(In
an office, Coworker 1 walks to Coworker 2’s desk)
Coworker
1: Hey, can I ask for a favor?
Coworker
2: (Did not see Coworker 1 approaching and quickly closes a few windows on the
monitor and fusses with items on the desk without looking up) Oh hi, sorry,
really busy right now, doing that report you know, e-mails, calls, so much
going on, not enough hours in the day, they don’t pay us enough for all this
stress, right, what? (Finally looks up
at Coworker 1)
Coworker
1: Still sneaking in ------------- fan fiction?
It’s been almost a year since the series finale.
Coworker
2: I will never recover from that dumpster fire of an ending, do you
hear me?! So, how can I help?
Coworker
1: I just got a notice to meet with the quality manager, and I need
back-up.
Coworker
2: Well, she won’t want to see me there: I wasn’t invited to the party.
Coworker
1: It doesn’t matter, I’ll just say you’re there to take notes and you can
doodle gibberish, I just – can’t face her alone.
Coworker
2: Why not? Did something happen between
you two? How would you guys’ve even met? I’ve never seen her down here and everything’s
done by e-mail anyway – she probably telecommutes from Tahiti for all we know.
Coworker
1: No, she’s here, and e-mail’s the problem: going by that, I don’t think she
likes me.
Coworker
2: I’ll need some examples before passing judgement.
Coworker
1: (Pulls out a phone and scrolls through the screens) OK, here’s one from
about a month ago: “The report needs to be submitted by this afternoon; it can’t
be late. This is a State requirement.” (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)
Coworker
2: OK, a bit brusque, but understandable: the State’s kind of a big deal.
Coworker
1: All right – (Scrolls a bit) here’s a better one: “This has to be redone –
there are too many errors for it to be sent on to Corporate. If you send a corrected version by tomorrow,
that would work.” (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)
Coworker
2: Ohhhh-kaaaay, so you messed up a report and got told to fix it before it
went to the bigwigs?
Coworker
1: That’s not the point – can’t you just feel the reproach oozing out of
the screen?
Coworker
2: I’d reproach you too if you’d sent me shoddy work.
Coworker
1: All right, bad example. (Scrolls a
bit) Aha! This one’s perfect: “Report
received. I will contact you next month for
updates.” (Looks expectantly at Coworker
2) Well?
Coworker
2: Eh....
Coworker
1: Well?!
Coworker
2: I guess a “Thank you” would’ve been nice –
Coworker
1: Ha!
Coworker
2: – but not mandatory, since whatever you sent in was, you know, part of your
job.
Coworker
1: You are no help whatsoever. And the
point is, I always seem to mess up around her, and she seems like she’s mad at
me all the time, so I can’t face her in person without some kind of
posse there with me!
Coworker
2: OK, but what am I gonna do if she, I don’t know, rightfully reprimands
you? Tell her off?
Coworker
1: No, I’m just hoping your mere presence will be enough to restrain her from
completely removing my head.
Coworker
2: I doubt it – she sent me an e-mail this morning saying that my presentation
has too many slides that’ll make it go overtime when she shows it, which is true
now that I step back from the situation and consider all factors, so, you know,
there’s that.
Coworker
1: Meeting’s at 3:00 in the conference room.
Coworker
2: Oh fine.
3:00 IN THE
CONFERENCE ROOM
(Coworkers
1 and 2 sit at a long table)
Coworker
1: Can we use the 15-minute rule for work like we did in college?
Coworker
2: (Playing on phone) If you’d like to get written up, sure.
(They
see the Quality Manager approaching through the room’s windows)
Coworker
1: (Stands and mutters) OK, here she comes.
Coworker
2: (Pockets phone and stands) By the way, you owe me a five pound chocolate bar
for this.
Coworker
1: Wha – ?!
Quality
Manager: (Enters the room, beaming widely) Hello! It’s so great to finally meet you in person! All this back-and-forth with e-mails, it gets
to be so impersonal, don’t you think?
Coworker
1: …A little bit.
Quality
Manager: (Laughs as they all sit at the table) I know: it’s so convenient and
helps me get so much done, but people say I tend to be too to-the-point, you know
what I mean?
Coworker
1: Well….
Quality
Manager: By the way, thank you for always replying so quickly and sending me
what I need right away! I wish everyone
had your work ethic!
Coworker
1: Oh. Thanks.
Quality
Manager: (Chuckles while opening a laptop) Well, you certainly make my life
easier – I don’t have to chase after you all the time for everything. Now: this should only take about 10 minutes,
but I wanted you to see the portal we’re going to start using soon and I
figured it’d be easier if I showed it to you instead of sending you a training
video or something.
Coworker
1: Oh yeah, that’ll be great – thanks!
(Back
at Coworker 2’s desk)
Coworker
2: So. I could’ve been immersed in
reading about my OTP sweetly hooking up multiple times as they should have in
Season 57, and instead I got to sit there and listen to you being proven wrong.
Coworker
1: “OTP?”
Coworker
2: One True Pairing.
Coworker
1: Seriously?
Coworker
2: Don’t bash my ship!
Coworker
1: I don’t even know what you’re talking about!
Coworker
2: Your loss. Anyway, are you satisfied now
that your e-mail foe was not the monster you’d built her up to be?
Coworker
1: Yes, thank you – she was pleasant, and professional, and helpful, and, even,
nice.
Coworker
2: So there. (Sits at the desk and logs
onto the computer)
Coworker
1: (Standing next to the desk, staring into the middle distance) Now I wonder,
though: does this mean that I come off as a horrible person in e-mail?!
Coworker
2: (Not looking up) I wouldn’t sweat it – without verbal inflections or body
language to work with, almost anything you write can come across as mean and
rude. Why do you think I insert
smiley faces in everything I send? Otherwise,
whatever I write reads like I think you’re all garbage.
