Story 206: The Accidental Magician

            (Co-Worker 1 stops by Co-Worker 2’s desk)

           Co-Worker 1: So I have to go to one of those meetings that tries to accomplish something important and manages only to fill the attendees with regret – wanna come with?

            Co-Worker 2: (Staring at nothing) Actually… I’m too disturbed to do anything right now.

            Co-Worker 1: How’s that?  Corporate coming to inspect your department today?

          Co-Worker 2: That I could wrap my head around.  No, it’s just – (Finally focuses on Co-Worker 1) I’ve suddenly realized that I’m a magician.

         Co-Worker 1: How’s that again?  You taking lessons for a second career as party entertainment?

            Co-Worker 2: No, I mean that I’ve discovered a power that I’ve never had before, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with the omnipotence right now.  I’m afraid I might destroy the world with it by mistake.

           Co-Worker 1: (Pulls a chair over to sit) All right, I’ll bite: what’s this newfound magical power you think you have?

            Co-Worker 2: (Leans in and whispers) I can make things disappear.

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, is that all?  I do that all the time – it’s called age, love: welcome to the years of declining memory; I’m looking forward to the senility myself.  Not really.

            Co-Worker 2: It’s more than just misplacing a few things – I mean, you eventually find them somewhere, right?

            Co-Worker 1: For the most part.  I’m still always on the lookout for my 5-year pin, though, so if you come across that just leave it on my desk, would you?

            Co-Worker 2: Well, I’ve been making things disappear and THEY NEVER COME BACK.

            Co-Worker 1: That’s a pretty definitive statement to make, though – there’s no way to prove it either way and is therefore fallacious.  Yes!  I learned that word last week and have been dying to use it in a sentence, thank you.

         Co-Worker 2: You’re not getting it: in the past month I have lost seven pens, three desk calendars – and not the tear-off kind, mind you, I mean the big ones that take up the whole desk – four staplers, a report saved on my computer, two pieces of candy, and 25 minutes!

            Co-Worker 1: (Blinks) Right, except for that last one, I think you’re just another unfortunate victim of The Office Thief.  I hate that guy.

            Co-Worker 2: I wish I was!  An external menace I could deal with; it’s the internal ones that can never be defeated, save by your own death.

            Co-Worker 1: OK, let’s back this up a little here: how are you so certain that someone isn’t just stealing your stuff?  Or that you’re not just misplacing them really, really well?

            Co-Worker 2: Allow me to demonstrate: do you have a pen or something else on your person that you aren’t particularly attached to?

            Co-Worker 1: Fine, let’s see – (Searches through pockets) here, here’s a cigarette – (Gently slams it onto Co-Worker 2’s outstretched hand) that I shouldn’t be holding onto anymore, so this is perfect, go ahead, make it disappear!

            Co-Worker 2: (Holds the cigarette in the air for a moment, then sets it gently on the desk) Now, we wait for the magic.

            Co-Worker 1: (Stares at the cigarette for a bit, with folded arms and twitching) So, is there going to be a puff of smoke or pixie dust or something here?

            Co-Worker 2: Nothing like that.  All I have to do is make contact with the object, and then ignore it until I make it disappear.

            Co-Worker 1: It’s probably just going to roll off the desk and get stuck next to the garbage can, you know.

            Co-Worker 2: You’ll see.  To keep you from staring at it, tell me what this meeting today’s going to be about whilst I keep my hands visible in my lap.  (Does so)

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, well, (Looks at watch) I’ve missed it, so that’s a good thing.  It’s one of those where we all get told what new tasks we’re going to get assigned to make things better, we’ll have to do them for a few months, and then the whole extravaganza sputters out to nothing and we all give up until the next go-round – it makes me so sad.

            Co-Worker 2: Hm.  I have to go to one like that tomorrow.  (Turns to where the cigarette was on the desk and then looks back at Co-Worker 1) Et voilà.

            Co-Worker 1: (Points to the now-empty spot on the desk) Wait a minute.  I didn’t see it move.  I didn’t see you move.  So where is it?!

            Co-Worker 2: Indeed.  Where could an inanimate object possibly have gone within the space of a minute with no obvious outside force acting on it?  You don’t know!  And neither do I.

            Co-Worker 1: (Scatters around the remaining objects on the desk, dives under the desk and searches a bit, then pops back up) It disappeared.  I don’t understand, there’s nowhere else for it to go!  (Looks at Co-Worker 2) It’s in your pocket.

            Co-Worker 2: (Turns pockets out) If only the answer was that I was a disturbed kleptomaniac.  No, I fear that my powers are all too real, and I have to figure out how to control them and soon, else the next thing to disappear forever may very well be the Atlantic Ocean.

            Co-Worker 1: Well, even though I’ve only had one weak example of all this – (Grabs a co-worker passing by) would you mind making Bob disappear?  He’s mean and makes the world a worse place with his horrible actions.

            Bob: Hey!

            Co-Worker 1: Own your sins like a real man, Bob!

            Co-Worker 2: See, this is what I meant earlier – I can’t go around using my newfound powers for evil!

            Co-Worker 1: But Bob is evil!

           Bob: Would you mind plotting behind my back like a normal person?  I need the manufactured justification for my revenge later.

            Co-Worker 1: (Releases Bob) Yeah, fine, go away while we plot, Bob.

            Bob: (Straightens shirt) I thank you.  (Leaves)

            Co-Worker 1: Maybe “accidentally” bump into him later, if that’s all you need to do?  Then we can all breathe freely in a world without Bob.

            Co-Worker 2: (Stands) You know, I told you all this for the sympathy and maybe some advice, and instead you did the typical human thing of trying to exploit it for your own advantage.  Good day to you.  (Leaves)

            Co-Worker 1: Where are you going?  There’re still two hours left on your shift!

            Co-Worker 2: (Turns back self-righteously) I’m going to the rest of that meeting you ditched – maybe some good can be brought out of all this madness!

            Co-Worker 1: Fine, you… nerd!  (To self) Waste of perfectly awesome powers; wish I could make things disappear, then it’d at least look like I got some work done around here.