Story 207: The Office of Proper Perspective

            “Come in!” The Adviser called out in response to the knock on the door.  The Client gingerly opened the door, quickly took in the office, and slightly smiled.  “Have a seat!”  The Adviser gestured to the chair in front of the desk.

          “Thanks,” The Client said, sitting down and alternating between looking quickly at The Adviser and staring at the floor.

            “So,” The Adviser began.  “How did you hear about us?  Referral?”

          “Actually, I saw an ad online when I was, you know.”  The Adviser waited with raised eyebrows.  “Killing time waiting for the long night to finally end.”       

            “I completely understand.  And how can I help you today?”

            “Well, the ad said your company can solve nearly all problems, which everyone knows is impossible, so what’s the angle?”

            “Exactly what the name of our company is.”  The Adviser pointed to a sign on the wall that read “The Office of Proper Perspective.”  “We make you realize that your problems are really not problems at all, once you apply The Proper Perspective.”

            “Oh, OK, I don’t know about that.”

           “Let’s start by you telling me what your problems are at this moment,” The Adviser said while readying a pen and notebook.  “Pretend I’m someone you know really well, and just vent everything you can possibly think of.”

          “All right.”  The Client shift in the seat, thinking for a moment.  “So lately, I feel like everything I do is wrong and I wish it would all be over.”

            The Adviser nodded, not looking up while taking notes.  “Um-hm.  How so?”

         “Well, it’s all about work; I’m sure it’s always about work, right?”  When there was no response, The Client continued: “I’m in a dead-end job I don’t really care about, I can’t keep up with the work, and a few weeks ago two people in my department simultaneously quit so now I have all their work on top of all my work that, as I mentioned two seconds ago, I can’t keep up with!  So in essence, the work tripled while the time remained the same – I swear those two made a pact to get revenge on us or something – and no amount of money would ever make any of this worth it, since I have no time or will to enjoy it!”

            “Um-hm.  Even if it were $1 million an hour?”

            “Maybe – only because then I could retire within a week.”

            “OK.  Anything else?”

            “Any – !  Isn’t this enough?!  I’m going to have a heart attack and drop dead at my desk, and nothing that I did will ever have mattered!”

            “Um-hm.”  The Adviser stopped writing and picked up the notebook to read from.  “In light of the information you’ve given me, I’m going to ask you a few questions.  Question 1: Are you in good health?”

            “Well, yes – ”

            “Sub-question 1: Do you have full use of your faculties – physical, mental, and emotional?”

            “Well, yes – ”

            “Question 2: Do you have an adequate number of still-living relatives, and/or do you have decent relationships with the ones present?”

            “Well, yes – ”

            “Question 3: Are you currently homeless, penniless, and/or loveless?”

            “Well, no – ”

            “Question 4: Are you currently the plaintiff or defendant in a lawsuit?”

            “Well, no – ”

            “Question 5: Are you currently the target of an obsessive stalker and/or other pervert?”

            “No!”

            “Question 6: Are your current co-workers and/or boss horrible trolls who make your days a living Purgatory?”

            “Well, no, they’re pretty decent; it’s not their fault all this happened – ”

           “Final Question: Do you always have something to look forward to outside of your work day?”

            “Well, yes, my family and friends – ”

            The Adviser set down the notebook and looked at The Client.  “So.  Tell me how you feel about your problems now.”

            The Client squirmed a bit and mumbled: “I guess when you put it like that – ”

            “I’m sorry, what was that?”

         “I said, I get it!”  The Client looked up from the floor.  “Whatever problems I have are temporary and aren’t as bad as what I could have wrong with my life.  You’re right, and I feel slightly better about the whole thing: is that it?”

            “Lovely.  You can pay the bill at the front desk – have a nice day!”  The Adviser waved at The Client, who half-heartedly returned it on the way out the door.

            Two minutes later: “Come in!”

            A face popped in: “Is this ‘The Office of Hugs for Horrible Lives’?”

            “That’s back out in the hall, second door on the left.”

Story 206: The Accidental Magician

            (Co-Worker 1 stops by Co-Worker 2’s desk)

           Co-Worker 1: So I have to go to one of those meetings that tries to accomplish something important and manages only to fill the attendees with regret – wanna come with?

            Co-Worker 2: (Staring at nothing) Actually… I’m too disturbed to do anything right now.

            Co-Worker 1: How’s that?  Corporate coming to inspect your department today?

          Co-Worker 2: That I could wrap my head around.  No, it’s just – (Finally focuses on Co-Worker 1) I’ve suddenly realized that I’m a magician.

         Co-Worker 1: How’s that again?  You taking lessons for a second career as party entertainment?

            Co-Worker 2: No, I mean that I’ve discovered a power that I’ve never had before, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with the omnipotence right now.  I’m afraid I might destroy the world with it by mistake.

           Co-Worker 1: (Pulls a chair over to sit) All right, I’ll bite: what’s this newfound magical power you think you have?

            Co-Worker 2: (Leans in and whispers) I can make things disappear.

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, is that all?  I do that all the time – it’s called age, love: welcome to the years of declining memory; I’m looking forward to the senility myself.  Not really.

            Co-Worker 2: It’s more than just misplacing a few things – I mean, you eventually find them somewhere, right?

            Co-Worker 1: For the most part.  I’m still always on the lookout for my 5-year pin, though, so if you come across that just leave it on my desk, would you?

            Co-Worker 2: Well, I’ve been making things disappear and THEY NEVER COME BACK.

            Co-Worker 1: That’s a pretty definitive statement to make, though – there’s no way to prove it either way and is therefore fallacious.  Yes!  I learned that word last week and have been dying to use it in a sentence, thank you.

         Co-Worker 2: You’re not getting it: in the past month I have lost seven pens, three desk calendars – and not the tear-off kind, mind you, I mean the big ones that take up the whole desk – four staplers, a report saved on my computer, two pieces of candy, and 25 minutes!

            Co-Worker 1: (Blinks) Right, except for that last one, I think you’re just another unfortunate victim of The Office Thief.  I hate that guy.

            Co-Worker 2: I wish I was!  An external menace I could deal with; it’s the internal ones that can never be defeated, save by your own death.

            Co-Worker 1: OK, let’s back this up a little here: how are you so certain that someone isn’t just stealing your stuff?  Or that you’re not just misplacing them really, really well?

            Co-Worker 2: Allow me to demonstrate: do you have a pen or something else on your person that you aren’t particularly attached to?

            Co-Worker 1: Fine, let’s see – (Searches through pockets) here, here’s a cigarette – (Gently slams it onto Co-Worker 2’s outstretched hand) that I shouldn’t be holding onto anymore, so this is perfect, go ahead, make it disappear!

            Co-Worker 2: (Holds the cigarette in the air for a moment, then sets it gently on the desk) Now, we wait for the magic.

            Co-Worker 1: (Stares at the cigarette for a bit, with folded arms and twitching) So, is there going to be a puff of smoke or pixie dust or something here?

            Co-Worker 2: Nothing like that.  All I have to do is make contact with the object, and then ignore it until I make it disappear.

            Co-Worker 1: It’s probably just going to roll off the desk and get stuck next to the garbage can, you know.

            Co-Worker 2: You’ll see.  To keep you from staring at it, tell me what this meeting today’s going to be about whilst I keep my hands visible in my lap.  (Does so)

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, well, (Looks at watch) I’ve missed it, so that’s a good thing.  It’s one of those where we all get told what new tasks we’re going to get assigned to make things better, we’ll have to do them for a few months, and then the whole extravaganza sputters out to nothing and we all give up until the next go-round – it makes me so sad.

            Co-Worker 2: Hm.  I have to go to one like that tomorrow.  (Turns to where the cigarette was on the desk and then looks back at Co-Worker 1) Et voilà.

            Co-Worker 1: (Points to the now-empty spot on the desk) Wait a minute.  I didn’t see it move.  I didn’t see you move.  So where is it?!

            Co-Worker 2: Indeed.  Where could an inanimate object possibly have gone within the space of a minute with no obvious outside force acting on it?  You don’t know!  And neither do I.

