Monday, November 26, 2018
"Change or Death" - Portion of a Staged Reading Perfomed by The Grange Playhouse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhVUgiCctSw&t=717s; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP4HTn2Ycm0
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Story 264: What Can I Bring for Thanksgiving?
(Phone
rings)
Host-to-Be:
Hi! How’ve you been?
Guest-to-Be:
Terrible, thanks; but since you’re taking it like a champ and hosting
Thanksgiving again this year, I’m
calling to let you know I’ll bring my usual store-bought cop-out fruit salad.
Host-to-Be:
Ooh, about that: some remote cousins are actually coming this year and I
already told them they could bring a fruit salad, since they were kind of last
minute and all. And I forgot you usually
bring it.
Guest-to-Be:
Oh.
Host-to-Be:
Hey, now that I think about it, how about you bring a vegetable instead? I’ve got sides coming out the ears, but they’re
all starchy. Gotta aid the digestion on
this day of all days, am-I-right?
Guest-to-Be:
Oh.
Host-to-Be:
…Kay, that’d be great, gotta get back to the disaster that is the kitchen right
now, see you at 2:00 tomorrow, bye!
(Disconnects)
Guest-to-Be:
(Disconnects, then stares into the middle distance for quite some time) Oh.
(At
a supermarket, shoppers are running around in a frenzy as Guest-to-Be stands in
front of the wall of vegetables, captivated by all the leafy greens)
Guest-to-Be:
Should I just bring five heads of lettuce and let everybody figure it out? (The sprinklers turn on and douse Guest-to-Be’s
head)
(In
the frozen food aisle, Guest-to-Be stares at the rows of plastic-bagged
freeze-dried veggies as hordes of shopping carts whiz by in all directions)
Guest-to-Be:
Corn? (Opens door and grabs a bag)
Negative value. (Tosses it back, then
grabs another bag) Brussels sprouts?
Healthy, yet hated. (Tosses it
back, then grabs another bag) Mixed vegetables? Hm…. (Remembers dishes from Thanksgivings
past – no mixed vegetables in sight) Do any of us even eat vegetables at this
thing? (Tosses the bag back, then steps
backward while letting the door close; is promptly run over by a shopping cart)
(On
Thanksgiving Day, Host opens the front door after hearing the bell ring)
Host:
Oh hi! Happy Thanksgiving; so glad you
could make it!
Guest:
I brought a pumpkin pie. (Holds up a
box) It’s technically a dessert and technically a fruit, but everyone thinks it’s
a vegetable so it can be served with dinner contrary to socially accepted norms.
Host:
…Thanks, we actually already have one of those, but I can put this one out,
too! (Takes the box)
Guest:
I thought such a scenario may happen, so I also brought a pumpkin. (Holds up a ginormous pumpkin) I can slice it
up for you, if you want. (Holds up a
butcher knife)
Host:
You know, how about we just leave it on the front step for decoration, hm? (Takes the pumpkin and places it on the front
step, then carefully takes away the knife; they both then stare at the lumpy pumpkin)
Guest:
Probably better this way.
Host:
You can bring the fruit salad next year –
Guest:
Oh thank YOU!
Thursday, November 15, 2018
Story 263: Paid to Care, LLC
Voiceover:
Have you run afoul of the law on charges that are totally bogus?
(Scene
of innocent patsy hauled away in handcuffs, screaming “This is a frame-up job!”
while onlookers turn away in apathy)
Voiceover:
Is a seller asking way too much for a house you know is worth less than half the list price?
(Scene
of a dilapidated house with a “For Sale” sign outside; a graphic stating “1,000,000”
overlays that, then is abruptly overlain itself with the word “DUMP!”)
Voiceover:
Are you tired of being constantly cut in line wherever you go?
(Scene
of a short person standing in line, trying to advance but blocked and forced
backward by very tall people suddenly walking in front)
Voiceover:
Fret no more, because you can have your own personal on-demand advocate ready
to fight the good fight for you at a moment’s notice, here at Paid to Care,
LLC!
(Scene
of the innocent patsy in a jail cell; a Paid to Care Representative appears at
the door)
Representative
1: Hi there! I’m here to produce video
documentation, three or more eyewitnesses, bank records, and/or an
award-winning monologue to get you right on out of there!
