Story 316: Immigrating to Denial Land

            (At a Customs desk)

            Official: (Stamps a passport) I’ve heard enough – welcome to Denial Land, enjoy your new life of blissful ignorance, next!

            Immigrant: (Approaches the desk and hands over passport) Hello, how are you today –

          Official: (Takes passport and slams a button on the desk) You’ve been selected for random interrogation – follow that officer, please.  (Gestures to Officer standing off to the side)

            Immigrant: Oh.  Blast.  Why?

           Official: You’re too chipper.  Look at all the lost souls around you.  (Immigrant looks around and sees everyone on the lines have faces of despair) Need to make sure you really mean to block out all remnants of your old life and resettle in a new land of thought suppression.

            Immigrant: But I do, I –

            Official: Save it for the interview, next!

            (Immigrant is led to a back room and seated at a table across from Officer, who looks over the passport)

            Officer: So: what brings you to Denial Land?

            Immigrant: Well, for starters, my whole family is here – they came quite some time ago.

            Officer: Understandable.

            Immigrant: So you see, there’s nothing for me back home; I need a fresh start.

            Officer: Details, please.

            Immigrant: (Slumps back in chair) Oh, where to begin?!

            Officer: Preferably the beginning, but anywhere will do.

            Immigrant: OK, um, one major motivator is, my job is garbage.

            Officer: So nu?

           Immigrant: Yeah, except mine is literally garbage: I drive a truck for the sanitation department, so you can imagine the stench alone would drive one mad, if I still had my sense of smell, the loss of which has also affected my sense of taste, but I digress.

            Officer: You do.

           Immigrant: So, the work can get pretty dangerous, with the unpredictable dumpsters and the homicidal street traffic and the random unruly residents, and the hours are really bad, and I just survived another round of layoffs which means they doubled our routes yet expect us to finish them in the same amount of time as before, which is physically impossible.

            Officer: I would think so.

            Immigrant: It’s gotten unbearable, multiple times: I get so little sleep, and my nerves are shot, and I keep getting colds all year long, and the union can’t really do much for us anymore, and the worst part of it is, I can’t just quit and find another job because no one else’ll have me.

           Officer: I doubt that: even if, I’m assuming, you don’t have a higher ed degree, you have the driving and operating heavy machinery experience – plus customer service, dealing with the rowdy homeowners.

            Immigrant: I’ve gone on 200 interviews in the past three years.

            Officer: Ouch.

            Immigrant: That’s what my brain says every day.

           Officer: Well, I can see how that’d put a damper on things, but I’m gonna need a little more.  What else do you want to be in permanent denial about?

           Immigrant: Um, well, lately my friends’ve been saying they don’t want to hang out with me anymore because I spend the whole time complaining, which bums them out.

            Officer: I agree with them.

           Immigrant: They also say I never include the tip when I pay my share of the check, which is totally bogus.

            Officer: `Cause you actually include the tip and they don’t see it?

            Immigrant: No, I mean tipping is bogus: just pay your employees a living wage for doing their jobs, for crying out loud!  No one tips me, and my life is on the line a boatload more times than theirs.

            Officer: Really?

          Immigrant: Have you ever had a two-ton dumpster hanging above your head and the only thing keeping it from crushing you flat is a set of weathered levers?

            Officer: Fair enough.  Anything else you’d like to add?

            Immigrant: Yes: I will never find true love and I would like not to care.

           Officer: Done.  (Stamps passport and stands; Immigrant also stands as Officer hands over the passport) Welcome to Denial Land; hope your new life here treats you better than your life in Reality Land did.

           Immigrant: Thank you so much!  I’m really looking forward to this: I’ve heard it’s very serene and comforting, living in Denial.

           Officer: It’s freakin’ amazing – I’m frankly surprised the entire world hasn’t immigrated here yet.

