Story 489: Time-Limited Binge Watch

DAY 1

 (Friend 1 sits on the living room couch with an open laptop, navigating through a streaming service when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Sees the caller’s name and answers) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Not much; just checking if you want to meet up for lunch at the café this Saturday?

Friend 1: Sure, let me consult my schedule.... (Leans back over the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen) Yep, still nothin’ – 12:30 good for you?

Friend 2: Fine for me, thanks.  Whatcha up to now?

Friend 1: Oh, finally gonna start watching that show you recommended, you know, that sci-fi/drama/mystery/sit-com everyone was into 20-something years ago – so glad it ended back then so I don’t have to wait an entire week and skip through summers anticipating the next installment.

Friend 2: Yeah, we’re so spoiled now that entire series are on streaming services and can watch them all at once.  You’ll definitely remember more of what happened at the beginning of the show by the time you get to the end, though.  You know, the audience was in agony for four months after the Season 8 cliffhanger finale?

Friend 1: I’d heard about that at the time, and thankful I didn’t have to participate; it sounded exhausting.

Friend 2: Well, regardless whether you viewed that episode real-time or way after the fact: chills, I tell you, chills.  Oh, and Season 2 is pretty rough, but once you get past it the rest of the series is fine.

Friend 1: Noted.  (Types the show’s name into the search box) At least now I’ll finally get to experience what all the fuss was about – (Eyes wide in horror when results appear on the screen) <GAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!>

Friend 2: What – what happened?!  Are you having a heart attack?!  Should I call 911?!  Answer me!!

Friend 1: I’m just… bewildered – taken aback – no, no, I think “horrified” is more appropriate for this situation.

Friend 2: Are you having a stroke, then?

Friend 1: No, get off that kick: when I bring up the show it has a note saying that it’s leaving the streaming service in five days!

Friend 2: Oh.  Seriously, that’s it?  It sounded like your brain was melting down.

Friend 1: It was!  What am I gonna do?!  There’re over 300 episodes to this thing!

Friend 2: Hm.  Yeah, that’s a bummer.

Friend 1: Understatement of the modern era!  They can’t pull shows off their platform just like that!

Friend 2: Sure they can, it’s a whole licensing thing; it’s probably moving to whatever service is streaming shows now for the original network it aired on.

Friend 1: Unacceptable!  I am not paying yet another monthly fee for one show!  And I can’t believe that shows just disappear from this thing – Blockbuster would never have done that!

Friend 2: Well, Blockbuster is dead.

Friend 1: Not while there’s still one store open in Oregon, it isn’t!

Friend 2: OK then, maybe the library has the show on DVDs you can borrow?

Friend 1: No one has DVD players anymore!

Friend 2: I do.

Friend 1: Well aren’t you the prescient one!

Friend 2: Listen: either get a subscription for wherever the show is now with a free month trial and cancel it when you’re done; buy a DVD player and borrow the discs that your taxes have paid for; or find a way to watch 325 episodes in five days, what can I tell you?

Friend 1: …I’ll take Door #3.

Friend 2: Figured you would.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone on the couch and selects Episode 1 of Season 1 with a manic gleam in the eye) All right, Too-Much-Show-Not-Enough-Time: Challenge Accepted.

 DAY 2

Friend 1: (Still on the couch, looking a bit musty, answers the ringing phone) Yell-oh?

Manager: What’s this text about you taking the next four days off with absolutely no prior notice, let alone approval?!

Friend 1: (Sips an energy drink) It’s part of the anytime vacation days you owe me for covering double-shifts an entire week that one time.

Manager: What?!  That was… almost two years ago!

Friend 1: And now I’m cashing in on it.

Manager: You’re leaving us in a real bind, you know that?!

Friend 1: Yeah, and that week was no picnic, either!  Maybe you can do double-shifts and then we’ll be even!

Manager: I already do double-shifts every weekend!

Friend 1: Which is your choice, now isn’t it!

Manager: You know what: fine, I’ll put you down for vacation from today to Friday, and you can deal with the inevitable chaos from this week when you’re back in on Monday, all right?!

Friend 1: So, a typical Monday then?

Manager: I knew it was a mistake hiring a buddy from school!

Friend 1: And I know it was a mistake asking a buddy from school for a job!

Manager: I hope whatever it is you’re doing this week is awful, and you hate every minute of it!  (Slams the phone receiver)

Friend 1: (Hits “Play” to resume the video of Season 2, Episode 13) You have no idea….

