Story 259: European Road Test

            (In an American café, Friend 1 enters wearing a racing jacket, scarf, and shades, and saunters over to Friend 2, who is seated at a table and sipping coffee)

            Friend 2: What’s all this?

           Friend 1: (Sits extremely casually) Oh, nothing much: just demonstrating my status as The Best Driver in the World is all.

            Friend 2: Really.

            Friend 1: Uh-huh.  My car broke down and the rental place only had a stick shift, and I was able to drive it all the way here without stripping the gears once.  So I rule.

            Friend 2: Really.

            Friend 1: Yep.  I also parallel parked like a dream – take a look outside.  (Friend 1’s head tilts towards the café’s front window; Friend 2 turns to see a car parked half on the sidewalk, then turns back to Friend 1, who is smiling smugly) Got that on only the third try.

            Friend 2: Really.  “Best Driver in the World,” eh?

            Friend 1: (Wipes sunglasses while ripping off the price tag) Most accurate.

            Friend 2: (Leans in over coffee) Care to put that to the test?

            Friend 1: (Drops sunglasses) Huh?

            (On a small road on Italy, Friend 1 still is wearing the jacket and is leaning against a fencepost when a tiny car pulls to a stop nearby and the driver steps out)

            Examiner: Buon giorno; you are here for the road test?

            Friend 1: Um, sì; actually, I am The Best –

            Test: Yes, yes, get in, please.

            (Friend 1 squeezes into the driver’s seat as the Examiner gets into the passenger seat)

            Friend 1: Righty, where should I navigate us to? (Revs engine)

            Examiner: Straight ahead for now, then as the road tells you.

         Friend 1: Cool cannellini – away we go!  (Immediately stalls) Heh-heh, still used to an automatic.

          Examiner: Mm.  (Begins making notes on a clipboard; checks off a box next to the word “Americano/a”)

            Friend 1: (Sheepishly hits the clutch and shifts to first gear, then rapidly accelerates through the majestic hills and hairpin turns) So, just give a shout when you’d like me to take us to a winery or something.

            Examiner: Turn right, please.

          Friend 1: Now?  (Screeches onto a dirt road and starts bumping steadily uphill) Uh, is it a problem that I didn’t get a chance to signal?

            Examiner: (Shrugs) Eh.

          Friend 1: (Takes the car on a 85-degree angle up several switchbacks, accelerating faster and faster the higher they go) So, I’ve got this and everything – oops – (Screeches up another switchback) but I was just wondering if, you know, I should get ready to turn off soon or anything –

            Examiner: You are doing fine: we are going all the way to the top.

         Friend 1: Ohhhh – kaaaaaayyyyyy!!!  (Stalls again in mid-turn; the car begins to roll backwards) Oh no – (Frantically shifts into all gears) oh no –

            Examiner: On these hills, one must drive with the sole.

            Friend 1: My soul?!

            Examiner: The sole!  Of your foot!  Floor it!

         Friend 1: Got it!  (Shifts and accelerates fast enough to get the car moving forward again through the turn, nearly hitting a jogger who never breaks stride) Wheeee!

            Examiner: (Sighs)

            (The car flies into a walled cobblestoned town)

          Friend 1: (Slamming on the clutch and the brake) Ah!  Tourists!  (The car immediately is surrounded by pedestrians)

            Examiner: Just drive through them; they will move.  Now go find a parking spot.

            Friend 1: Uhhhh, sure, no problem.  (Crawls through the two-way streets built for foot traffic, gently nudging people aside and squeezing past the cars left next to buildings) Sooooo, should I be looking for signs for a municipal lot or something?

            Examiner: There’s a spot – take it now!

            Friend 1: (Points) That?  There’s already two cars in it!

            Test: Exactly!  Take it now!

            Friend 1: (Takes seven attempts to squeeze the car into the space, then brakes) Nailed it, now what?

            Examiner: Now it is lunch.  (Disappears into a trattoria for an hour; returns to the car and sees Friend 1 still seated there) Did you stay here this whole time?!

            Friend 1: I was afraid to move.

           Examiner: Very well, then move out of the spot now.  (Friend 1 takes some time backing out into the sporadic traffic, then resumes the slow trek through the town)  Go down that hill.

            Friend 1: Whoa, yeah, not that this is a problem or anything, but that street is a bit vertical –

            Examiner: You see everyone else driving down it without hesitation, yes?

            Friend 1: Heh-heh, I was just kidding.  Here we go!  (Rides the brake all the way downhill)

            Examiner: Points deducted since you are being tailgated by a bicyclist.

           Friend 1: (Hunched forward, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles) That’s on them!

            (At the bottom of the hill, they level out and reach a roundabout)

            Examiner: Take the second exit.

            Friend 1: Is that the next exit after this turn or the next exit after that turn?

            Examiner: The second exit.

            Friend 1: Uhhh…. (Screeches around the roundabout several times before cutting off two cars to take the correct exit) Uhhh… we’re getting on the A1….

            Examiner: Precisely.

            (They enter the thoroughfare and Friend 1 weaves in and out of the basically straight traffic)

            Friend 1: So, like me to push it to 110 kph?  `Cause I can do that, no big deal.

            Examiner: Take the next exit, please.

            Friend 1: (Gasps) Does that say “Roma”?!

            Examiner: Yes.  There, your true test will begin.

            (They enter Rome and start and stop through rush hour traffic)

            Friend 1: (Before a ginormous roundabout) Since this is going to take forever, I’m just gonna hop into that gelateria over there –

            Examiner: There’s your opening!  Seize it!

         (Friend 1 zips through the traffic, suffering close encounters with motorcyclists and more tourists all being just everywhere)

            Friend 1: Hold on – (Zigs) hold on – (Zags) I’ve got this – (Nearly crashes into Vatican City) – almost there – !  (Flies through the air and lands in Trevi Fountain)

            Examiner: Now, what do you think your next step should be?  Keep in mind, you eventually will need to find your way to the A5 because we are moving on to France now.

            Friend 1: (Unbuckles seatbelt, gets out of the car, and flings off the racing jacket) I relinquish my title: I am taking the train back to the airport and will never ever drive ever again!  (Disappears into the unfazed crowd, shaking all the way)

            Examiner: (Sighs, then slides over to the driver’s seat and begins reversing the car out of the fountain) Some people just cannot handle a few quirks of the road.

Story 244: Which Roads Did You Take to Get Here?

            (Setting: New Jersey)

            Guest 1: (Sits down in a rush, speaking low) Hey.

            Guest 2: (Sitting nearby, also speaking low) Oh hey, how are you?

            Guest 1: (Takes off coat) Got stuck in traffic; didn’t mean to get here so late.

          Guest 2: That’s all right, there’s no set time to show up at these things.  (After Guest 1 is settled) Which roads did you take to get here?

            Guest 1: Oh, mainly Parkway South.

            Guest 2: (Nearly chokes) What on Earth would you do a thing like that for?!

            Guest 1: It’s the most direct way, the exit’s right over here, what was I supposed to take?

           Guest 2: Anything other than that!  Parkway South, on a Friday afternoon, in the summer, is commuter suicide, and you deliberately chose it when there are literally a dozen other routes to get here that a resident like you should know by now.  I should make you turn in your “Local” card.

            Guest 1: Ha, ha; how’d you get here then, if you’re so backroads-savvy?

           Guest 2: (Starts gesticulating to demonstrate) Well, I’m right off of Route 34, which is a gift from Heaven this time of year, so I took 34 South all the way to Route 138, then over to Route 35, cut across to Route 71, took that until it intersected with this street, then took the roundabout to the cross street so I could park five blocks away from here and get right on the highway later.  Easy peasy!

            Guest 1: Sounds unnecessarily convoluted.  I just took Parkway South and got off right over here.

            Guest 2: Yeah, and paid for it dearly, and I don’t just mean tolls.  How long did it take you to crawl the 20 miles down here with the rest of the Shore Traffic?

            Guest 1: …Two hours.

            Guest 2: Ha!  Forty-five minutes.

            Guest 1: It wasn’t just the traffic, OK?  There was an accident everyone had to stop and stare at!

            Guest 2: Wouldn’t have gotten that on Route 34.

            Guest 1: No, they probably would have closed off the entire road and you’d’ve had to detour 10 miles around it!

            Guest 2: Still would’ve been faster than the Parkway.

            Guest 3: (Sits next to Guest 2, holding a cup of water.  To Guest 1) Hi, how’ve you been?

            Guest 1: Oh fine, just arguing about which roads are worse this time of year.

            Guest 3: Oh yeah?

            Guest 2: I’ve been explaining the folly of taking Parkway South to get here.

            Guest 3: Parkway South?  In the summer?

            Guest 2: (To Guest 1) See.

            Guest 1: It was the most direct way here!  Stop judging me!

            Guest 3: Sorry, but sometimes the fastest distance between two points is not a straight line.

            Guest 2: It’s actually “the shortest distance between two points.”

            Guest 3: (Hisses) That’s the same thing I just said!

            Guest 2: Actually –

          Guest 3: Forget it; bottom line, don’t take Parkway South this time of year at all unless it’s between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., and even then build in an extra hour just in case there’s a jackknifed tractor trailer or something.

            Guest 1: But Parkway South is the most direct!

          Guest 4: (Sitting in the row in front of them, just now turning around) I never take the Parkway in the summer.

            Guest 2: Thank you.

            Guest 1: So what do you take when you have to go a long distance south?

            Guest 4: Route 9.  (The other three stare in horror) It takes you all the way to Parkway Exit 0, and with none of the tolls.

            Guest 2: Route… 9????

            Guest 4: It’s not all bad.  Towards the end it’s actually quite lovely.

            Guest 2: Why would you willingly throw yourself into the disaster that is Route 9 all the way south, when you could just as easily take Route 34 to 35 to 70 to 539 –

            Guest 1: (To Guest 2) You know, I’m surprised you have any gas left in your car with all the circuitous routes you take in your life.

            Guest 2: I have a 10-minute daily commute and I refuse to be stuck in traffic ever again!

          Guest 4: I’ve accepted traffic as I’ve accepted taxes, but full disclosure: the only reason I happened upon Route 9 as a substitute parallel road is because I’m currently in toll payment jail.

           Guest 1: Well, stinks to be you, but I’m still taking the Parkway when it’s the most direct route.

            Guest 2: Why are you willfully ignoring the glory of bypassing that infernal morass by just taking Route 34?!

            Guest 1: Because 34 also has traffic and has four circles – who actually thought that circles instead of lights would be faster?!  And safer?!  The sudden lane-changing and non-yielding have nearly killed me every time!

            Guest 3: I prefer roundabouts myself.

            Guest 1: There are no words for you.

            Guest 5: (Approaches the group) Hi guys.

            Guests 1-4: Hey.

           Guest 5: They’re going to be wrapping up here soon, if you’d like to pay your respects one last time – ?

            Guest 1: Oh, right!  (Rushes to kneel in front of the casket)

            Guest 4: I should head over there, too – I forgot to drop off the card. (Follows Guest 1)

            (Guest 2 and Guest 3 sit in silence for a few moments)

            Guest 2: You know, Grandpa would’ve agreed with me about Route 34.

           Guest 3: I think he would’ve agreed with me in telling you to quit while you’re ahead.