Story 315: We Interrupt This Meeting for the Following Life Event

            (In a board room, six Members and one Chair are seated around a long table)

           Chair: I’m calling this meeting to order – we’re already five minutes late, and I am not wasting any more valuable time waiting for one slacker.  (Gestures to the empty seat at the opposite end of the table)

            Member 1: But their wedding is going on right now –

          Chair: If they can’t manage to be on time after making a commitment to join this committee, then what good are they, is what I say.  Now (Shuffles papers and glares at Member 3, whose keeps checking a vibrating cell phone), first order of business: approval of the previous meeting’s minutes.  (Looks around the table) Well?  Did anyone read them?  (Everyone looks down at their hands) I suppose the more important question is, “Did anyone write them?”

            Member 2: Yeah, since the admin’s still on maternity leave for the next few months we were supposed to rotate that amongst ourselves, but no one actually volunteered to go first.

            Chair: Useless.  All of you, and admin What’s-Her-Name, taking precious company time just to generate a tiny version of herself that’s no good to anybody right now.

            Member 2: Actually, her name is –

         Chair: Not Here!  That’s all I know!  (There is a knock on the room’s door) Clearly “No Interruptions” means nothing in this world.  (Hits a button on a remote control to open the door) What do you want?  (Someone in a uniform leans into the room and holds up a cooler) Oh that – come back in 20 minutes, m’kay?

            Uniform: But –

           Chair: (Hits a button on the remote control that slams the door shut) Now, since the minutes obviously are tabled until one of you layabouts gets around to writing them (Looks pointedly at Member 2, who begins scribbling notes on a pad), we will proceed to the next agenda item: (Reads from a paper) “Capital Budget Approvals.”  (Looks at Member 3) That’s your report, I believe?

            Member 3: Uh – yes, about that –

          Chair: Yes, about that: we all would like to hear about that.  (Member 3’s phone starts vibrating again) Are we interrupting something?

           Member 3: Uh – actually – (Looks at the phone) – uh, my partner and I are closing on the house today, and I was supposed to take off for that but then the meeting was rescheduled for now so I couldn’t take off, and with everything going on and me thinking I’d be off today I didn’t actually… do.. the…. (Trails off under the Chair’s withering glare)

            Chair: I’m waiting for the part where this is my problem.

            Member 4: (Grabs the wireless keyboard and mouse and retrieves charts to display on the wall monitor) It’s OK, I have the preliminary numbers for this and we can finalize them next meeting.

         Chair: (Still glaring at Member 3) They are supposed to be finalized this meeting, so preliminary anything does nothing for me.

            Member 3: (Texting on the phone and avoiding the Chair’s glare) Yeah – uh – I can have it done, uh, next week.

            Chair: After the meeting!  It might as well be done next century!  I hope your closing costs are triple the estimate and your lawyer charges overtime!  (Member 3’s jaw drops open) Moving on: the next item on the agenda is the upcoming community event the company’s apparently sponsoring to raise funds for some old age disease or, I don’t know, syphilis maybe.  So what are the updates on that?

            Member 5: Yes, this actually is a very personal project for me since my own diagnosis last year – everyone in the company has been so supportive, and with the funds raised in events like this, my doctors say I should be in remission once I have the last round of chemo, which is scheduled for right after this meeting is over.  (Looks pointedly at Chair while the other Members applaud)

            Chair: We’ll see about that – no one is going anywhere until matters here are resolved, my friend.  So, for the event, pick five volunteers from each of your departments and tell them to staff a table for 12 hours each or something; that should shut everybody up.  Next item –

            Member 3: (On the phone, standing; to Chair) I’m really sorry, but I have to go – the lawyers are starting to scream at each other and not even the seller knows what’s going on.

            Chair: (Points at Member 3) You sit back down right now and you stay in that seat until we are done and NOT A SECOND EARLIER!  (Member 3 sits; there is a knock on the door) Flippin’ rice – (Hits the button on the remote control to open the door) What?!  (Uniform leans into the room and holds up the cooler again) I SAID 20 MINUTES!

