Story 266: Corralling the Cub Scouts

            (In a restaurant, there is a gathering of servers)

            Leader: All right gang, eyes on me.  (Several in the group wander off) I said “Eyes on me!”  (They snap to) Now: we have quite a pancake breakfast crowd this morning and they’re all here to donate to a good cause, so we absolutely need to be at the top of our game today.  That means no lollygagging when seating people, no tomfoolery when getting their orders, and no dilly-dallying when clearing their tables.  You with me, people?!  (Blank stares, and one starts to cry)  I am surrounded by amateurs.

            Scoutmaster: (Briskly walks towards the group) Listen up, Tigers, Wolves, Bears, Webelos, and whatnots, it’s showtime!  Remember what we talked about at our last meeting, and go out there and take care of your guests!

            Leader: I’ve just now been giving them a firm but fair pep talk, sir!

            Scoutmaster: That’s great – why don’t you go with your mother and start seating people?

            Leader: Aye-aye!

           (The guests arrive at all sorts of staggered times, even though the event notice clearly stated “8:00 a.m.”)

            Leader: (To a table of two) Are you ready to order?

            Guest 1: Oh yes, I would like the T-bone steak please, heh-heh.

           Leader: I’m sorry, but they only have the pancakes and sides listed on the voucher.

            Guest 1: Oh shucks, heh-heh, guess I’ll have those and a coffee.

            Leader: (To Guest 2) Are you ready to order?

           Guest 2: If there’s only one item on the menu, we don’t really need to order.  (Leader blinks) I’ll have the same.

            Guest 1: Ooh!  Could I also have some milk?

            Leader: Let me check for you.  (Surreptitiously places a “Difficult” sticker on the edge of the table)

            (Later on)

           Leader: (To another Cub Scout) Stop banging those mugs together, they’ll break!  (To another) Did you seat those people hovering around the door yet?

            Cub Scout 1: Uh.....

            Leader: Never mind!  I’ll do it!  (On the way to the front of the restaurant, grabs another Cub Scout’s tie) You!  Have you been clearing tables as people finish?

            Cub Scout 2: Uh….

           Leader: Because there are one-two-three-four-all the tables as far the eye can see filled with empty plates and empty glasses!  Now get a move on!  (Releases the tie and approaches the family standing by the front door) Hello – three?

            Guest 3: Yes, please.

            Leader: Follow me, please.  (Leads them to an empty booth) Please have a seat.

            Guest 4: He’s so cute!  What is he, 8 going on 40?

            Leader: (After they are settled) Are you ready to order now?

            Guest 5: Why yes, I’d like a mimosa.  (The three chuckle)

         Leader: Sorry, we are not serving alcohol at this event – just orange juice, coffee, and apparently milk on request.

            Guest 3: We’ll all have orange juice, please

          Guest 4: Yes, and pancakes too, if it’s not too much trouble.  (Winks exaggeratedly)

            Leader: It’s not – pancakes are the only item on the menu anyway.  (Hustles out the orders to them with several assistants) Here you go!  Anything else?

            Guest 5: Just the check, please.  (The three chuckle again)

          Leader: You actually already paid; may I have the vouchers?  (The three hand them over) Thank you – have a great day! 

Guest 4: He’s so cute!

(Leader conducts a sweep of the area and spins in a circle seeing the dirty place settings all over several tables)

Leader: What is this madness?!

        Assistant Cubmaster: Honey, why don’t you sit down for a few minutes and have some breakfast?

            Leader: But Mom, I am the only one supervising 20 tables and they’re all covered in absolute filth!  I can’t work under these conditions, I just can’t!

            Scoutmaster: Hey everyone, Santa Claus is here!

            Leader: The man himself!  (Joins the rush to see The Right Jolly Old Elf)

            (After the initial scrum has subsided)

           Leader: Oh no, I’ve completely lost track of my tables!  (Runs to each) Do you need to order?!  Do you need to order?!  Do you need to – ?!

            Guest 6: We’re actually the pre-lunch crowd, kid; I think your event’s wrapping up.

          Leader: What?!  Our guests left without completing the surveys I gave them to rate their experience?!

            Guest 6: I see management in your future.

Story 255: A Vacation Can Never Truly Be Washed Out

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Hi, what’s up?

           Friend 2: Hey, I’ve been looking at the weather for next week where we’ll be staying, and it’s supposed to rain.  A lot.

           Friend 1: So?  It’s a week away; it’ll change.

         Friend 2: Actually, this’ll be from the storm that’s coming up the coast, so everybody’s pretty certain it’s going to rain where and when they say it will.

            Friend 1: So?

            Friend 2: So… we’re going to a shore town…?

            Friend 1: What’s your point?

           Friend 2: If it’s raining the whole time we’re there, we’ll be washed out of everything!

            Friend 1: It’s just rain; we won’t melt.  Besides, places like that always have rainy day stuff.

            Friend 2: Rainy day, not rainy week!  I don’t know; I think we may need to cancel.

          Friend 1: Listen: I have been looking forward to this trip for almost a year, work is literally Hell right now, and I put off buying a new car even as mine is dying a painful death to save up for this, so we are not cancelling.

            Friend 2: Well, we got trip insurance in case something like this happened, and we can always reschedule it –

            Friend 1: WE ARE NOT CANCELLING.

THE NEXT WEEK

             (On arrival at the shore town)

            Friend 2: So, the reports say this rain will continue non-stop all week.  As in non-stop.  All week.

            Friend 1: (Tilts head up at the rainy sky) Ah, so refreshing after the 100° weather this past month.  I’m going to the beach.

            (Sets up umbrella, chair, and cooler on the lake-ridden sand, then heads out towards the seven-foot-high waves)

            Friend 2: (Wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, yells from the shore to be heard over the wind) There’re no lifeguards here to save you!  And red flags are everywhere!  At least the ones that haven’t been ripped away by the gale-force winds!

            Friend 1: (Runs over a red flag) I know what I’m getting myself into!  (Dives into the waves, then turns around to face Friend 2, struggling to stay above water) Whee!  Nice and warm!  (Is nearly slammed into the rocks by a rip tide)

            (At a restaurant)

            Server: Hello!  Table for two?

            Friend 2: Please.

            Friend 1: Yes, could we actually have one of those outdoor tables?

            Server: Oh, we didn’t open that area tonight, due to the weather.

            Friend 1: That’s OK – we’ll be under the umbrella.

            Friend 2: [Sighs]

            (After they are seated)

            Friend 1: (Holds tightly onto the menu, as the restaurant’s deck is now a wind tunnel) I always have to eat outside in the summer: that’s the whole point of eating out in the summer, right?

            Friend 2: (Hugging self against the chill) Mm-hm.  (To Server, who is wearing a rain poncho) Could I have a bourbon and a hot toddy, please?

            Friend 1: Ooh, and can I have the kiddie lemonade that comes with the souvenir cup?

            Server: Whatever you like.  (Leaves to fill orders)

         Friend 1: (Grinning) I love novelty drinks, don’t you? (A sudden rush of water from the umbrella splashes onto Friend 1’s head; the grin remains)

            Friend 2: Mm-hm.

            (At Hole 15 on a miniature golf course)

            Friend 2: (Holding an umbrella and shivering) You know, there are a bunch of indoor courses on the boardwalk.

            Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?  (Putts to the hole; the ball floats in the water that has filled it) That still counts!

            (At a park)

            Friend 1: (Splashes through puddles to bring over a tandem bicycle) Look what I found!  And it was super-cheap to rent: the guy gave me a discount because I was his only customer!

            Friend 2: Imagine that – listen, I’m going to the movie theater, and then I’m going to get some pizza, and then I’m going to bed.

            Friend 1: But you could do all that boring stuff at home!  Here you can tandem bike!  (Rings the bell)

            Friend 2: Not in an unending shower, I won’t.  (Leaves)

            Friend 1: You don’t know what you’re missing!  (Mounts the bike and slowly pedals, every so often splashed by the passing cars on the street) Yessir, this is the life!