Story 308: Tour Guide Tribulations

            (Outside Vatican City)

          Tour Guide: All right, everyone stay together and try not to lose me in the daily crowd of millions.  You all have your radios?

            Tourists: Check!

            Tourist 1: No.

            Tour Guide: Where is the one my assistant gave you?

            Tourist 1: I don’t know.

           Tour Guide: …OK, go grab another one and hold on tight: none of you will be able to hear a word I’m saying without it.

            Tourists: Check!

            Tour Guide: Right.  Now keep an eye out for my banner.  (Raises aloft a golf club with a full-size Italian flag attached to it).  Memorize this – you don’t want to start following another group and wind up in St. Peter’s Basilica’s crypt, now do you?

            Tourist 2: [Gasps] The crypt was an option?!

            Tour Guide: Not in this package – and away we go!

            (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds outside the mile-high walls and goes through security to enter the foreign country of Vatican City)

            Tourist 3: Oh no, you didn’t tell us we needed to bring our passports!

            Tour Guide: You don’t need them to get in.

            Tourist 3: But we’re technically entering an independent nation!

            Tour Guide: Just keep moving – you’re holding up the line.

          (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds to enter the Vatican Museums)

            Tour Guide: And in this section of artwork dating back centuries, here are some pagan statues of heathens.

            Tourist 4: Such heresy in the Holy See!  And all that unseemly marble flesh!

            Tour Guide: I know, isn’t it awesome?

         (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in the rest of the Museums)

            Tour Guide: Wait a minute – did we lose somebody back there?

            Tourist 5: (Two rooms back) Wait for meeee….

            Tour Guide: Everybody else stay here – I have never lost a paying customer in the 23 years I’ve done this tour, and I’ll be blazed if I break my record now.  (Swims upstream to drag Tourist 5 back to the rest of the group)  Pick a buddy and stay with them.

            Tourist 5: But I came by myself.

            Tour Guide: Until the tour ends, we’re all family now!

        (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds outside the Sistine Chapel)

          Tour Guide: So, only two rules: no photos, and for the love of all that is literally holy, shut the… heaven up in there.

            Tourist 6: But what if – ?

            Tour Guide: No photos and no talking!  Why can no one ever just say “OK” and do it?!

            (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in the Sistine Chapel)

            Overhead Speaker: (In every language) SHUT THE ---- UP!

          Tourists: I’m hungry – I’m tired – I got a good picture of the ceiling – My feet hurt – Where’s the Pope? – Where’s our guide? – What are they yelling about? – I can’t hear you –

          Tour Guide: (In head) Forgive them, for they know not what they do.  Except they probably do and just don’t care, but I’m being generous.

            (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in St. Peter’s Basilica)

           Tour Guide: Admire the artwork, admire the holiness, admire the wedding that’s going on in that side chapel over there –

            Tourist 7: Whoa, how much did that cost?

           Tour Guide: I’m afraid to even think about it.  (Looks around) For crying out loud, did we lose somebody again?!

            Tourist 5: (Trapped by at the high altar) Wait for meeee….

           Tour Guide: Nobody move!  I am not tripping at the finish line here!  (Swims upstream to drag Tourist 5 back to the rest of the group) You’re lucky I’m never seeing you ever again after this.

            (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in St. Peter’s Square)

           Tour Guide: (Facing the group) All right, take in the view.  (They admire the view)  OK, tour’s over, you can disperse now.

          Tourist 8: (Handing over a tip) You’re the best tour guide we’ve ever had, and we’ve been to every country on this continent!

           Tour Guide: Thank you; it’s good you did the morning one and not my 3:00 – that’s when this place really gets crowded.

Story 307: Probiotic vs. Antibiotic

           (Scene: A battlefield, temporarily inactive.  There is a large tent for the commanding officer, who is inside writing a letter)

            General Antibiotic: “Dear Host, I hope this missive finds you well, or at the very least, on the mend.  I wish to report that our first round of troops met with limited success: we cleared the outer perimeter of the wound and have made several inroads, but if we are going to have any sort of lasting impact then I am afraid another round is needed, and perhaps the dosage increased to twice daily.  Then, I am confident, we will have the proper numbers to sufficiently overwhelm the destructive invaders and KILL THEM ALL.  On a side note, there are a several rabble-rousers in their midst who seem to have clashed with us in other venues and are now unable to be destroyed; however, by the time we have completed our mission there will be too few of them to cause any significant trouble, I should think.  To be on the safe side, though, best keep an eye on the state of your digestive tract going forward, if you take my meaning.  Affectionately Yours, General Antibiotic.”

            Soldier: (Enters the tent) Sir!  Someone here to see you!

            General Antibiotic: One of the enemy?

            Soldier: Not exactly – says they’re practically a resident.

            General Antibiotic: All right, send `em in.

            (Soldier holds open a tent flap to let in a disheveled visitor)

            General Antibiotic: Welcome!  Have a seat.  (They both sit)  And, you are…?

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Lactobacillus Acidophilus.

            General Antibiotic: Of course, of course, how could I have forgotten?

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: You know me?

         General Antibiotic: Not personally, but I know that your kind and the Host have a lovely mutually beneficial living arrangement.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: That we do.

            General Antibiotic: So.  What brings on this visit?

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: First of all, I have to say you and your regiment certainly achieve results.  I mean, when you come in, you really come in, if you know what I mean – take no prisoners, wipe them all out, etc.  Very efficient.

          General Antibiotic: Why, thank you – we take great pride in our work.  Leave no organism alive, and we stick to that motto, yes indeedy.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Yes, well, the flip side of that work ethic is a bit of a problem.

          General Antibiotic: How so?  We’re designed to wipe them all out, so we wipe them all out, end of story.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Exactly: the “all” part of that sentence.  (General Antibiotic stares blankly)  You’re killing all of us, too, dude!

            General Antibiotic: Well, we don’t discriminate.

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Then how do you expect the Host to survive after you’ve completed your carnage?  We’re the ones keeping the really bad guys at bay; once you’ve finished demolishing us and go wherever it is you disintegrate to, those jerks are gonna move right in!  En masse!

           General Antibiotic: I must say, you didn’t do such a great job keeping out this current lot we’re taking care of now, you know.

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: That’s not our department!  We’re maintenance; this was a failure in wound repair!

        General Antibiotic: Look, my figurative hands are tied.  We’re not from nature, and our specifications are not advanced enough to target individual types of your kind and let the rest of you be, so right now it’s either deal with the unfortunate collateral damage or find yourself a new Host as this one destroys itself trying to destroy the enemy.

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Can’t you just, I don’t know, not kill as many of us each time?

          General Antibiotic: Quite impossible: we strive for 100% with each and every foray.  We know we will not achieve 100%, but as a matter of professional pride, strive we must.  We usually manage to hit 99%.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Yeah, 99% of us, too!  What are we supposed to do?!

            General Antibiotic: That’s not our department.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Clearly!  Your department is death!

          General Antibiotic: Exactly.  We’re doing what you folks obviously couldn’t; it’s regrettable that these scenarios are always all-or-nothing, but the best I can advise is that you send a request to the Host for backup in the form of yogurt, soy milk, or pills like the ones that transported my regiment.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Send a request?  The Host doesn’t listen to us – they barely know we exist!  I can’t even get the nervous system to relay a message; every time I do it just crashes up against the cerebrum and dissipates!

            General Antibiotic: Oh.  Then who I have been sending reports to this whole time?

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Yourself, apparently!

            General Antibiotic: (Shakes self out of reverie) No matter; they’ll figure it out.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Figure what out?

            General Antibiotic: My request for more troops.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: More?!

         General Antibiotic: Oh yes, this is just the beginning – it’s hard to tell at the start of any campaign how many waves of destruction will be needed, but it seems now that at least one more week’s onslaught should just about finish these hooligans off.  Although, I suspect it might be another two weeks, since they’re being especially stubborn.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: And also finish us off!  (Stands) It seems my kind and I have no choice but to join the enemy and fight with them against you!

          General Antibiotic: (Starts writing another letter) I wouldn’t advise it: you’ll be destroyed either way, so you’re better off focusing your remaining energies on keeping the Host alive until you’re obliterated.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: You –

          General Antibiotic: (Looks up again) Ooh, here’s an idea: why not make yourself and your crew resistant to us, like some of those nasties we’ve seen out there – that way at least some of you just might make it to the end, yes?

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Oh, make ourselves antibiotic-resistant just like that, huh?

          General Antibiotic: Uh-huh – who knows, you might even be so already, seeing as you’re still here and I haven’t killed you yet.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Haven’t killed – ?

        General Antibiotic: (Hears skirmishing outside and heads for the tent entrance to listen) Speaking of which, you’d best be moving along now – sounds like the games are starting up again and we wouldn’t want to be caught in the crossfire, would we?

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: (Opens the tent flaps and sees a battle raging outside; while running away) I hate you so muuuuuuuuuuccccchhhhh….

            General Antibiotic: (Smiles before plunging into the fracas) I love a job well done.