            Uniform: It can’t wait that long – this kidney’s only viable for another hour, so if you’re not prepped for the O.R. in the next 10 minutes it’ll be no good to anybody!

            Chair: Too bad for you!  (Hits a button to slam the door shut) Now, next item on the agenda –

            Member 6: (Stands) You know, I’m missing my kid’s dance recital for this, and I’d rather sit through that then stay another second here getting nothing done.  (Exits)

            Chair: We’re getting nothing done because you all are wasting precious time on trivialities!  Now let’s stop dithering about what we’re missing out on and start focusing on planning which side of the building the new company logo should be installed!  My vote’s east, to rival the rising sun.  (Members 1-5 stand and leave; Chair also stands)  Excuse me!  I did not adjourn you!

            Member 1: (At the door) If you need to get in touch with me, I’ll be at the funeral home for my uncle’s wake.  (Exits)

            Chair: Do-nothings!  Time-wasters!  Your pay should all be docked for inserting your life into the work-side of the balance!  (Flings papers into the air)

            Uniform: (Peeks into the doorway and holds up the cooler) Ready?

            Chair: (Slumps into the seat) Nah, I’ve gotta finish revising our emergency procedures by the end of the day – give it to someone who has the time to have it implanted.

Story 314: I Voted, So I Can Complain

            (In a café)

            Friend 2: (Scrolling through phone) Oooh, the results are in!

            Friend 1: (Eating a muffin) Rah-ults uh wha?

           Friend 2: Don’t be gross – the township election results, what else would be going on right now?

           Friend 1: Sorry, thought we were up to Oscar season already.  So, which crooks are in office now?

             Friend 2: Ha-ha, at least most of them try to do some good.

            Friend 1: Of course they do.  Until the reality of entrenched corruption slaps them in the face and they’re forced to either join up with the villains or die, politically speaking.  Still, we usually get some paved roads and a new playground for the kiddies out of it, so there’s that.

            Friend 2: Whatever; I voted across parties this time and even wrote in a few names, so if they actually all get elected it’ll be interesting to see if anything gets done.  Although, since I did vote, I now have carte blanche to complain when nothing does.

           Friend 1: Really?  I hated all the choices this time around so I didn’t bother voting, but now you’re saying I’m not allowed to complain about it?

            Friend 2: (Stares) You?  Didn’t?  Vote?

            Friend 1: Facts.

            Friend 2: Why not?

            Friend 1: I counter that with “Why?”

          Friend 2: Be-be-because it’s the cornerstone of Democracy, and our ancestors fought for the right to have a say in how our government is run, and you’re just completely disregarding it like it was nothing!

          Friend 1: They fought for the right to have someone else do whatever they feel like when they’re in office, while we get stuck with “Bad” and “Worse” for at least four years or until the next puppet comes along.

            Friend 2: But how can you complain now when you didn’t even vote?

            Friend 1: Very easily: I complain all the time.

         Friend 2: But you willfully chose to have no say!  (Holds up the phone to show the election results) Of the two of us, I should be the only one allowed to complain that we’re stuck with Mayor McDouche, again!

            Friend 1: Ugh, what losers voted her in?

            Friend 2: Well, she may not’ve been if you had voted at all!

          Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) Nah, I might’ve selected her name by accident on the machine `cause it’s familiar.  Those things don’t let you go back and change your vote, even before you hit “Submit,” have you ever noticed that?

         Friend 2: I still can’t believe you of all people did not vote, and then have the unmitigated gall to complain about who was elected.  Only I have that right, do you hear me?!

            Friend 1: Calm down – it’s not against the law to not vote, and I can complain all I want about my fellows.  It’s my American right.

          Friend 2: You keep telling yourself that: if every citizen were like you, when it’s the Senate race next year you might find yourself out of office because no one bothered to show up at the polls!

            Friend 1: Nonsense – if no one voted then I’d just keep my seat forever until someone actually did.  Although, I probably would need to at least vote for myself, but I always feel like that’s a sign of vanity.