Story 115: New Year?

            “I can’t wait for the New Year to begin and this one to finally end,” she said as she sat at the bar.  “I have so many resolutions that I want to see if I’m able to keep them this year.”

            “Hm,” the man sitting next to her said.  “You know, in some religions and cultures, the New Year already happened, so you missed it.”

            “What?!”

          “Well, if you celebrate Samhain in the northern hemisphere, New Year was back on Halloween.  You’re two months late – way to go.”

            “Yeah, I’m not an ancient Druid, so I think I’m OK.”

            “It’s not just ancient Druids who celebrate – ”

            “And eating all that candy would have totally ruined my resolution to lose 100 lbs. in a day.”

            “That’s physically impossible.  You know, if you were Hindu, Diwali’s been and gone twice now in October and November, depending on what region you’re in.  You’ve lost multiple opportunities at this rate.”

            “Was that what all those lights I saw were about?  When did they have the ball drop?”

            “…You know, you also missed the Islamic New Year on the first day of Muharram back in October, and the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah, also back in October.  October was a really happening month this year.”

            “No, no, no!  How can the Georgian calendar be so far behind everyone else’s?  How can we be missing what the Earth is clearly telling us is happening all the time?!”

            “Very easily in your case.  But don’t worry: the next Chinese New Year isn’t until February, so you can wait until then if you want to really take your time doing any resolving.”

            “That’s two months too late!  That’s as bad as me missing Samhain!”

            “I thought you weren’t an ancient Druid.”

            “What did I know?!  All I know for sure is that all my resolutions have failed before they’ve even begun!”

            “Here, have a drink, you’ll feel better.”

            “That was one of my resolutions not to do anymore!”

            …3…2…1…Happy New Year!

            “OK, you can start them now if you want.”

            “It’s already been New Year’s for hours everywhere else in the world east of here!”

            “Well, this has been fun, but I’ve gotta head out now.”

            “Wait!  Don’t you want to keep celebrating whichever New Year this is?”

            “Lady, my cab’s here, and you need to find some real friends and go home.”

            “I can’t leave yet, I’m the bartender!”