Story 283: The Moon Did Not Appreciate the Landing

(Approximately 13 billion Earth years after the Big Bang/1,969^th orbit of the Earth during the human Common Era)

Earth: Ahem.  Say there, Moon?

Moon: [Oh, bother me] Hey Earth, how is… everything… with you lately?

Earth: Not so good, and getting worse with each rotation.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed.

Moon: Oh, it’s not so bad; from here I can’t even tell anything’s wrong.  Much.

Earth: Well, it’s better you can’t tell how epically the sentient apex predator experiment on this planet has failed.  Which brings me to why I caught your attention earlier.

Moon: Yeah, sure thing, what’s happening?

Earth: So, you know all that junk that’s been stuck in orbit around me lately?

Moon: Oh, well, one doesn’t like to point out such things, but yeah.  I have been getting a bit concerned about the increasing volume of it, actually: are your inhabitants going to be cleaning all that up soon, then?

Earth: Far from it: I wanted to warn you that those apes-with-airs are planning to climb into some sort of container and shoot themselves right out of my gravity for the sole purpose of landing on you.

Moon: Heh-heh-heh – what?  Are you serious?

Earth: Sadly, yes.

Moon: But how – I don’t understand, that shouldn’t even be theoretically possible, we’re too far away from each other for them to get halfway here!

Earth: Unfortunately, they figured out how to warp my materials to make stuff that’ll carry them fast enough and far enough to get them to you and back here to me without utterly obliviating them.

Moon: I don’t believe it.

Earth: They figured out the math.

Moon: Noooo, not the math!  Earth, how could you let them do this?!

Earth: Don’t pin this on me; they’ve been slowly killing me and every other living creature here for ages now – I’ve been a bit busy trying to maintain homeostasis in the face of that while simultaneously trying to figure out how to wipe them all out with as minimal collateral damage as possible.  They also don’t listen to me much.

Moon: This is a nightmare!

Earth: Tell me about it – I first was hoping that the damage to the air, land, and sea would at least preserve the microbes and the cockroaches, but that’s taking too long so now I’m banking on their insistence upon manipulating their own genetic building blocks to create a virus that would at least sterilize their entire species.  It would fit my sense of justice.

Moon: Oh Earth, you just know if they make it over here, they’ll completely destroy me with their junk!  And they won’t stop with that; you know Mars will be next!

Mars: Huh?

Moon: Go back to sleep; you’ve at least got a few more decades of peace left.

Earth: I’ll tip you off when they point their monstrosity in your direction; all I can say when they begin to break free from me is “Brace yourself.”

Moon: Ohhh, I wish I were a comet on my way out of this solar system!

(After the Moon landing)

Earth: Whelp, the interlopers splashed back down on me, safe and sound.

Moon: Oh, goody for them.

Earth: So, what’s the damage?

Moon: Let’s see, shall we?  They left behind their huge lander, some random pole with a piece of cloth jammed onto my surface, their footprints just everywhere, a bunch of other random garbage, and oh yeah, their flippin’ bacteria!  Which all died in my not-quite atmosphere, but still.

Earth: Bummer.

Moon: And to top it all off, those freaks actually took some of my surface back with them!  They didn’t even ask!

Earth: Heh-heh, “ask.”

Moon: I tell ya, Earth, I don’t know how you’ve put up with those destroyers for as many rotations as you have – I think I would’ve cracked open my surface and swallowed them all up long before now!

Earth: It ain’t easy, and it’s getting worse; a tiny percentage have a clue what’s happening and are trying to make things better, but the rest either overrule them or don’t care.

Moon: Just please don’t tell me they’re planning another trip up here.

Earth: Well….

Moon: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!  I can still see the stuff they used to fly over here, floating for eternity in our orbits!  I swear, the next one of them I see coming my way, I’m breaking orbit and crashing right into you!

Earth: Umm –

Moon: It’s for our own good, Earth!  Problem permanently solved, and we can start over, with us forming a whole new planet!

Earth: See, the thing is, Moon – and it’s a great idea, I’m all for it – the thing is, your crashing into me would definitely put a damper on all life here now, and I have a sneaking suspicion it also would push me out of orbit and we just might – might, mind you – crash into one of our chums out here and/or, perhaps… the Sun?  I’m just thinking worst-case scenario.

Moon: Argh, you’re right.  Although, now that you mention it: hey, Sun!  Hellloooo, Suuuuuunnnnn???!!!

Sun: (Distantly) Oh hi, Earth’s Moon, how are you?

Moon: (Grumbles) Earth’s Moon.  (Yells) Any chance of you going supernova anytime soon?!

Venus: “Supernova?”  Did I hear “supernova???!!!”

Mercury: I heard “supernova!”  What gives, Sun?!

Sun: (Chuckles) No, no supernova destined for me, and right now I’m growing into a red giant that’ll probably swallow up all of you, but that won’t be for awhile – I am still in my prime, you know.

Moon: (Mutters) Spawn of a singularity – (Yells) never mind thank you!

Sun: I can whip up a flare or a prominence, if you like?

Moon: Nope, we’re good here, thanks!  (To Earth) All-powerful star and absolutely no use whatsoever.