Story 306: Subconscious Problem Solver

        (Inside The Mind – an Old West-style saloon, with Brain Cells as the customers and Subconscious as the bartender)

          Subconscious: (To Brain Cell at the bar) I know it’s all very thrilling and keeps the malaise at bay, but if The Host keeps this up then we’re just gonna keep losing more of you guys every time Cranium gets whacked.

            Brain Cell: But the thrill of it all!  (Whirls back to a table to rest)

           Subconscious: No one ever listens to me.  (To the rest of the room) Anyone want to hear that song from the 80s – you know, the catchy one about Australia?  (Mumbles of assent)  All righty then.  (Turns on the jukebox and plays remembered segments of the song; the rest of the room groggily hums along) There, that should be a nice distraction for a bit.  (Returns to the bar and starts straightening items that are askew)

           (A shadowy figure appears at the swinging doors and then slams them open, freezing in the entrance upon seeing all the slumped figures at the tables)

            Conscious: What on Earth…?

            Subconscious: Well, well, well, look who’s decided to check on things in the deep recesses of The Mind.  For a while there, I thought you’d forgotten we existed.

            Conscious: (Approaches the bar) Listen, you know I appreciate all you do here –

            Subconscious: Save it: what do you want?

            Conscious: I have another problem.

          Subconscious: Ugh, another problem?  You seem to be collecting them lately – maybe look into that, hm?

           Conscious: Yeah, yeah; see, the thing is, I have been trying and trying to find a way to fix this for days now, and so far – nothing.

            Subconscious: Really.

            Conscious: Yeah, and I thought, well, maybe if you worked on it like you usually do…?

            Subconscious: So I’m supposed to exhaust myself day and night trying to figure this thing out while you go off on your merry little way, singing songs and skipping stones and sleeping soundly until I call you with the answer that I had to wring out of my very soul?!

            Conscious: No-o, I’ll still be thinking about it every so often.

          Subconscious: HA!  It’s the same every time: “How’s it going?”  “Any ideas yet?”  “What’s taking so long?”  “Why haven’t you solved my self-imposed crisis yet, you lazy good-for-nothing?!”  And when I’m finally able to deliver, I don’t even get a “Thank you!”

            Conscious: Um… thank you?

            Subconscious: (Glares) Is that a question?

            Conscious: Um….

          Subconscious: Forget it – just tell me what it is.  (Conscious hands over a slip of paper that Subconscious reads) Seriously?!

            Conscious: Yeah, it’s a doozy.

            Subconscious: How do you get yourself into these messes?!

           Conscious: I honestly have no idea – maybe if I did, I wouldn’t get myself into them so much?

            Subconscious: (Tosses the paper back at Conscious) Fine, I’ll work on it, now scram.

           Conscious: (Heading towards the swinging doors) Gee, thanks Sub, I’ll owe you another one, you’re the best!  (Falls out through the doors)

            Subconscious: I’m certainly the better.

ONE WEEK LATER

            Subconscious: (To an Antibody at the bar) All right, we have room for you to stay as long as you make yourself useful.

            Antibody: Thanks awfully!  And I’ll get on that nasty virus right away!  (Dashes out the doors as Conscious arrives)

            Subconscious: Oh look, it’s the Master of the House.

            Conscious: Ha-ha, you rang?

          Subconscious: Yeah, I figured out your problem for you.  (Hands over a piece of paper that Conscious reads)

            Conscious: I can’t do that!

            Subconscious: It’s that or nothing.

            Conscious: (Tears up the paper) Unacceptable!  Come up with something else!

            Subconscious: The something else is nothing.

            Conscious: Noooo!!!  I won’t do it, I won’t!

          Subconscious: Fine, don’t – makes no difference to me, I just turn off my newsfeed when things get ugly out there.  (Switches off the TV that is mounted above the bar and tuned to the Five Senses Channel)

           Conscious: (Pouts for a while, then slumps) All right, I’ll do it since it seems I have no choice!

           Subconscious: Oh, good for you.  And you forgot something.

           Conscious: What, more no-win solutions?

           Subconscious: No, just two magic words.

           Conscious: I’m not thanking you for putting me in just as bad a position as I was when this all started!

           Subconscious: It would be best to think about any future favors you may need from me.  And stop being a brat.

            Conscious: Oh, all right – thank you.

         Subconscious: You’re welcome, now get out – you’re upsetting my customers, and they already don’t like you.

            Conscious: (To the room) But you’re all a part of me, too!

            Brain Cell: Yeah, but we like the other guy better.