Innocent
Patsy: Wow! That’s nothing short of miraculous! (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!
(Scene
of an office with the house buyers and sellers arguing around a table, waving
papers at each other – another Paid to Care Representative smoothly steps in
front of the table to face the camera)
Representative
2: (Smiling broadly and gesturing to each party in turn) Now, you know you’re
selling a dump, so we absolutely refuse to pay any more than market value,
which is at most a quarter of what you’re asking, and when I say “we,” I mean
these guys, our wonderful clients!
Sellers:
Aw, shucks, you’ve got us there! (Throws
papers on the table to demonstrate defeat)
Buyers:
At last, justice is served! Thanks, Paid
to Care!
Representative
2: No need to thank me; I’m not paying a dime!
(Winks at the camera)
(Scene
of the short person still being cut in line by more and more tall people arriving;
an extremely buff Paid to Care Representative appears and begins tossing away
the line-cutters left and right)
Representative
3: That’ll teach you to jump the line, you self-centered space-takers! (Grabs another person towards the front)
Client:
Wait, that one was there before me!
Representative
3: Oh. As you were. (Lets go of the person, who can breathe
again) As I was saying, the rest of you
maggots wait your turn! (To Client) Proceed.
Client: Golly gee, wish I had your physical and moral strength!
(To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!
(Is cut in line again)
Representative
3: (Grabbing the line-cutter and hauling them away overhead) What is it with
you people?! I despair in humanity!
Voiceover:
No request is too big, too small, or too dangerous! Call us now at 1-800-PAI-D2C-AREZ and reserve
that special someone to fight your battles for you today! (In a lower rushed voice)
Results-not-guaranteed-in-every-situation-a-non-refundable-deposit-of-$1,000.00-is-required-upfront-this-does-not-include-any-and-all-fees-taxes-interest-rates-and/or-insurace-costs-Paid-to-Care-LLC-is-not-responsible-for-any-and-all-damage-resulting-from-revenge-seekers-clients-agree-to-indemnify-and-hold-harmless-Paid-to-Care-for-blowback-
(In normal voice) We’re here to serve YOU!
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Story 262: Winning the High School Raffle
(Scene:
A high school cafeteria repurposed into an amateur auction hall – the round
tables are grouped facing a podium, and gift baskets are everywhere)
PTO
President: And now, for the 50/50.
(Holds a bucket out to an unbiased child on loan for the occasion) The
winner of this drawing also will receive a free Chess Club T-shirt, yay! (One audience member claps) Yeah. And the winner is – (Takes ticket from the
unbiased child, who disappears into the crowd) zero… zero… two… five….
Parent
1: Hurry up! The tension is killing me!
PTO
President: Oh, are these numbers matching your ticket?
Parent
1: Heck no, I never do 50/50s, now come on!
PTO
President: Uh… eight-four!
(Massive
groans are heard)
Winner:
(Holding the ticket high into the air) YES!
YES-YES-YES-YES-YESSSSS!!!! (Runs
to the stage, still with the ticket aloft)
PTO
President: Um, hello, can I just check – (Cranes head to check the ticket number)
Winner:
Sure-go-ahead-I-won! (Tosses ticket to
the PTO President, who struggles to snatch it out of the air) Now where’s the
T-shirt?
PTO
President: (Grabs the ticket and checks the number) Uhhhh, here you go. (Reaches into a bag, pulls out the shirt, and
hands it to the Winner)
Winner:
Sweeeeet! (Pulls on the shirt over a
sweater)
PTO
President: (Reviewing notes) Oh, and your winnings in the 50/50 are –
Winner:
(Admiring shirt) Don’t care – give it to the school or flush it down the
toilet, your choice.
PTO
President: Uh, that’s very… nice of –
Winner:
Got my shirt and I’m out, ahahahaha!!! (Runs out of the cafeteria; after
leaving the door, can be heard faintly) Losers.
Parent
2: Does she even have any kids who go to this school?
