(The
Representative looks up and smiles as the Client is shown into the office)
Representative:
Welcome! Please have a seat.
Client:
Thanks. (Sits and begins biting nails)
Representative:
So, what can we assist you with today?
(Glances at the nail-biting) Self-control, perhaps?
Client:
Hm? Oh, I guess. (Stops biting) Actually, I suddenly realized
recently that I curse a lot, and I mean a lot, and not in a good
way.
Representative:
There’s a good way?
Client:
Yeah, I mean, nobody really cares about ----, ----, ----, or even ------ ------
(Representative’s smile is now frozen), but my problem is that I, whatchamacallit…
blaspheme? I think that’s the word.
Representative:
Oh, we say “G ---- it” a little too much, do we?
Client:
Not especially, but it does slip out every now and then. No, the one I want to stop saying completely
is “Jesus Christ.”
Representative:
I see. I assume you mean that you’re saying it in a non-prayerful manner.
Client:
Exactly. I don’t know if it’s that the
syllables flow together so nicely, or if it really did start out as a prayer
asking why everything is so wretched, but for me it’s gotten way out of
hand. I can’t stop saying it, and
I think it’s making Him extremely disappointed in me.
Representative:
Right. Here’s what we’re going to do. (Pulls a device from out of a desk drawer, pushes
a few buttons, and hands it to the Client) This is a recorder: carry it with
you wherever you go for a week, then come back here and we’ll review the
results and form an action plan.
Client:
(Stares at the device) So, what, I have to turn it on every time I think I’m
gonna say it?
Representative:
Nope – it’s always on, I just set it to retain the recording for 10 seconds
before and after you say the key phrase.
Client:
You mean “Je – ”?
Representative:
Don’t set it off just yet, you'll skew the results. It’ll send me a log throughout the week, so I’ll
have everything ready by the time you come back – barring any “events” on the
ride over here that morning.
Client:
OK… thanks. (Pockets the device and stands
to leave) When you say that it’s always on, you mean it’s listening to everything,
all the time?
Representative:
It sure is! But don’t worry, it’s
nothing your own cell phone’s not doing right now. (Client sharply looks down at pants pockets)
Just maybe hold off on discussing any state secrets for a week, eh,
heh-heh-heh?
Client:
Right… hold off on those…. (Leaves, looking disturbed)
Representative:
Oh dear.
ONE WEEK LATER
(The
Representative looks up and smiles as the Client is shown into the office)
Representative:
Welcome again! Please have a seat.
Client:
Thanks. (Takes device out of pocket and
gingerly sets it on the desk)
Representative:
So. We’ve had an eventful week.
Client:
(Speaks around biting nail) Was it that bad?
Representative:
I’ll play you some of the highlights.
(Selects a few sound files on the desktop computer and plays them)
Client’s
Voice: (On computer speakers; car horns are blaring in the background) Are you
kidding me?! That’s why we’ve
been crawling for the past five miles – to watch someone change a tire?! Jesus Christ, I hate people!
Client:
(Sheepishly) Rush hour.
Representative:
Understandable. (Selects another file)
Client’s
Voice: (On computer speakers; a phone rings) Ugh, this guy again. Hello, this is – I told you 10 minutes
ago, this is a business, not a residence, the electric bills are done at
Corporate, go scam them! (Sound of a
slammed receiver) Jesus Christ, if they call me one more time – (Phone rings)
Son of a -----!
Client:
Yeah, telemarketers. Bad enough you get
`em at home, am-I-right?
Representative:
Yes, it’s very odd when they call at work;
I had one the other day call here asking if I wanted my kitchen floor
tiled. (Selects another file)
Different
Voice: – and don’t think I don’t see you sneaking around spying on everyone when you
claim you need to go to another department for a minute; you’re really angling
to take everybody’s job!
Client’s
Voice: It’s called “Talking to people in person so I can get my work done,” Jesus
------- Christ! (Client and Representative
wince) I’m tired of you always saying stuff like this; maybe you’re sneaking around spying on everyone when you should be doing your job!
Client:
Yeah, that one was really bad.
Representative:
Uh-huh. (Closes files) There are more
than 100 instances here –
Client:
Whoa, that many? I don’t even remember
half of them, isn’t that awful?
Representative:
– but here’s my recommended course of action: Word Substitution.
Client:
Huh?
Representative:
It works for all my potty-mouthed clients: we find a word or phrase with the
same number of syllables and similar inflections, bonus if there are similar
sounds, and voilà ! Replacement non-curse
cursing.
Client:
I guess I can try it out. What’ve you
got?
Representative:
(Whips out a list) A favorite among preschool teachers is “Cheese and Rice.”
Client:
(Mouths this while thinking) I dunno, I think it kind of makes me sound
like a preschooler.
Representative:
All right, how about “Jeans and Lice”?
Client:
Um, ew?
Representative:
OK, “Seamus Geist”?
Client:
Hm, international. Any others?
Representative:
“Jeans and Rice.”
Client:
That’s just combining two of the others.
Representative:
Yes it is.
Client:
I’ll have to think these over.
Representative:
Sure, take the whole list, makes no difference to me what you pick. (Hands over list) Let us know how you do, and
please pay this at the front desk. (Hands over bill)
Client:
(Eyes widen at the amount; looks up at the Representative) Jeeeeeee-ans and
Geist!
Representative:
You see? Worth every penny.
