Story 264: What Can I Bring for Thanksgiving?

            (Phone rings)

            Host-to-Be: Hi!  How’ve you been?

         Guest-to-Be: Terrible, thanks; but since you’re taking it like a champ and hosting Thanksgiving  again this year, I’m calling to let you know I’ll bring my usual store-bought cop-out fruit salad.

            Host-to-Be: Ooh, about that: some remote cousins are actually coming this year and I already told them they could bring a fruit salad, since they were kind of last minute and all.  And I forgot you usually bring it.

            Guest-to-Be: Oh.

            Host-to-Be: Hey, now that I think about it, how about you bring a vegetable instead?  I’ve got sides coming out the ears, but they’re all starchy.  Gotta aid the digestion on this day of all days, am-I-right?

            Guest-to-Be: Oh.

            Host-to-Be: …Kay, that’d be great, gotta get back to the disaster that is the kitchen right now, see you at 2:00 tomorrow, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Guest-to-Be: (Disconnects, then stares into the middle distance for quite some time) Oh.

            (At a supermarket, shoppers are running around in a frenzy as Guest-to-Be stands in front of the wall of vegetables, captivated by all the leafy greens)

            Guest-to-Be: Should I just bring five heads of lettuce and let everybody figure it out?  (The sprinklers turn on and douse Guest-to-Be’s head)

            (In the frozen food aisle, Guest-to-Be stares at the rows of plastic-bagged freeze-dried veggies as hordes of shopping carts whiz by in all directions)

            Guest-to-Be: Corn?  (Opens door and grabs a bag) Negative value.  (Tosses it back, then grabs another bag) Brussels sprouts?  Healthy, yet hated.  (Tosses it back, then grabs another bag) Mixed vegetables?  Hm…. (Remembers dishes from Thanksgivings past – no mixed vegetables in sight) Do any of us even eat vegetables at this thing?  (Tosses the bag back, then steps backward while letting the door close; is promptly run over by a shopping cart)

            (On Thanksgiving Day, Host opens the front door after hearing the bell ring)

            Host: Oh hi!  Happy Thanksgiving; so glad you could make it!

           Guest: I brought a pumpkin pie.  (Holds up a box) It’s technically a dessert and technically a fruit, but everyone thinks it’s a vegetable so it can be served with dinner contrary to socially accepted norms.

            Host: …Thanks, we actually already have one of those, but I can put this one out, too!  (Takes the box)

          Guest: I thought such a scenario may happen, so I also brought a pumpkin.  (Holds up a ginormous pumpkin) I can slice it up for you, if you want.  (Holds up a butcher knife)

            Host: You know, how about we just leave it on the front step for decoration, hm?  (Takes the pumpkin and places it on the front step, then carefully takes away the knife; they both then stare at the lumpy pumpkin)

            Guest: Probably better this way.

            Host: You can bring the fruit salad next year –

            Guest: Oh thank YOU!

Story 263: Paid to Care, LLC

            Voiceover: Have you run afoul of the law on charges that are totally bogus?

            (Scene of innocent patsy hauled away in handcuffs, screaming “This is a frame-up job!” while onlookers turn away in apathy)

            Voiceover: Is a seller asking way too much for a house you know is worth less than half the list price?

            (Scene of a dilapidated house with a “For Sale” sign outside; a graphic stating “1,000,000” overlays that, then is abruptly overlain itself with the word “DUMP!”)

            Voiceover: Are you tired of being constantly cut in line wherever you go?

            (Scene of a short person standing in line, trying to advance but blocked and forced backward by very tall people suddenly walking in front)

            Voiceover: Fret no more, because you can have your own personal on-demand advocate ready to fight the good fight for you at a moment’s notice, here at Paid to Care, LLC!

            (Scene of the innocent patsy in a jail cell; a Paid to Care Representative appears at the door)

        Representative 1: Hi there!  I’m here to produce video documentation, three or more eyewitnesses, bank records, and/or an award-winning monologue to get you right on out of there!

           Innocent Patsy: Wow!  That’s nothing short of miraculous!  (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!

