(Phone
rings)
Alum:
Hello?
Student:
Hello, is this ---------- ----?
Alum:
No-no-no, first you say who you are, then I decide whether I want
to disclose my identity or rudely hang up.
Student:
I’m actually a current student at ------ University, and we’ve been reaching
out to alumni to share all the amazing news and exciting events that are
happening –
Alum:
Let me stop you right there: yes, I am ---------- ----, and no, I do not feel
like giving any money to that school this year.
Student:
Oh, this is just a call to give you an update on all the happenings on campus
since you graduated.
Alum:
I bet it is.
Student:
First, our football team won –
Alum:
I hate those jocks. (Mumbles) Never let me
on the team.
Student:
OK: our Theater Department –
Alum:
I hate those geeks. (Mumbles) Never cast
me in anything.
Student:
Well, I see that you had attended the University’s School of Science, so you’ll
be pleased to hear that it has been awarded the ------ Grant for the second
year in a row, and on top of that, the School’s recent affiliation with NASA
will soon make it possible to send our very own students into space.
Alum:
I’m sure they’re all beside themselves with nerdy joy.
Student:
So, these and other significant accomplishments only continue to add value to
your degree.
Alum:
Now you’re having a laugh.
Student:
Along with your own accomplishments in your field, both you and the school
mutually benefit.
Alum:
Well, I suppose I have been a bit lax in updating my, er, status with you guys,
even though your mail still manages to find me no matter how many times I
change my address, but let me cut this off at the knees by officially notifying
you now that I never did get a job in my field thanks to a multitude of
factors, and I’d rather not relive that fiasco at the moment.
Student:
But your degree will always –
Alum:
Decorate my wall. Let me give you some
advice before you stumble into the same string of failures that I did: if you
want to have a modicum of success and actually be somewhat happy while making
enough money to survive relatively debt-free, you have to A) Work ridiculously
above and beyond anything you’re ever told to do, even so far as inventing
projects for yourself and never sleeping, B) Know everyone, C) Be extremely
smart, D) Be extremely lucky, or E) Already be rich – preferably a combination
of all of these.
Student:
Since you value the education and experience ------ University has given you,
can I put you down for a gift this year?
You also have the option to bequeath any monies left behind upon your death.
Alum:
There actually may be some hope for you, kid.
All right, put me down for student scholarships if you are on any, just
because I admire someone who doesn’t know how to quit.
Student:
Thank you for your support. In the
spirit of the season, would you like to double or triple the amount you have given
in past years?
Alum:
Don’t push it.
