(In a small village, the six sole occupants gather in the mini-square)
Leader: All right everyone, here’s the deal: you all had a hard day’s work out in the fields and will be going to your wee but cozy shacks for a well-earned good night’s sleep, but one of you – is actually – a – “murderer”!
(Gasps all around)
Villager 1: Impossible!
Villager 2: Not one of us, we all know each other!
Villager 3: (Raises a hand; to Leader) Is it you?
Leader: No it isn’t me, I’m the one running the ga – never mind: whoever it is knows who it is, OK?!
Villager 3: No, but since I’m clearly outvoted here….
Leader: Good-good; now, tonight: one of you – will – be – “murdered”!
(Gasps all around again)
Villager 4: What if we “murder” the “murderer” first?
Leader: It doesn’t work like that – it happens while you’re asleep.
Villager 4: What if we don’t sleep, then?
Leader: You have to sleep, it’s in the rules – I mean, you had a hard day’s work out in the fields so you’re all sleeping through the night, OK?!
Villager 4: Except for one of us who’ll be horribly “murdering” another one of us, that is.
Leader: Yes, well, that goes without saying. However, there is a chance… to be saved.
Villager 5: Oh thank goodness; I thought all hope was lost.
Leader: For one of you – is – a – “healer”.
Villager 1: Impossible!
Leader: I’m sorry, what?
Villager 1: How can any of us be a “healer” in this village if we’re working out in the fields all day long? There’d be no free time to learn herbology or surgery!
Leader: …Well, this is a very talented person, what can I tell you; now, the “healer” can choose to save a fellow villager or may choose to save themselves, either way possibly saving the selected “victim”.
Villager 1: OK, so what’s the method of “murder”, then?
Leader: DEATH! Mwahahaha!
Villager 2: You’re having way too much fun with this.
Leader: Sorry.
Villager 1: So, is it poison or stabbing?
Leader: What difference does it make?!
Villager 1: A world of difference: if I’m the “victim” and also the “healer”, then if it’s poison I can just take an antidote, but if it’s stabbing or some other traumatic wound then how am I supposed to perform lifesaving surgery on myself?
Leader: It’s magic, OK?! It’s all magic!
Villager 1: Then maybe say the person’s a “witch” or a “sorcerer” rather than a “healer” –
Leader: It doesn’t matter, the person’s just a “healer” who instantly “heals”, all right?!
Villager 3: (Raises a hand; to Leader) If we “heal” ourselves but we were never the “victim”, does that create a paradox and we implode instead?
Leader: No! Nothing happens, you just wake up in the morning as usual! Why is everyone making this more complicated than it is?!
Villager 3: Just checking, yeesh.
Leader: The rules – I mean, the situation is exactly as I told you, stop overthinking everything, now go to sleep so one of you can be “offed” in the night, understand?!
Villager 4: Who can sleep at this point?!
Villager 5: And what kind of village did we all choose to live in?!
Leader: For the love of – EVERYONE GO TO SLEEP, NOW!
(Villagers 1-5 go to each of their huts, grumbling)
Villager 5: (Turns to Leader while standing in the doorway) Well, you’re certainly not getting a portion of this year’s harvest after all this. (Slams the door on the way in)
Leader: …What?
(Later that night)
Leader: IT – IS – TIME!
Villagers 1-5: (In their huts) Ooooh!
Leader: Now, this next part as quietly as possible. “Murderer”: WAKE UP!
Villager 5: (Whispering) But we’re all already awake!
Villager 4: Ssh!
(Villager 2 emerges quietly from the hut, wearing a wicked smile)
Leader: OK, “Murderer”: CHOOSE YOUR VICTIM! (Villager 2 starts creepily tiptoeing toward Villager 1’s hut) No-no, just point – it’s all magic, remember. (Villager 2 creepily points to Villager 1’s hut) OK, “Murderer”: NOW, GO BACK TO SLEEP! (Villager 2 collapses onto the ground) What the – go back to your hut and then go back to sleep! (Villager 2 stands up and returns to the hut) Now, “Healer”: WAKE UP! (Villager 1 emerges quietly from the hut) OK, “Healer”: CHOOSE WHO IS TO BE SAVED! (Villager 1 points a wand at self and mouths “Alakazam!”) …Fine. OK, “Healer”: NOW, GOT BACK TO SLEEP! (Villager 1 dashes back into the hut) Wish I could sleep right now.
(The next morning)
Leader: OK, everyone: it was a long, hard night’s sleep, but now you’re all awake and gathered. (Silence) I said, you’re all awake and gathered! (Villagers 1-5 run out of their huts and gather in the mini-square) And even though you all should have been out like an electric light that hasn’t been invented yet, in the literal dead of night, one of you tried to “off” your neighbor!
Villager 5: Oh no! In our little village?! Nowhere is safe!
Leader: BUT: the “healer” was able to save the “victim”, so everyone here is still alive… FOR NOW! Mwahahaha – !
Villager 2: Seriously, take it down a notch.
Leader: Sorry. So: let the accusations begin! Who do each of you think is… THE “MURDERER”?!
