front step, then carefully takes away the knife; they both then stare at the lumpy pumpkin)

            Guest: Probably better this way.

            Host: You can bring the fruit salad next year –

            Guest: Oh thank YOU!

Story 263: Paid to Care, LLC

            Voiceover: Have you run afoul of the law on charges that are totally bogus?

            (Scene of innocent patsy hauled away in handcuffs, screaming “This is a frame-up job!” while onlookers turn away in apathy)

            Voiceover: Is a seller asking way too much for a house you know is worth less than half the list price?

            (Scene of a dilapidated house with a “For Sale” sign outside; a graphic stating “1,000,000” overlays that, then is abruptly overlain itself with the word “DUMP!”)

            Voiceover: Are you tired of being constantly cut in line wherever you go?

            (Scene of a short person standing in line, trying to advance but blocked and forced backward by very tall people suddenly walking in front)

            Voiceover: Fret no more, because you can have your own personal on-demand advocate ready to fight the good fight for you at a moment’s notice, here at Paid to Care, LLC!

            (Scene of the innocent patsy in a jail cell; a Paid to Care Representative appears at the door)

        Representative 1: Hi there!  I’m here to produce video documentation, three or more eyewitnesses, bank records, and/or an award-winning monologue to get you right on out of there!

           Innocent Patsy: Wow!  That’s nothing short of miraculous!  (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!

            (Scene of an office with the house buyers and sellers arguing around a table, waving papers at each other – another Paid to Care Representative smoothly steps in front of the table to face the camera)

            Representative 2: (Smiling broadly and gesturing to each party in turn) Now, you know you’re selling a dump, so we absolutely refuse to pay any more than market value, which is at most a quarter of what you’re asking, and when I say “we,” I mean these guys, our wonderful clients!

            Sellers: Aw, shucks, you’ve got us there!  (Throws papers on the table to demonstrate defeat)

            Buyers: At last, justice is served!  Thanks, Paid to Care!

            Representative 2: No need to thank me; I’m not paying a dime!  (Winks at the camera)

         (Scene of the short person still being cut in line by more and more tall people arriving; an extremely buff Paid to Care Representative appears and begins tossing away the line-cutters left and right)

            Representative 3: That’ll teach you to jump the line, you self-centered space-takers!  (Grabs another person towards the front)

            Client: Wait, that one was there before me!

            Representative 3: Oh.  As you were.  (Lets go of the person, who can breathe again)  As I was saying, the rest of you maggots wait your turn!  (To Client) Proceed.

            Client: Golly gee, wish I had your physical and moral strength!  (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!  (Is cut in line again)

            Representative 3: (Grabbing the line-cutter and hauling them away overhead) What is it with you people?!  I despair in humanity!

            Voiceover: No request is too big, too small, or too dangerous!  Call us now at 1-800-PAI-D2C-AREZ and reserve that special someone to fight your battles for you today!  (In a lower rushed voice) Results-not-guaranteed-in-every-situation-a-non-refundable-deposit-of-$1,000.00-is-required-upfront-this-does-not-include-any-and-all-fees-taxes-interest-rates-and/or-insurace-costs-Paid-to-Care-LLC-is-not-responsible-for-any-and-all-damage-resulting-from-revenge-seekers-clients-agree-to-indemnify-and-hold-harmless-Paid-to-Care-for-blowback- (In normal voice) We’re here to serve YOU!