Story 253: Life-Size Miniature Golf Course

            The four tourists arrived at their destination.

            “Here we are, folks!” Tourist 1, their leader by unspoken agreement, announced as they stood at the main entrance.  “The world’s first, and currently only, Life-Size Miniature Golf Course!  Isn’t it a thing of beauty?”

            They surveyed the acres of windmills, fields configured as pinball machines, unnatural sand, unnatural lakes, and waterfalls – so many waterfalls.

            “Is it 18 holes like in a real golf course?” Tourist 2 asked.

            “Well yeah, mini-golf has 18 holes, too.”

            “Oh, right.”

            “Can we move the ball away from the wall a bit if we hit it too close?” Tourist 3 asked.

           “There aren’t any walls here, and there’re no stroke limits, either,” Tourist 1 said.  “Wherever the ball lands, you have to hit it from there no matter what.”

            “Aw man, that’ll take forever,” Tourist 3 pointed out.

            “We’re in the big leagues now, people; no more fooling around!”

             Tourist 4 chimed in: “If it’s ‘Life-Size,’ why is it still called ‘Miniature?’”

            “ALL RIGHT WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?!”

            They picked up their neon-colored balls and adult-sized putters, along with the score card and a dinky pencil, and began their trek to Hole 1.  Ten minutes later, Tourist 2 swung by with a golf cart to carry all their stuff the rest of the way.

            Upon arrival, Tourist 4 lined up the shot and then stared at the club: “I dunno, I don’t think these things are going to hit the ball far enough to reach the hole.”

            “Just do your best,” Tourist 1 said.  The four amateurs already were sweating profusely in the summer sun, and it was getting gross.

            Tourist 4 drove the ball mightily, which then landed halfway to the ramp that eventually dropped off to the hole.

            “Yeah, this is gonna take forever,” Tourist 2 said, driving over to the Tiki Bar stationed at Hole 3.

            Hole 5 featured a windmill, but there was no tunnel through the bottom to drive the ball through: this was an actual working windmill, grain and all.

            Tourist 3 was having difficulties getting the ball out of it.

           “Did you find it yet?” Tourist 1 shouted up to the second floor; the other two players were settled on a dune having a picnic lunch.

            “I think so,” Tourist 3’s voice carried from inside.  “I think – nope, no, just another mouse.  Ah!  Here it is!”  [Whack!]  “Hit the wall again!  But I should have it out in another 15 strokes – 20, tops!”  [Whack!  Whack!  Whack!]

            A foursome approached their group. 

“Hi, you guys mind if we play through?” their unspoken-agreement leader asked.

“Not at all!” Tourist 1 said, stepping aside.  “I see you’re using woods and irons?”

“Oh yeah,” the leader said, teeing up the shot.  “This course is too big to use just putters; it’d take all day, and that's if you started early.  You do know most of this stuff is from the mini-golf course that closed down last year, right?  They merged with this course so the country club could stay open.”

“…Oh.”

Two hours later, they had moved on to Hole 6.

“Right,” Tourist 1 said, using the putter to put on the appearance of measuring the distance from the tee to the hole that was half a mile away.  “This is a tricky one, and we’re not even at the halfway point of the course yet.”

“Arrrrrggggghhhh….”  Tourist 2 slumped in the golf cart.

Tourist 1 peered into the distance: “We’ve got a dogleg around that apple orchard and then have to simultaneously avoid the sand trap, the water hazard, and the silverback gorilla that is taking up the rest of the fairway.  I see that the designers of this course are optimistic about our chances, though: the scorecard lists this hole as a Par 3.”

“Ha!”  Tourist 4 barked from up a tree.  “More like Par 30!”

Tourist 1 set the ball on the tee, calculated the angles, tested the wind sheer, and hit the ball into the water.

Tourist 2 drove over to the spot: “It’s floating!  You’ve gotta play it from here!”

“Rats,” Tourist 1 muttered.  “Now I’ll never avoid the gorilla.”

The gorilla’s speakers roared in agreement.

On Hole 13, Tourist 1 suddenly noticed that Tourists 3 and 4 had disappeared.

“Oh yeah, they went back to the clubhouse for ice cream about an hour ago,” Tourist 2 said while stretched out in the back of the golf cart.

“What?!  How could they?!  When could they?!”

“It was either while you were trying to get over that last mini-mountain or while you kept knocking the ball off the pinwheels – nope, scratch that, they left while you were going through the clown maze.  That one kind of freaked them out, plus the ball kept getting shot back to the tee so I think that might have been the last straw.”

“I see.”

           Finally arriving at Hole 18, Tourist 1 and Tourist 2 faced a double hole where the first actually was a tunnel that led 10 yards away to the final destination.

            “At last!”  Tourist 1 shrieked, parched of throat and burnt of skin.  “The end is in our grasp!”

            Tourist 2 settled down for another nap: “Um-hm.”

            In order to reach the tunnel, Tourist 1 did battle through thickets, prancing dolphins, another windmill (although painted brighter), Niagara Falls-style rapids, and random rough, reaching the double hole in just under 50 strokes.