(Villager 1 points to Villager 2, Villagers 2, 4, and 5 point to Villager 3, and Villager 3 points to Leader)
Leader: (To Villager 3) I already told you that it can’t be me!
Villager 3: Ah, that’s what you want us to think!
Leader: I’m not eligible to be the “murderer” since I oversee who’s doing what, so you have to pick someone else!
Villager 3: Oh, all right. (Suddenly notices Villagers 2, 4, and 5’s pointing fingers) Hey, wait a minute, you all think it’s me?! What for?!
Villager 2: I’m not buying the Village Idiot routine for a second.
Villager 3: But I am the Village Idiot for real!
Villager 4: A likely story! Your disguise is ingenious!
Villager 5: Yeah, that’s what you want us to think, ha!
Villager 3: (Sputters) I – you – this – I have no words.
Leader: (To Villager 3) So, who do you accuse now?
Villager 3: Myself, apparently: the gaslighting campaign has succeeded.
Leader: Well, it’s a majority then, but not unanimous. (To Villager 1) So, why are you pointing elsewhere?
Villager 2: (Suddenly notices Villager 1’s pointing finger and gasps in horror) How could you even suspect it was me?! I AM YOUR SPOUSE!
Villager 1: Exactly.
Leader: (To Villager 1) Sure you don’t want to change your mind in light of public opinion?
Villager 1: (Still staring accusingly at Villager 2) Oh no, my mind’s staying right here.
Villager 2: (To Villager 1) I’ll remember this at dinner tonight.
Leader: All right, then! The majority in this case is… not correct, and the “murderer” is still at large to strike once more!
Villager 5: (As Villagers 1, 2, 4, and 5 lower their pointing fingers) Ooh, I can’t take the suspense!
Villager 1: (Glaring at Villager 2) I can.
Villager 2: (Glaring back) Why you little –
Villager 3: (Oblivious to the other two) I can’t take the pubic shaming.
Leader: All right! After a hard day’s work out in the fields –
Villager 4: Who can work at a time like this?! Isn’t there an attempted “murder” we should be investigating?!
Villager 5: Yeah, I for one don’t want to be the next contestant on a re-enactment of And Then There Were None!
Leader: (Stares blankly at Villager 4 and Villager 5 for a few moments) …After another hard day’s work out in the fields, you all return to your wee but cozy shacks for a well-earned good night’s sleep.
Villager 5: (As Villagers 1-5 return to their huts) HA!
Villager 4: I’m barring the door and staying up all night with my scythe at the ready!
Villager 1: (While looking pointedly at Villager 2) Good idea.
Villager 2: [Grinds teeth at Villager 1]
Leader: OK, NIGHTY-NIGHT!
(Later that night)
Leader: IT – IS – TIME! Now, this next part as quietly as possible. “Murderer”: WAKE UP! (Villager 2 and Villager 3 both emerge from their huts) Unbelievable.
Villager 2: (Staring at Villager 3) Huh?
Villager 3: What, didn’t you all vote for me to be It?
Leader: THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS!
Villager 3: Yeesh, why is everyone always mad at me lately? I didn’t even attempt a “murder” on anyone yet.
(Villagers 1, 4, and 5 emerge from their huts)
Villager 4: Did you get `em?! Are we saved?!
Leader: (Sinks down to the ground, cradling head in hands and moaning) That’s not how this works….
Villager 2: (Pointing to Villager 3) This one got confused and ruined the whole thing!
Villager 4: (Gasps in horror; to Villager 2) So it was you, all along?!
Villager 1: I KNEW IT!
Villager 2: (To Villager 1) Calm down; you would’ve done the exact same thing in my position.
Villager 1: I would never!
Villager 2: Oh really? Then how is it you chose to “heal” yourself rather than your own beloved life companion, hm?
Villager 1: Because I figured you were the “murderer” and that you’d targeted me! And how’d you know I “healed” myself?!
Villager 2: Because you were still alive the next morning!
Villager 1: …Oh yeah, right.
Villager 2: Besides, it would’ve been an easy process of elimination anyway. (Points to Villager 3) This one has no idea what’s going on – (Points to Villagers 4 and 5) and those two are too immersed in the experience to convincingly cover up a secret role if they had one.
Villager 4: Rude.
Villager 5: Yeah, “Murderer”!
Villager 2: I didn’t even “off” anyone!
Villager 5: Not for lack of trying!
Villager 1: I’ll say.
Villager 3: (Raises a hand) Are we going back to sleep for another round, then?
Leader: (Suddenly stands) No! No, the game is over, you all ruined it! The cards I gave you earlier clearly showed what your roles were, the rules were very simple, and my narration was clear and concise – it takes a special talent to spectacularly derail such a basic scenario, but you all managed to somehow, congratulations!
Villager 1 and Villager 2: AHEM!
Leader: Sorry: you were the perfect secret “Murderer” and “Healer”, Mom and Dad.
Villager 2: I should think so.
Villager 1: Same here, even though I really should keep my eye on you two from now on.