            Co-Worker 1: (Scatters around the remaining objects on the desk, dives under the desk and searches a bit, then pops back up) It disappeared.  I don’t understand, there’s nowhere else for it to go!  (Looks at Co-Worker 2) It’s in your pocket.

            Co-Worker 2: (Turns pockets out) If only the answer was that I was a disturbed kleptomaniac.  No, I fear that my powers are all too real, and I have to figure out how to control them and soon, else the next thing to disappear forever may very well be the Atlantic Ocean.

            Co-Worker 1: Well, even though I’ve only had one weak example of all this – (Grabs a co-worker passing by) would you mind making Bob disappear?  He’s mean and makes the world a worse place with his horrible actions.

            Bob: Hey!

            Co-Worker 1: Own your sins like a real man, Bob!

            Co-Worker 2: See, this is what I meant earlier – I can’t go around using my newfound powers for evil!

            Co-Worker 1: But Bob is evil!

           Bob: Would you mind plotting behind my back like a normal person?  I need the manufactured justification for my revenge later.

            Co-Worker 1: (Releases Bob) Yeah, fine, go away while we plot, Bob.

            Bob: (Straightens shirt) I thank you.  (Leaves)

            Co-Worker 1: Maybe “accidentally” bump into him later, if that’s all you need to do?  Then we can all breathe freely in a world without Bob.

            Co-Worker 2: (Stands) You know, I told you all this for the sympathy and maybe some advice, and instead you did the typical human thing of trying to exploit it for your own advantage.  Good day to you.  (Leaves)

            Co-Worker 1: Where are you going?  There’re still two hours left on your shift!

            Co-Worker 2: (Turns back self-righteously) I’m going to the rest of that meeting you ditched – maybe some good can be brought out of all this madness!

            Co-Worker 1: Fine, you… nerd!  (To self) Waste of perfectly awesome powers; wish I could make things disappear, then it’d at least look like I got some work done around here.

Story 205: Waiting to Make a Left-Hand Turn

            7:27 a.m.

           The Driver advanced to The Intersection, the point where all roads met, where rush hour traffic never ceased, and where no quarter was given.  The left-hand signal was turned on, and the game began.

            Inch up – inch up – maybe – nope – after these three – traffic light’s red – now there’s a bunch on the right – inch up – maybe now – maybe now – maybe – maybe – maybe –

            7:39 a.m.

           “Hi, Sue?  Yeah, I’m probably going to be a little late this morning… Yep, I overslept and now I’m stuck at The Intersection…. Oh, it’s infamous around here, you can probably find news reports about it online…. Yep, that’s the one…. OK, I guess you’ll see me when you see me – oh shoot, I missed an opening!” [BEEEEEP!!!  SCREEEECH!!!!!]  “You go for it, dude!  At least one of us made it out of here.  Welp, I should go before I miss another one – it’ll happen any minute now, I just know it.”

            8:01 a.m.

            The mini-microwave dinged! at exactly the same time the mini-percolator finished dripping.  Simultaneous Completion of Hot Coffee + Morning Pizza = Serendipity.

            8:35 a.m.

           <The reason for all your suffering, the reason for all your pain; you know there could only have ever been one answer: I AM YOUR GHOST.>

          “Whoooooooa,” The Driver breathed while watching the screen propped in front of the steering wheel.  “Glad I missed everybody talking about it this morning.”

           <Wait a minute – do you mean “your ghost” as in Dead-Me-From-The-Future, or “your ghost” as in Embodiment-of-a-Torment-That-Is-Literally-Haunting-Me?>

            <…The first one.>

            <Whoooooooa!>

            An opening!  The gas pedal was floored as the screen went flying.  Fake out: someone was just changing lanes on the main road.  Good thing the brakes recently had been replaced; the new tread marks on the ground joined the thousands previously left behind.

            9:30 a.m.

           Snoooorrrrreee – gak?  The Driver awoke to see traffic was clear in both directions and to hear the horns blaring from behind.  The car smoothly pulled out of The Intersection now that the Rush Hours were over, since everyone else was at work.

          If I my play my cards right, The Driver thought, I can do this all over again tomorrow!