            (Scene of an office with the house buyers and sellers arguing around a table, waving papers at each other – another Paid to Care Representative smoothly steps in front of the table to face the camera)

            Representative 2: (Smiling broadly and gesturing to each party in turn) Now, you know you’re selling a dump, so we absolutely refuse to pay any more than market value, which is at most a quarter of what you’re asking, and when I say “we,” I mean these guys, our wonderful clients!

            Sellers: Aw, shucks, you’ve got us there!  (Throws papers on the table to demonstrate defeat)

            Buyers: At last, justice is served!  Thanks, Paid to Care!

            Representative 2: No need to thank me; I’m not paying a dime!  (Winks at the camera)

         (Scene of the short person still being cut in line by more and more tall people arriving; an extremely buff Paid to Care Representative appears and begins tossing away the line-cutters left and right)

            Representative 3: That’ll teach you to jump the line, you self-centered space-takers!  (Grabs another person towards the front)

            Client: Wait, that one was there before me!

            Representative 3: Oh.  As you were.  (Lets go of the person, who can breathe again)  As I was saying, the rest of you maggots wait your turn!  (To Client) Proceed.

            Client: Golly gee, wish I had your physical and moral strength!  (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!  (Is cut in line again)

            Representative 3: (Grabbing the line-cutter and hauling them away overhead) What is it with you people?!  I despair in humanity!

            Voiceover: No request is too big, too small, or too dangerous!  Call us now at 1-800-PAI-D2C-AREZ and reserve that special someone to fight your battles for you today!  (In a lower rushed voice) Results-not-guaranteed-in-every-situation-a-non-refundable-deposit-of-$1,000.00-is-required-upfront-this-does-not-include-any-and-all-fees-taxes-interest-rates-and/or-insurace-costs-Paid-to-Care-LLC-is-not-responsible-for-any-and-all-damage-resulting-from-revenge-seekers-clients-agree-to-indemnify-and-hold-harmless-Paid-to-Care-for-blowback- (In normal voice) We’re here to serve YOU!

Story 262: Winning the High School Raffle

            (Scene: A high school cafeteria repurposed into an amateur auction hall – the round tables are grouped facing a podium, and gift baskets are everywhere)

            PTO President: And now, for the 50/50.  (Holds a bucket out to an unbiased child on loan for the occasion) The winner of this drawing also will receive a free Chess Club T-shirt, yay!  (One audience member claps) Yeah.  And the winner is – (Takes ticket from the unbiased child, who disappears into the crowd) zero… zero… two… five….

            Parent 1: Hurry up!  The tension is killing me!

            PTO President: Oh, are these numbers matching your ticket?

            Parent 1: Heck no, I never do 50/50s, now come on!

            PTO President: Uh… eight-four!

            (Massive groans are heard)

          Winner: (Holding the ticket high into the air) YES!  YES-YES-YES-YES-YESSSSS!!!!  (Runs to the stage, still with the ticket aloft)

            PTO President: Um, hello, can I just check – (Cranes head to check the ticket number)

            Winner: Sure-go-ahead-I-won!  (Tosses ticket to the PTO President, who struggles to snatch it out of the air) Now where’s the T-shirt?

            PTO President: (Grabs the ticket and checks the number) Uhhhh, here you go.  (Reaches into a bag, pulls out the shirt, and hands it to the Winner)

            Winner: Sweeeeet!  (Pulls on the shirt over a sweater)

            PTO President: (Reviewing notes) Oh, and your winnings in the 50/50 are –

            Winner: (Admiring shirt) Don’t care – give it to the school or flush it down the toilet, your choice.

            PTO President: Uh, that’s very… nice of –

            Winner: Got my shirt and I’m out, ahahahaha!!! (Runs out of the cafeteria; after leaving the door, can be heard faintly) Losers.

            Parent 2: Does she even have any kids who go to this school?

            PTO President: (Struggling with notes) Now then, time for our silent auction.  Our first basket is a “Girls’ Night Out” Theme –

            Parent 3: (Stands) Actually, that was updated to “Night Out” because everyone was tired of the spa packages and store coupons, so we just filled the basket with candy and booze.  (Sits)

            PTO President: Ohhh… kaaaayyy…. And the winner for “Night Out” is – (Searches the crowd) Where’s the unbiased child to pull the numbers?