 DAY 3

Friend 1: (Still on the couch with bloodshot eyes and cramping legs, at the end of the Season 8 finale) WHAT?!  How could they leave us with a cliff-hanger like that?!  No resolution, no answers, no emotional fulfillment?!  And now I’ve gotta wait –  (Checks the credits’ countdown timer) 15 seconds for the conclusion?!  Madness!  (Answers the ringing phone while hitting “Pause” when Season 9, Episode 1 starts)  HELLO?!

Friend 2: I’m guessing you just finished Season 8.

Friend 1: YES!  I am appalled at the writers’ emotional manipulation of this show’s viewers!  I’m writing a letter of protest at our treatment!

Friend 2: You realize no one’s there anymore to read it?

Friend 1: I’m writing it to The Void!

Friend 2: Maybe just watch the next episode of Season 9 and you’ll feel better.

Friend 1: Oh right, it’s starting now.

Friend 2: How’s the rest of the viewing marathon going?

Friend 1: Fine, everything’s fine.  (Tosses back a handful of cereal) I break only for bathroom visits and to restock the food supply at my side; I also upgraded my subscription plan so precious minutes aren’t devoured by innumerable commercials.  At my current progress, I should reach the finish line with… (Checks watch) seven minutes to spare.

Friend 2: And where are you fitting sleep into all this?

Friend 1: Where am I fitting what into what?

Friend 2: Never mind.  Math’s not my strongest subject, but I’ve been running the numbers recently and if I did it right, even if you watched this show non-stop 24 hours a day, there’s no way you’ll finish it five days – it’d take you almost triple that time to get to the end, it’s just not physically possible otherwise.

Friend 1: …Watch me!  (Ends the call)

Friend 2: (To the silent phone) Oh my.

Friend 1: (Hits “Play”) This resolution better be worth the extended turmoil I suffered just now.

 DAY 4

Friend 1: (Slumped on the couch, watching the end of Season 11, Episode 22, and crying with bleary eyes) How could they kill him off now, he had such character growth!  (Hits “Pause” and opens a new tab to look up information) Oh, the actor got the lead on a new show that year; good for him.  (Closes the tab and hits “Play,” crying again) But still how could they kill him off, booooooo!!!!!  (Hits “Pause” again to answer the ringing phone) What, what do you want, whaaaaaaaaat????!!!!

Friend 2: You’re on Season 11 already?

Friend 1: How can you tell?!

Friend 2: You sound like how we all felt after Episode 22 that year.

Friend 1: I don’t know how much more of this I can take: I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes as 17 different people watching this thing, and I’ve barely moved in almost a week!

Friend 2: Well, this show’ll do that to you, only it wasn’t meant to be taken in, you know, entirely one sitting.

Friend 1: I’m not stopping now!  It’s draining the life force out of me like a small screen vampire, but I’m so close to the end I can taste it, and it’s delicious!

Friend 2: Close?!  You’ve got over 50 episodes to go!

Friend 1: A mere pittance after what I’ve endured, ahahahaha – !

Friend 2: OK, I’ll leave you to it; bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto a nearby cushion, gulps another energy drink, and hits “Play”, muttering) No one’s tripping me at the finish line.  (Immediately starts bawling again as the episode resumes)

 DAY 5

Friend 1: (Has eyelids taped open to watch the Series Finale) Come on, ride off into the sunset already…. (The credits roll as the series finally ends) That’s it.  It’s done.  It’s done, at long last.  (Removes the tape and stares into space with the mixed emotions of post-series ending) Don’t know how to feel right now.  (Picks up the phone and calls Friend 2)

Friend 2: Hey, you finished it?

Friend 1: Yes.  I have slayed the dragon; I have conquered the mountain; I have joined the ranks of the nerds who endured this show and can now number myself as one of you.

Friend 2: Well, congratulations – you committed to the task you set yourself and finished it.  I hope you enjoyed it after all that.

Friend 1: I did, yes: Season 2 was the pits like you said – I’m shocked they were even renewed after that fiasco – but the rest of it was some of the best television I’ve ever experienced, even if it was in an extremely condensed format.

Friend 2: Great, that’s… that’s great.

Friend 1: …I know I’ve been out of it lately, but you suspiciously sound like someone who doesn’t want to tell someone something.

Friend 2: Wellllll… OK, don’t be mad –

Friend 1: That’s an immediate cue to be mad.

Friend 2: You talking about the show got me into looking up info about it – going down the fan rabbit hole, you know –

Friend 1: Yes, I’m familiar.

Friend 2: So yesterday I saw a news article about the show, and, well – here, if you still have the streaming service open, could you search the title for me, please?

Friend 1: Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. (Types the show’s name in the search box) There it is, asking if want to start with Season 1 again.  (Shudders)

Friend 2: Anything else you notice?

Friend 1: (Blinks extremely dry eyes) No, just the cast photo, Season 1, Episode 1…. (Leans forward, squinting at the screen) Wait a minute….

Friend 2: No note, right?

Friend 1: (Blinks faster) Are the stories true and sitting too close to the screen has completely ruined my vision?

Friend 2: Not yet: the article said the licensing deal got renewed last-minute, so the show’ll still be on there for at least another three years.

Friend 1: (Stares at the screen with mouth agape)

Friend 2: Hello?  You OK?

Friend 1: Yes; I think I may have some long-term health problems from all this, though.

Friend 2: Sorry if this makes you regret watching the entire show at once –

Friend 1: I REGRET NOTHING!

Story 488: Dramatic Irony in Action

[Scene: A private detective’s office, 1930s New York City.  The lone detective sits at his desk, staring at the cityscape out the window and sucking on a candy cigarette]

Detective: (Voiceover) <Nighttime in The Big City.  How I loathe this cesspool of crime, this limbo of lost souls, this… (Rubs an arm across the pane of the partially open window) factory of filthy windows.  The only thing that keeps me here in perpetual perdition is my innate, unerring, unceasing sense of justice.  How I loathe that, too.>

(A silhouette rushes up to the office door’s mostly opaque pane of glass; Detective turns around sharply as the figure in the hallway rapidly bangs on the door)

Detective: (Voiceover) <A knock on the door, after hours.  Can only mean one thing: Trouble, with a capital “T”.  And a capital “R”, “O”, “U” – >

Reader: Hello?!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Come in, Danger.>

Reader: I know you’re in there; can I come in, please?!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Guess I forgot to say that first bit out loud.> (Takes out the candy cigarette to yell) Come in!  (Voiceover) <Danger.>

Reader: (Rattles the doorknob) The door’s locked!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Right: I’d locked that to keep out Danger.>  (Walks wearily to the door, unlocks it, and lets in Reader who collapses onto a chair, out of breath) So, what brings you to my humble rat hole, Factory Worker?

Reader: Huh? (Looks down at outfit of sweater and jeans) Oh yeah, guess I don’t look like your typical Dame in Distress.  Or is it Broad?

Detective: (Locks the door again and resumes sucking on the candy cigarette) Whatever pleases you.  I don’t judge who comes through my door, long as they’ve got a cause to tug at the heartstrings and the dough to back it up.

Reader: (Stands) Right, so: not here about that –

Detective: Then you have five seconds to convince me not to throw you out this window.

Reader: We’re on the ground floor, so I’m not too concerned.

Detective: Corrupt landlord of a corrupt system: I specifically requested digs with a view of the tops of the more modest skyscrapers for me to brood upon life’s miseries, and instead I get horn-blaring taxicabs and littering pedestrians.  It’s a wonder I close cases at all in this milieu.

Reader: Can’t help that, but I’m actually here to do you a favor.

Detective: (Voiceover) < Favors don’t come cheap, and this scrappy ne’er-do-well looks to be driving a hard bargain; only question is, how much of my soul am I willing to sell – >

Reader: Since you’re now staring off into space I assume you’re in the middle of a rambling internal monologue that ultimately leads nowhere.

Detective: …You assume rightly.

Reader: Well knock it off: I came here to warn you that you’re in incredible danger!

Detective: Just a moment, please.  (Places the candy cigarette in an ashtray and turns up blaring saxophone music) Need to set the mood – you were saying?  (Perches casually on the edge of the desk)

Reader: (Shouting over the music) I was saying that your life is in danger!

Detective: Life is danger –

Reader: What?!

Detective: Fine.  (Turns off the music) I said, life is danger: it’s the deal we sign up for when we’re thrust literally screaming into this harsh, brutal world.  Unwillingly, I might add.

Reader: Yeah, well, this is a little more specific danger right now: you remember the gangster-you’ve-been-trying-to-outwit-forever’s second-in-command’s cousin’s drinking buddy who you tossed into a dumpster during the alley fight four chapters – I mean, two days ago?

Detective: (Thinks for a few moments) Oh, that little pipsqueak?  Had a fresh mouth, matched only by a pretty sharp toothpick?  Sure I remember tossing his keister out of my way in that brawl for the truth; why?

Reader: Let’s just say I have it on good authority that the pipsqueak’s got it in for you, so you’d better, you know, watch your 6:00.

Detective: (Checks watch) No, it’s 11:45.

Reader: Pipsqueak’s literally gunning for you, dude!  Any minute now, he’s gonna burst in here and give you the what for!

Detective: Not quite following your lingo, but sounds like Pipsqueak’s got my number and wants to cash in my chips for me the hard way.

Reader: Yes!  That!  (Collapses back onto the chair)

Detective: And how, exactly, did you come by this useful information?  Maybe Pipsqueak sent you here as a double-bluff, I wonder!

Reader: No, nothing here’s ever that convoluted: let’s just say I… know things.

Detective: Do you indeed.

Reader: Yes, and I know that Pipsqueak’s planning to come here tonight, at exactly midnight, and literally remove you from the scene in revenge for the humiliating dumpster dive!

Detective: Is that so?  You seem to know an awful lot about it for someone claiming not to be in league with that nobody.

Reader: I know enough that you should get out of here in… (Leans over to peer at Detective’s watch) less than five minutes.  If you value your life.

Detective: I do, but that’s beside the point right now.  (Reaches into a desk drawer and takes out a peashooter to train on Reader) Right now, I feel like I’m being served a load of flimflam that I want to return to the chef, and maybe I really should consider you the threat, instead of little Mr. Featherweight.

Reader: (Stands slowly with hands slightly raised) Listen, I’m trying to prevent a tragedy here – you had no idea this guy was coming for you until I showed up, and now you do, so you need to get your caboose in gear and split!

Detective: (Also stands) Well, I think that this is all a bunch of hooey you made up just so you could get to my mother’s pearls!

Reader: What?

Detective: What?

Reader: I don’t care about those, I’m trying to save your life!

Detective: Aha!  So you admit you know about them!

Reader: No – well I do, but –

Detective AH!  HA!

Reader: Listen, I know everything about your weird little life, OK!  I know about your childhood in the surprisingly comfortable orphanage; I know about your one summer as a carnie barker; I know about your tragic coming-of-age in the trenches of World War I –

Detective: (Gasps) ONE?!  There’s gonna be more?!

Reader: – I know about your heartbreak when the one true love of your life ran off with the one true best friend of your life; I know about your only really solving one case with the others being lost to moral ambiguity; I know about it all.

Detective: (Chews on lip while pondering this) Are you an actual witch?  Because it’s all right now: you’d only get prison time instead of the stake.

Reader: No!  I can only say… your life is an open book to me.

Detective: Ha!  I’m read by no one!

Reader: Wanna bet?

(The door bursts open with Pipsqueak’s arrival, another peashooter at the ready)

Pipsqueak: Gotcha!  You – oh sorry, didn’t realize you had a guest.

Reader: Ah, fiddlesticks.

Detective: Pipsqueak?!

Pipsqueak: What in the – ?  No, my name is Charles, and I’m calling you out!

Detective: Fine, go ahead!

Pipsqueak: I just – I just did.

Reader: Get outta here, man, you’re ruining everything!

Pipsqueak: Absolutely not!  Not after what this busybody-with-airs did to me!  I’ll never get that dumpster smell out of my hair and skin, never!

Reader: Yeah, you’re right: it’s pretty bad.

Detective: You had it coming!  But you’ll never catch me alive, do you hear me?!  No one will ever catch me alive, ahahahahaha!  (Turns around and jumps out the window)

Pipsqueak: (Falls to his knees and tilts head back to face the ceiling) NOOOOOOOOOOOO – !

Reader: Easy there, buddy – he just hailed a cab and drove off.

Pipsqueak: (Tilts head back forward) Oh right; forgot I didn’t climb any stairs to get here.  This place really is a dump, isn’t it?

Reader: You’re telling me.

Pipsqueak: (Stands and brushes off pants) Well, guess there’s no point in continuing my revenge spree if he’s just gonna keep jumping out windows every time I show up; I’m going back to the poker game I was losing to go do this.  (Leaves)

Reader: Yes!  Success!  (Looks around the empty office) Wait a minute: there’s still 150 pages left in this thing.