(On a muddy field in a light rain, a band of warriors with Viking helmets, shields, and swords receive a pep talk from their leader)
Lead Warrior 1: All right, my fellow combatants, you know how this goes: the stakes are high, the enemy – (Points across the field to a similar-looking band of warriors, also being pep-talked) as plucky as we and of equal number, the situation is dire, and the battle conditions – (Raises a finger to test the wind just as a mild downpour begins) are not ideal. BUT: we have courage!
Warriors: (Shaking their shields and swords in agreement) Rah!
Lead Warrior 1: We have might!
Warriors: Rah!
Lead Warrior 1: We have derring-do!
Warriors: Rah-Rah!
Lead Warrior 1: And together, nothing can stop us from taking this right-of-way between one side of the woods and the other – (Points to a dirt path nearby) ARE YOU WITH ME?!
Warriors: (Shaking everything very loudly) RAAAAHHHH!!!!
Lead Warrior 1: And so! Warriors! (Turns dramatically to face the opposing band and dramatically pulls on a helmet, picks up a shield, and draws a sword) For glory, honor, and self-esteem: we fight!
Warriors: (As the entire group begins to rush forward as one) RAAAAAAAA – !
Lead Warrior 2: (Turns from addressing a similarly riled-up group; to Lead Warrior 1) Could you give us another 10, 15 seconds? I’m almost done here.
Lead Warrior 1: (Skids to a stop with the rest of the group) Of course – proceed.
(Everyone in the first group fidgets as Lead Warrior 2 turns back to face the other group)
Lead Warrior 2: And so, for bragging rights: we fight!
Opposing Warriors: RAAAAHHHH!!!!!
Lead Warrior 1 and Warriors: RAAAAHHHH!!!!
(Both bands of Warriors rush at each other, then crash to a stop again as Lead Warrior 1 and Lead Warrior 2 face off directly in each other’s faces)
Lead Warrior 1: Right! How do we start this?
Lead Warrior 2: (Thinks for a few moments) How about, on the count of three, everyone cheers us on as you and I fight – to the almost-death!
Lead Warrior 1: Sounds good to me! (Addressing both groups) What say ye, mighty Warriors?
Warriors: (Everyone shakes their swords and shields in the air) RAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Lead Warrior 2: Let’s have at it, then! One! Two! –
Lead Warrior 1: (Lowers sword) Wait, is it on three or after three?
Lead Warrior 2: (Lowers sword) Don’t start with that.
Random Warrior 1: Are we battling or what?
Random Warrior 2: (Other side) Yeah, let’s battle!
Warriors: (Shaking their swords and shields in the air again) RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Lead Warrior 1 and Lead Warrior 2: (Trying to keep each side back) Wait a minute – !
(Both sides of Warriors stumble forward and start clanking their swords and shields against each other clumsily, to the sounds of chunks of wood smacking larger chunks of wood)
Lead Warrior 1: (Trying to rise above the mass of Viking helmets) Cease! I will have an orderly mêlée here!
(As the massive scrum shifts back-and-forth, the sound of singing voices grows louder as it gets closer)
Singing Voices: <Mead/ Mead/ Mead/ Mead/ Bring me more mead/ I need more mead!>
(Warriors stumble to a stop and the crowd breaks open as a group of elves, peasants, knights, royalty, fairies, bards, witches, and Robin Hood appear, swinging tankards in time to their song and dancing around as they casually stroll through the paused battle)
Lead Warrior 1: What in the Valkyries’ Valhalla is going on here?!
Lead Warrior 2: (Shakes a sword at the new group) Indeed! We be in the midst of great combat betwixt blood-enemy foes, testing strength and steel over these lands of our ancestors for the glory of the gods!
Warriors: (On both sides, less enthusiastically than before) Raaaahhhh….
Robin Hood: Well, we be in the midst of the 3:00 Pub Crawl, and having recently departed Ye Olde Dragon Flagon, ye be now in our path toward the next stop, Ye Olde Flaming Mermaid.
Fairy: They have the best falafel there.
Everyone Else: Mmmmmmm….
Lead Warrior 1: (Shakes head out of the food daydream) Yes-yes, but what about our epic battle?!
Lead Warrior 2: Yeah, I’ve been training six months for this set piece.
Robin Hood: Perhaps ye be best served by belaying your little skirmish as our merry band passes through, and if any of your fair company chooses to partake with us, those of age 21 and over are welcome to do so. (Leads the group through both bands of warriors, singing and swinging their tankards anew)
Pub Crawl Group: <Ninety-nine bottles of mead on the wall/ Ninety-nine bottle of mead!>
(Warriors stare after the Pub Crawl Group as it continues down the dirt path)
Spectator: (Holding a camera in one hand while rocking a baby stroller back-and-forth with the other; to Lead Warrior 1 and Lead Warrior 2) Soooo… is the Authentic Viking Battle over now, or what?
Lead Warrior 1: (Raises the sword high in the air again) The battle has barely begun! We –
Lead Warrior 2: Aw, save it for the 4:30 show. (Sheathes the sword, turns to the Warriors, and raises a hand) All who’d rather move on to Ye Olde Flaming Mermaid, say “Aye”!
Warriors: (All raise a hand) Aye!
Lead Warrior 2: (Lowers hand) Right – off we go.
(Lead Warrior 2 leads Warriors to follow the Pub Crawl Group, all still carrying their swords and shields and wearing their helmets)
Lead Warrior 1: (Stares at the receding band for a bit, then shrugs and follows them) Wouldn’t be the first Renaissance Faire I’m fired from – (To the others up ahead) Save some falafel for me!