            Parent 4: They left – it was time for beddy-bye.

            PTO President: Fine, I’m pulling the numbers then.  (Pulls out a ticket) And the winner is: zero… zero….

            Parent 5: That’s me! 

            PTO President: That’s everybody.

            Parent 5: Proceed.

            PTO President: Seven… I mean one…

            Parent 6: Aw, man, there goes that!

            PTO President: Nine… two… seven.

            Parent 5: That’s me!

            PTO President: That’s – oh whoops, sorry, that was a one again.

            Parent 5: That’s me!

            PTO President: Seriously?

            Parent 5: Oh yes.  (Walks to the stage carrying a bag full of tickets; hands one to the PTO President) Here you go!

            PTO President: (Checks it) Oh wow, it’s a match.  Basket’s yours, then.  (Hands over the basket)

            Parent 5: (Raises it aloft) Party at my house, fellas!

            Parents: Woot!  Woot!

            PTO President: Please sit down.  (Parent 5 returns to seat) Now, the next basket is donated items signed by our local football celebrity, whose team is in the playoffs this year, isn’t that great?  (Silence) OK then, let me see who won this…. (Checks corresponding bucket) There’re no tickets in here?!

            Parent 3: Yeah, nobody wanted random stuff signed by him: he was a brat when he went here, and he’s an even bigger brat now.

            PTO President: But he donated all this stuff!

            Parent 3: All this used stuff.

            PTO President: Oh.  Ew.  All right, next.  (Uses foot to push the previous basket off the stage) This one has an all-inclusive trip to the North Pole with passes to meet Santa Claus and – this is a gag basket, isn’t it.

            Parent 7: (Laughing hysterically) Man, people fall for that every time!

            PTO President: Wait a minute, is there anything actually real in this one?

            Parent 7: The basket?

            PTO President: Forget it.  (Foot-pushes that basket off the stage) We’re going to move on to the artwork raffle.  (More groans in the audience) C’mon people, these were made by your children!

            Parent 4: Apparently we don’t like our children.

            PTO President: Monsters.  (Pulls out a framed watercolor of a landscape) My goodness, that’s awful – ly full of potential!  Starting bid is $1,000.00

            Parent 6: This ain’t a New York auction house, you know.

            PTO President: Clearly.  All right, $1.00?  (Silence for half a minute, then Parent 8 slowly raises a hand) Sold!  (Parent 8 slowly comes to the stage to take the painting)  Is this is your kid’s?

            Parent 8: Yes, yes: you win, world, I will no longer force my child to be a brilliantly starving artist, are you happy?!

            PTO President: I think the world and your child are, yes.  Now let’s go back to the baskets –

            Parent 3: Wait a minute, what about the art?

            PTO President: The rest won’t move, and we’ve got another 25 baskets to get through in less than an hour.

            Parent 4: But what about the sculpture of the battling dragons sitting right there?  Now that I may actually bid money on.

            PTO President: Really?

            Parent 4: …No, never mind; I’m too cheap.

            Parent 5: Can I just take all the baskets home?  The odds of you picking my tickets for each are ridiculously high.

            PTO President: No you cannot, and we are going to be here all night if you people don’t stop interrupting the proceedings!

            Parent 7: Can we all just write a check donating money to the school or something and skip the rest?

            PTO President: No!  This is supposed to be fun and team-building and you get cool stuff!  Now I am going to keep calling tickets for baskets of random knick-knacks and you will all stay here until the end to listen and complain that you never win anything, all right?!

            Parent 8: If it makes you happy.

            PTO President: It doesn’t!  I’m not even supposed to be PTO President this year but no one else wanted to do it!  This is strictly volunteer and I resent every minute of it!

            Parent 8: Even if it’s for your kid?

            PTO President: My kid graduated last year!  Why won’t you people let me goooooo????? (Sits on the stage to cradle a basket and weep)

            Parent 4: (To Parent 6) Still the best PTO President we’ve had in ages.

"The Long-Distance Big Reveal" by Jennifer E. Pergola

My first performed one-act play, included in "WHODUNNIT?" at The Grange Playhouse on October 28, 2018: