Story 491: Bookstore Pick-Up

(In a bookstore, Customer 1 stands facing a display table, slowly leafing through a sci-fi hardcover.  Customer 2 casually strolls by, casually makes a wide turn, casually picks up a hardcover from the opposite side of the table, and casually leafs through it as well.  Customer 1’s eyes briefly flick up at Customer 2 and then lower back to the book; Customer 2 leafs through a few more pages, then glances up at the title in Customer 1’s hands)

Customer 2: Oh!  (Gestures with the book at Customer 1’s book when the latter looks up) I heard that’s a good one.  (Smiles broadly)

Customer 1: (Neutrally) Really.

Customer 2: Yeah, it’s been getting great reviews; I’ve been thinking about reading it myself.

Customer 1: (Nods) Good to know.  (Returns to leafing)

Customer 2: (Slowly walks around the table to Customer 1’s side, still holding the book open) Sooooo… do you read often?

Customer 1: (Looks up again, barely disguising a smirk) A lot of people do, yes.

Customer 2: Heh, what I mean is, do you… (Looks up to think) read here often?... Come here often… to read?... Buy books here… to read them at home… often?

Customer 1: (Slowly puts the book back onto its pile and straightens it) Are you seriously trying to pick up someone at a bookstore?

Customer 2: (Laughs loudly for a bit, then starts fiddling with the book jacket) I thought a change in venue and clientele would increase the probability of success, yes.

Customer 1: (Nods again) And here I was, thinking I’m the only one with that idea.

Customer 2: (Stares) Really?

Customer 1: Oh yeah, been doing it for ages; definitely at lot safer than a bar.

Customer 2: That’s what I was thinking!  I mean, what’s the worst these nerds could do, am-I-right?  (An elderly couple passing by glare at Customer 2, who whispers at them) No offense.

Customer 1: Well, you still need to be careful.

Customer 2: Of course.

Customer 1: A lot of weirdos actually do come in here, and sometimes you can’t tell right away who’s just passionate about entertainment and whose life is consumed by fandom.

Customer 2: Don’t I know it.

Customer 1: …Wanna tag along?

Customer 2: Yes please.

(After neatly returning the other book to its correct pile, the two casually stroll through the semi-busy store, heads on a constant, unobtrusive swivel)

Customer 1: (Stops and turns to whisper to Customer 2) OK, see that one browsing off to the left there?

Customer 2: (Tries not to look directly at the object of their discussion and whispers back) Yeah?

Customer 1: I’m goin’ in.

Customer 2: Wait a second: here?!

Customer 1: Yeah, why not?

Customer 2: Because, in case you haven’t noticed the ginormous signs all over the place, we are now in the Children’s section!

Customer 1: (Laughs softly, still whispering) This isn’t the Children’s section; it’s the Teen section.

Customer 2: That’s not better!  And I can’t tell from here – what if that one is a teen; we’re literally decades older, we could go to jail!

Customer 1: (Sighs) You need to have your eyes checked: that’s clearly an adult who has eclectic and discerning tastes in all types of literature regardless of the intended audience, and I’m goin’ in.  Watch and learn.

Customer 2: (Moves to stand behind a support pillar) I’ll watch and learn from here as you walk into an obvious sting operation.

Customer 1: (Glares smilingly at Customer 2, then casually strolls past Customer 3 who has taken a book off the shelf and is reading the back cover) Oh!  (Points to the book as Customer 3 looks up) I heard that’s a good one. 

Customer 2: (Grimaces softly) Ugh!

Customer 3: (To Customer 1) Yeah, I’ve been seeing ads for it everywhere; wanted to know what’s all the fuss about.

Customer 1: I know, right?  (Leans an elbow on the bookshelf while facing Customer 3) Word is, if this one does well, the author’ll write a sequel.  Obviously; who doesn’t nowadays?  Everything’s a franchise.

Customer 3: (Laughs) You’re tellin’ me.

Customer 1: (Also laughs) Definitely… So, I’m – (Is cut off by the piercing scream of an infant)

Customer 4: (Rounds a nearby corner, appearing disheveled while pushing a stroller with the crying baby and carrying a whimpering toddler; to Customer 3) Didn’t you hear me calling you?!  It took me 10 minutes to get these two out of the bathroom – what’re you doing all the way over here?!

Customer 3: (Takes the toddler from Customer 4 as Customer 1 makes a hasty retreat) Sorry babe – got distracted.

Customer 4: I wish I had that luxury!  (Sees the book that Customer 3 is holding) Well, if you’re buying that, just add it to the pile.  (Points to a basket hanging underneath the stroller and overflowing with board books and plush toys)

Customer 3: (Puts the book back on the shelf) Nah, not interested.  (To the toddler as the four of them make their way noisily to the front cash registers) Hey bub, what would you like read tonight, huh?

Customer 1: (Trots over to Customer 2, who is stifling giggles) Not a word – let’s go.

(They continue their circuit through the store, navigating around customers and carts of products to be shelved)

Customer 2: (Stops and whispers to Customer 1) Ooh, how about that employee shelving board games over there?  Seems nice.

Customer 1: (Whispers back) “Nice” meaning “hot”?

Customer 2: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Customer 1: (Shakes head) Nope; no, employees are off-limits.

Customer 2: What?  Why?

Customer 1: Think about it: there’s already a power imbalance since they’re being paid to serve the customers, so they’ll say anything to keep you happy, and also to go away.

Customer 2: (Falsely humble) Well, I don’t know about you, but I may have had a few promising encounters with staff members in the past.

Customer 1: At places like this?

Customer 2: …No.

Customer 1: Yeah.  No employees.  (Looks around and subtly gestures at a customer in the magazine section) OK, that one browsing through Crafts and Hobbies – seems stable enough.

Customer 2: Eh, I suppose.

Customer 1: Wanna try tag teaming this time?

Customer 2: Considering you have yet to successfully pick up someone here tonight… yes. 

(Customer 1 smothers laughter as they walk over to that section; each grabs a magazine to browse as they slowly move closer to Customer 5 in a pincer movement)

Customer 1: (Unobtrusively leans over to see the type of magazine Customer 5 is reading) Oh, excuse me?

Customer 5: (Looks up at Customer 1) Yes?

Customer 1: Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit – (Nods at the magazine) is that a good magazine to start with?

Customer 5: Oh yes, it’s pretty informative.  (Intensely) If you want, I can teach you everything I know.

Customer 1: (Blinks a few times) Sorry, what?

Customer 5: I knit anything and everything – all I do is knit-knit-knit.  I’ve been searching the world over for a protégé to whom I can pass my knowledge – at last, my search has ended.

Customer 1: (Unaware of dropping the magazine onto the floor) Ummmm….

Customer 5: (Grabs Customer 1’s hand) Join me, and we will create a new world, one of peace, and joy, and – !

Customer 2: (Has put back the magazine and slips around Customer 5 to take Customer 1 by the waist) Babe, come on, you know people don’t like it when you talk to them!  (To Customer 5 as they walk away) Sorry, so annoying.

Customer 5: (To their backs as they exit the store) Make sure you subscribe to my channel, “Knit or Not” – it’ll change your life!

(In the parking lot, Customer 1 and Customer 2 separate and stop under a lamppost)

Customer 1: Thank you – that was certainly unexpected.

Customer 2: Sure; guess you just never know what kinds of weirdos you’re gonna meet in places like this.

Customer 1: That indeed.

Customer 2: Well, this was certainly enlightening.  I now know exactly what not to do when trying to pick up a stranger so, you know, thanks for that.

Customer 1: You’re welcome…. So, ever want another lesson?

Customer 2: Heh-heh, you’re hilarious.  Don’t get me wrong, although this wound up being the most enjoyable evening I’ve had in a long time, I seriously doubt the effectiveness of your methods.

Customer 1: Really.

Customer 2: I do, yes.

Customer 1: Worked on you, didn’t they?

Customer 2: (Laughs in disbelief) …No, no, I saw you first; I picked you up.  Tried to, anyway.

Customer 1: Yeeeaaahh, I saw you come into the store about five minutes earlier.  Thought you looked nice, so I... placed myself in your mostly likely path, and I waited.

Customer 2: (Eyes widen in realization) Honey pot?!  That’s the honey pot trap!

Customer 1: (Laughing) Well, I wasn’t out for any state secrets you’re hiding, but basically yeah.

Customer 2: You… sly… trickster!  I take back everything I said earlier: you’re really good.