PTO
President: (Struggling with notes) Now then, time for our silent auction. Our first basket is a “Girls’ Night Out”
Theme –
Parent
3: (Stands) Actually, that was updated to “Night Out” because everyone was
tired of the spa packages and store coupons, so we just filled the basket with
candy and booze. (Sits)
PTO
President: Ohhh… kaaaayyy…. And the winner for “Night Out” is – (Searches the
crowd) Where’s the unbiased child to pull the numbers?
Parent
4: They left – it was time for beddy-bye.
PTO
President: Fine, I’m pulling the numbers then.
(Pulls out a ticket) And the winner is: zero… zero….
Parent
5: That’s me!
PTO
President: That’s everybody.
Parent
5: Proceed.
PTO
President: Seven… I mean one…
Parent
6: Aw, man, there goes that!
PTO
President: Nine… two… seven.
Parent
5: That’s me!
PTO
President: That’s – oh whoops, sorry, that was a one again.
Parent
5: That’s me!
PTO
President: Seriously?
Parent
5: Oh yes. (Walks to the stage carrying
a bag full of tickets; hands one to the PTO President) Here you go!
PTO
President: (Checks it) Oh wow, it’s a match.
Basket’s yours, then. (Hands over
the basket)
Parent
5: (Raises it aloft) Party at my house, fellas!
Parents:
Woot! Woot!
PTO
President: Please sit down. (Parent 5
returns to seat) Now, the next basket is donated items signed by our local football
celebrity, whose team is in the playoffs this year, isn’t that great? (Silence) OK then, let me see who won this….
(Checks corresponding bucket) There’re no tickets in here?!
Parent
3: Yeah, nobody wanted random stuff signed by him: he was a brat when he went
here, and he’s an even bigger brat now.
PTO
President: But he donated all this stuff!
Parent
3: All this used stuff.
PTO
President: Oh. Ew. All right, next. (Uses foot to push the previous basket off
the stage) This one has an all-inclusive trip to the North Pole with passes to
meet Santa Claus and – this is a gag basket, isn’t it.
Parent
7: (Laughing hysterically) Man, people fall for that every time!
PTO
President: Wait a minute, is there anything actually real in this one?
Parent
7: The basket?
PTO
President: Forget it. (Foot-pushes that
basket off the stage) We’re going to move on to the artwork raffle. (More groans in the audience) C’mon people,
these were made by your children!
Parent
4: Apparently we don’t like our children.
PTO
President: Monsters. (Pulls out a framed
watercolor of a landscape) My goodness, that’s awful – ly full of
potential! Starting bid is $1,000.00
Parent
6: This ain’t a New York auction house, you know.
PTO
President: Clearly. All right,
$1.00? (Silence for half a minute, then
Parent 8 slowly raises a hand) Sold!
(Parent 8 slowly comes to the stage to take the painting) Is this is your kid’s?
Parent
8: Yes, yes: you win, world, I will no longer force my child to be a
brilliantly starving artist, are you happy?!
PTO
President: I think the world and your child are, yes. Now let’s go back to the baskets –
Parent
3: Wait a minute, what about the art?
PTO
President: The rest won’t move, and we’ve got another 25 baskets to get through
in less than an hour.
Parent
4: But what about the sculpture of the battling dragons sitting right
there? Now that I may actually
bid money on.
PTO
President: Really?
Parent
4: …No, never mind; I’m too cheap.
Parent
5: Can I just take all the baskets home?
The odds of you picking my tickets for each are ridiculously high.
PTO
President: No you cannot, and we are going to be here all night if you people
don’t stop interrupting the proceedings!
Parent
7: Can we all just write a check donating money to the school or something and
skip the rest?
PTO
President: No! This is supposed to be
fun and team-building and you get cool stuff!
Now I am going to keep calling tickets for baskets of random
knick-knacks and you will all stay here until the end to listen and complain
that you never win anything, all right?!
Parent
8: If it makes you happy.
PTO
President: It doesn’t! I’m not even
supposed to be PTO President this year but no one else wanted to do it! This is strictly volunteer and I resent every
minute of it!
Parent
8: Even if it’s for your kid?
PTO
President: My kid graduated last year!
Why won’t you people let me goooooo????? (Sits on the stage to cradle a
basket and weep)
Parent
4: (To Parent 6) Still the best PTO President we’ve had in ages.
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