Earth: What are we going to do, Moon?  They keep repurposing my elements and shooting them out into space more and more as the years go by, and they’re also planning to send some junk to spy on everything way out there and beyond – and that’s just the beginning, they know once they’ve pretty much killed me they’ll need to track down another rock to infest, what if they find out about –

Moon: Ssh, don’t let them hear you!

Earth: Right.  Maybe they’ll never find it?

Moon: From what we know of them, it’s inevitable they’ll find it.  Maybe we’ll luck out and that invasion force next solar system over will make its way here and take care of the whole problem for us.

Earth: Oh, that would be lovely.  Pluto’s heard that once those folks wipe out the dominant species, they’re super-accommodating to the host planet.

Story 236: Unnecessary Detours

            Captain’s Log, Sol Date 5032018: In desperate need, I have made the drastic decision to take the ship back in time, to Earth of the early 21^st century.  Let it be noted in the log that I would not have done this if there had been any other alternative – however, time is of the essence and the only way to complete our mission, and just possibly save the galaxy, is to go back in it.  Time, I mean, not the galaxy.  Computer, delete those last two sentences, I want to rephrase that.

            Computer: Unable to comply: all audio recording is permanent, so get it right the first time.

            Snippy.  Therefore, I and the ship’s Navigator have found ourselves somewhere in the middle of the continent of North America at some point in the first half of the year two thousand and eighteen.  We approximated our landing close to the coordinates of our goal; however, it was not close enough so we have been compelled to commandeer local transportation.

           (In a four-door sedan covered in motley bumper stickers, the Captain and the Navigator travel through the expanses of suburbia)

            Navigator: (Looking at a hand-held computer) There should be a hard turn to port here, sir.

            Captain: (Driving) Negative – that’s a resident’s landing strip.  Keep searching, Lieutenant.

          Navigator: Aye-aye, Captain.  (Looks down the road) There appears to be a sign that states “Detour” directly off the starboard bow, sir.

            Captain: All engines, full reverse!

            Navigator: With all due respect, sir, you have complete navigational control of this vehicle.

           Captain: Ah yes.  (Slams on the brakes; the cars behind them screech to a halt and blare their horns.  The Captain rolls down the window) At ease, citizens of Earth!

            Navigator: I also should point out, Captain –

        Captain: Yes Lieutenant, feel free to speak, what’s on your mind, don’t hold back vital information, out with it!

            Navigator: – by following the directions posted on such signs, we still should be able to arrive at our intended destination.  According to my calculations, sir.

            Captain: Very well, then: so that we do not miss any of these “Detour” signs, we will proceed at one-quarter impulse.  (Proceeds at 15 mph below the speed limit, with a line of angry, honking drivers behind them)

         Captain’s Log: Supplemental.  We have located several signs containing the same word “Detour” that appear to be leading us to our intended destination, albeit in a circuitous manner –

            Navigator: With all due respect, sir, that is literally what we had just discussed five minutes ago.

            Captain: I am catching the audience up after the commercial break, Lieutenant!

            Navigator: Aye, sir.

          Sign after sign appears on our trajectory, yet we seem to be no closer to our goal.  Plus the Navigator lately has been getting on my nerves.

            Navigator: Sir, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that you are close to passing the next sign.

            Captain: Got it!  (Cuts across two lanes of traffic to turn from the highway onto a side street, nearly causing five accidents and almost bottoming out) Well, this is a peaceful stretch of space.

            Navigator: (Shaking) It is now, sir.  (Checks computer) Our destination lies within this next starboard turn.

            Captain: At last, we can finally embark upon our mission.  (Turns the car right and is faced with a “Road Closed” sign.  Stops the car and faces the Navigator) Did we miss a sign back there?

          Navigator: (Still checking the computer) No, they all led to this point in the space-time continuum – oh.

             Captain: I do not like to hear “Oh,” Lieutenant.

           Navigator: If I am understanding the data correctly, sir, I believe that first “Detour” sign was meant for those travelers who wanted to arrive at this end of the street.

            Captain: Explain.

            Navigator: I remember there was a second sign underneath it that stated we could reach our destination on this street but that a bridge was impassable, so I presumed the intention was that we could reach our destination after navigating through the detours.  Now, however, I believe the intention was that we still could reach our destination by entering that end of the street.

            Captain: …And the detour was only if we had wanted to get to this end of the street.  (Slumps head onto the steering wheel)

          Navigator: I assume full responsibility for this error, Captain, although I think that all the time travelling we do regularly has begun to affect my judgement –

            Captain: (Sits up again and begins turning the car around, narrowly avoiding two mailboxes and a random dog) You will not berate yourself, Lieutenant!  As the senior officer, I assume full responsibility for every single action of every soul under my command, no matter who messed up what where when why and how!  (Lurches the car forward) Besides, it was a mistake anyone from a different time period could have made, don’t blame yourself, all that matters is we’re safe and that we complete our mission, and get on the sidewalk, pedestrian!  (The car reverses its course through the streets)

            Navigator: Sir, what if we have lost so much time doing all this that we are now too late to save the ship?  And the galaxy?

            Captain: Well that’s the great thing about time travel, isn’t it?  There’s no such thing as “too late,” because we can always just go back and do it all over again!