Customer 1: Why thank you.  (Does a little curtsy)

Customer 2: So, seeing as we both got what we originally were aiming for tonight, how about we celebrate with dessert at the café around the corner?

Customer 1: Sounds great.  (They walk toward their respective cars) Keep in mind: jury’s still out on whether you’re one of the weirdos I have to worry about, though.

Customer 2: Same.

Story 484: Get Me to the Plane on Time

 (In a mega airport, Passenger 1 and Passenger 2 stand on the serpentine security line that spans two wings of the terminal)

Passenger 1: (Constantly leaning to each side to look ahead as the line slightly shuffles forward every 30 seconds) Oooh, it’s barely moving, and I think the section ahead of us has gotten longer!

Passenger 2: (Watching a heartwarming kitten video on a phone, not looking up) Relax: long as it’s moving.  (Still watches the video as everyone advances 5 inches)

Passenger 1: Barely!  (Checks watch) We’ll be lucky if we make it to our gate before the plane takes off, and we got here three hours ago!

Passenger 2: No big deal – they all know the line here is extra-long, they’ll hold the plane.

Passenger 1: No they won’t!  They’ll just tell us we should’ve gotten here last night!  (Sees an airport security officer pulling the retractable belt from one nearby stanchion to another, extending the line they are one just as they were about to make the next turn closer to the checkpoint, and points at the belt in accusation) See?!  See?!  We just got an hour added to our wait time!

Passenger 2: (Chuckling at the cute video) Heh-heh-heh – what?  (Finally looks up and sees the newly extended line) Eh; it happens.  (Returns to the video and blocks out the world again)

Passenger 1: That tears it!  (Leans over the line’s retractable belt a bit and holds out a boarding pass to get the attention of a passing employee) Excuse me, hard-working worker?

Security Officer 1: (Stops) You have five seconds to state your case.

Passenger 1: We’ve been on this never-ending line for hours and our plane leaves in less than 30 minutes.

Security Officer 1: (Peers at the boarding pass) Yeah, that’s pretty much the theme of the millennium.

Passenger 1: I normally don’t like to make a fuss –

Passenger 2: (Back to not looking up) Sure you do.

Passenger 1: – but as you can see, we probably won’t be through this line until at least tomorrow, and there’s a slight chance the plane won’t still be here by then.

Security Officer 1: Gotcha.  (Lifts up one side of the belt for the two to pass through) Follow me, please.

Everyone Else on Line: HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Security Officer 1: They’ve served their time!

Everyone Else on Line: Grumble – mutter – rhubarb –

(Security Officer 1 guides Passenger 1 and Passenger 2 to the checkpoint where they show their IDs and deposit their carry-on bags, shoes, jackets, and phones onto the conveyor belt for the luggage scanner as they walk through the body scanners)

Security Officer 2: (To Passenger 1 as the body scanner goes off) Step over here, please.

Passenger 1: (Still holding hands above head) What?!  What?!

Security Officer 2: Pardon me?

Passenger 1: (Whispers) I meant, “What?”

Security Officer 2: Have to do a brief pat-down of your left leg that set off the scanner.

Passenger 1: We all know that I moved too early and the thing’s super-sensitive!

Security Officer 2: You want this to turn into a body cavity search?  `Cause I don’t.

Passenger 1: Please proceed with your original plan.

Security Officer 2: (After a brief pat-down of the left leg) All good, thank you, get out of here.

Passenger 1: (Quickly trots away) Thank you for keeping us all safe!  (Reaches the conveyor belt and suddenly stops, staring at the end where everyone’s belongings appear) Where are my shoes?

Security Officer 3: (Holds up a messenger bag) This your bag?

Passenger 1: Yessss….

Security Officer 3: I have to search it since the scanner couldn’t see through to what you have in here.

Passenger 1: For the love of – please proceed.

Security Officer 3: (Opens the bag and uses a stick to move items around) Looks all right, but your wallet was blocking everything else – you have a lot of change in there?

Passenger 1: (Grabs shoes and starts putting them on) Yes, I have 97¢ in pennies.

Security Officer 3: Seriously?

Passenger 1: Everyone wants exact change!

Security Officer 3: (Hands back the bag) Not in pennies – enjoy your flight.

Passenger 1: (Takes the bag and puts on jacket) No one ever does!  But thanks.  (Finds Passenger 2 sitting on a nearby bench, still watching kitten videos) And where were you this whole time?!