            Tourist 1 lined up the shot carefully, tapped the ball, and watched in shock as it received an assist from the sloped ground to land directly into the final hole.

            “It’s done?  It’s done!  Victory, ahahahahaha!”

            Tourist 1 collapsed onto the ground, feebly waving the putter in triumph.

            Tourist 2 stirred briefly: “Hm – yaaaayyyy – snoooorrrreeee….”

            One of the course owners was observing from a distance.

            “Huh, no one’s ever finished the whole thing with just putters before.  Better not let them find out those are being replaced with actual golf clubs tomorrow.”

Story 252: Kayaking as a Compatibility Test

            Host: Welcome, friends, to today’s installment of Are You Meant for Each Other, or Is This All Just a Waste of Time?  The premise is simple: sure, you two have fun going to the bar; you have a ball at the multiplex; you feel the magic in the air at the local rave; but, do you have what it takes for the long haul in the unforgiving decathlon that is called “Life”?  In previous episodes, we have tossed couples into the jaws of every conceivable trial that involves some form of teamwork: we have had them mountain climbing; we have had them tandem biking; we have had them selling solar panel installations door-to-door; this time, my friends, we have three couples whose compatibility, physical endurance, and ability to follow directions will be put to the ultimate test as they embark upon: tandem kayaking in gentle waters.

            Tour Guide: (In a solo kayak, at rest in a creek surrounded by marshland) During the summer, I take tourists out to see the osprey nests and the overgrown railroad tracks and all the docked yachts nobody can afford; most of them go in solo kayaks `cause it’s, you know, easier.  This should be interesting.  (Leads the three couples in their tandem kayaks away from the dock and into the creek)

            Host: (Standing at the edge of the dock) And they’re off, happy as the clams you find in out in the bay, each secure in the knowledge of their love and the sense of their own physical fitness.

            Tour Guide: (To the three couples) So first, I’m going to take all y’all through the creek and give you a few nature lessons that are sorely needed.  (Couple 1 begin turning too far to the left) Just stick your paddle in the water and push forward like I showed you earlier.  (The paddle is dropped into the water)

            Host: (Standing on a paddle board) There you have it: already there appears to be trouble in paradise as the rear paddler attempts to whack the front paddler upside the head and also drops their paddle into the drink.  Fortunately for our budget, the water here has a depth of 5 feet.

            (Couple 2 crash into the Tour Guide’s kayak)

            Host: And there it is, our first collision – thankfully, all participants remain inside their vessels and the drenching is mild.  Up ahead, Couple 3 appear to be doing extremely well with excellent form, nice synchronous movements – it is almost as if they are in the disgusting mushy stage of the relationship where they practically read other’s thoughts.  Let’s throw a few obstacles at them, shall we?

            (Couple 3 smoothly round a bend and come upon a swarm of paddle boarders, other random kayakers, and a few inner-tubers)

            Host: Here we are, folks, our first true test of this promising couple’s future.  Will they be able to navigate around these thoughtless faux surfers, aqua adventurers, and extreme yoga enthusiasts, and emerge at the other side still able to speak to one another, or will they simply knock over all these clowns?

            (Couple 3 swing to the far right to go around the group and accidentally beach themselves on the marsh grass)

            Host: Oh no, and they were doing so well!  Plus now there’ll probably be a fine for marsh damage!  Let’s see if the cracks in the immaculate foundation of this previously contended crew have begun.  (Hops from the paddle board to a motorboat and putters over to them)  As we approach cautiously, we should be able to hear which one blames the other for this metaphorical catastrophe.

            (As the Host arrives, it is seen that Couple 3 are looking at the tiny crabs that had emerged from the disturbed marsh)

            Host: Hm, they appear to be appreciating this unexpected detour.  (Couple 3 laugh, then use the paddles to free themselves from the mud and continue on their way) And they have resumed their journey, in these waters and in their lives.  Now they’ve become uninteresting, let’s check in on how the others are doing, hm?

            (Motors back a bit and sees that Couple 1 are zigzagging their way through the creek as they overcompensate on each attempt to keep the kayak straight)

            Host: Progress is progress, I suppose.

            (Couple 2 have crashed through the other groups of water tourists, capsizing them and yelling at each other)

            Host: Oh dear.  (To someone off-camera) Does our insurance cover something like this?

            Tour Guide: (To all three Couples) All right, if you guys want you can follow me out into the harbor for the last half-hour of the tour.

            (Without a word to each other, Couple 1 jump out of their kayak, pick it up, and carry it over their heads back to the dock by walking through the shallow creek)

            Host: I suppose having the same idea counts for something.

            (Couple 2 stop dead in the water to argue for the rest of the show)

            Host: Seems about right.

            (Couple 3 continue paddling gracefully through the harbor, enjoying the scenery and not overtaxing themselves as they complete the tour)

            Host: Ah, there they go, as beautifully as a song.  I think these kids’ll make it.  (Turns back to the camera) Well, that’s all for today’s episode of AYMFEO,OITAJAWOT?  Thank you for joining us; please tune in next week when we take three new couples out on a HALO jump.  Until then, please enjoy the credits as we tow Couple 2 back to the dock and search for Couple 1, who seem to have made off with the gear.