Passenger 2: Here.  The employee who helped us earlier said we can catch a shuttle bus outside that’ll take us to the gate in… (Checks watch) less than five minutes.

Passenger 1: (Also checks watch) Probably’ll get there in time to see the plane take off, but let’s go!

(They follow signs for the exit to the intra-airport shuttle bus; once outside, they descend a staircase to the tarmac and join a group of passengers waiting)

Passenger 1: (To one of the group) You waiting for the bus to Gate 1,372?

Passenger 3: Yeah, but I’m heading for Gate 954 – should drop us off somewhere near both.

Passenger 1: (Starts bouncing lightly on feet while peering in the distance for the bus) We’re not gonna make it in time….

Passenger 3: I wouldn’t worry; flights are always delayed.

Passenger 1: And yet the door’ll be slammed shut right on time!  Maybe.

Passenger 3: We should be in luck – I heard the employee on the bus used to be a race car driver.

Passenger 1: Huh?

(The group turns as one as a squeal of tires announces an accordion bus wildly rounding the corner and skidding to a screeching halt in front of them)

Bus Driver: (After the door opens) No time to waste; get-in-get-in-get-in!

Passenger 4: (In a wheelchair) Excuse me, do you have – ?

Bus Driver: Yes!  (Already had started the mechanism for the wheelchair lift to descend; squeezes past the boarding passengers to exit the bus, grabs the wheelchair, hauls Passenger 4 onto the lift, runs back into the bus, and retracts the lift so Passenger 4 can board)

Passenger 4: (Wheels to an open space in the seating area) How… efficient.

Bus Driver: (After the last passenger has boarded) Everyone in? 

Passengers: Yes.

Bus Driver: (Flings the door shut) Right – AND AWAY WE GO!  (Floors it)

Child Passengers: YAYYYYY!!!!!!

Adult Passengers: AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Passenger 1: (Looking green) No fair; I’m not supposed to feel airsick before the flight!

Passenger 2: (Holds onto a railing with one hand and the phone with the other) All part of the adventure, I guess.

(The bus screeches through twists and turns, avoiding planes and ground crew with inches to spare, then slams to a halt several minutes later)

Bus Driver: (Opens the door and prepares the wheelchair lift) This is your stop – off you go!

Passenger 1: (On the way out) Do you know how close we are to Gate 1,3 –

Bus Driver: All I know is the road – OUT! (Passenger 1 runs down the steps) Got another bunch of sad sacks waiting for me at the next stop; it never ends!  (Retracts the lift after Passenger 4 disembarks, closes the door, and screeches and bounces away down the tarmac)

Passenger 1: (Catches up to Passenger 2 on a staircase leading back into the airport) Great – now what?

Passenger 2: Follow everyone else back inside and find signs for the gates.

Passenger 1: Oh yeah.  (They re-enter the terminal and find signs for the gates)  Yes!  (Points to the corresponding sign) It’s right down this hallway!  (Begins to run past the pop-up stores and food stands)

Passenger 2: (Walking with the phone ahead) Sweet.

(They reach the end of the hallway)

Passenger 1: (Starts spinning in a circle) Gate 1,371… Gate 1,373… Where’s 1,372?!

Passenger 2: Maybe it’s invisible.

Passenger 1: (Stares) If you don’t start helping me look in about two seconds, I, a full-grown adult, will sit down right here on this semi-dirty floor and start crying like a baby, I swear.

Passenger 2: (Looks up briefly and gestures with the phone) Sign says it’s downstairs.

Passenger 1: (Turns around to see the sign, then turns back) Well that’s just nonsensical gate placement.  (They run down the escalator, pass the empty seats in the waiting area, and arrive at the boarding desk)

Passenger 1: (Holds out the boarding pass, which is extremely rumpled now) Hello, yes, we’re here with – (Checks watch) one minute to spare, so you must let us on board.  Every single employee in this building can tell you the tremendous lines we’ve had to deal with – not that I’m complaining.

Gate Agent: Didn’t you hear the announcements?  Flight’s been cancelled, but I can help you book a new flight for tomorrow.

Passenger 2: (Without looking up) Heh-heh-heh.

Gate Agent: I also can help book a hotel for you to stay tonight.

Passenger 1: …That’s OK, we’ll wait right here.