Story 48: Association of Amateur Stalkers

Not based on a true story; just a bit of silliness.

 

I used to think I was all alone in the world, until I met some of my own kind the other day.  I was sitting in my car in the early afternoon as usual, waiting for my special someone to leave community service, when I spotted another car waiting nearby in that same expectant matter.  Like recognizes like, and while my first thought was that this was a private investigator some wife had hired, deep down I knew I had found a kindred spirit at last.

I had a few more hours of patient idleness ahead of me, so I figured I’d be friendly.  I swung my car around to be parallel with the other one and lowered my window.  The driver started panicking until I held up my binoculars, sheepishly.  He held up his own, and we laughed in our shared misery.  He had some time to kill too, so we chatted about our mutual interest.  Realizing that there actually were more than one of us out there, we decided to do what anyone finding themselves to be two or more of would do: we formed a club.

Not wanting to be exclusive, I sent out feelers on the wonderful interconnected net and was able to attract the interest of some locals to join us.  I arranged our first meeting to be held in my parents’ basement at 3:00 p.m. on a Sunday, since that was really the only time most of us were free from our duties and real-world jobs.

I never had thought much about how lonely my hobby is until I met others in the same boat.  We first discussed what our organization should be called, settling on Association of Amateur Stalkers since our first choice, Amateur Stalker Society, had the acronym of ASS and we felt that had a negative connotation.  We then each took turns presenting our current projects: some of us, myself included, are serial and cannot commit all our lives to just one object of devotion and must continually find someone new.  The monogamous ones are very dedicated and have perpetual restraining orders to their credit (another reason why I switch it up from time to time).  None of us take photos or trespass on property – we are strictly real-time observers.  At the end of the meeting, one of the members stood and arrested all of us for voyeurism, which we accepted as our due.  As I sit in my cell, I recall the cop, while still incognito, asking if we’d ever consider taking the extra step and going professional.

No, never, we all agreed.  Those guys are sick.

Story 47: Rude Ellen Etiquette

(At a local convenience store, Rude Ellen Etiquette enters and sees someone coming behind her, not all that quickly.  She continues to hold the door open)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: Hurry up!  I don’t have all day to hold this open for you!

(The person increases velocity and speeds through the door under her glare)

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

            (At a fancy dinner, one of the guests is having trouble cutting a filet mignon)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: You’re using the wrong knife and fork, no wonder nothing’s happening.  Here, use mine.  (She throws both at the guest, and they land blade and tines in the table in front of him) You’re welcome.

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(At a movie theater, two people continually speak loud enough to be a distraction to the rest of the audience.  Rude Ellen Etiquette is sitting behind them and leans in between their heads to whisper)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: On behalf of the entire theater, if you don’t shut up this second, I will kill you.

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(On a busy highway, a car switches lanes frequently and keeps cutting off drivers, almost causing several accidents.  Rude Ellen Etiquette drives up behind the car, flashing her headlights and beeping her horn before running the car off the road into a ditch)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: (Yelling out the window) Think on your sins!

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(At an emergency room, one person is finally taken in for a third-degree burn when another person starts complaining loudly for still having to wait to be seen for a sprained finger.  Rude Ellen Etiquette, also waiting, walks over to him)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: Would you like to be taken first?  (The complainer answers in the affirmative; Rude Ellen Etiquette stabs him in the leg with a pen) After you, then.

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(In prison, Rude Ellen Etiquette is on the chow line when a fight breaks out in the middle of the cafeteria.  She gives up her place in line, walks over to the two main fighters, and whacks both of them upside the head with her tray)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: Remember that we’re all being punished together – if we turn on each other, they win!  (She is beaten by both fighters, but earns the respect of everyone else)

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(Released on probation, Rude Ellen Etiquette returns home and is disturbed at 2:00 a.m. by loud partying the next yard over.  She goes to their shared fence and turns a garden hose on them and on the stereo system)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: You have neighbors, people!

Rude Ellen Etiquette!  Always has your back.

Story 46: Do You Have What It Takes?

Set up is a typical game show – one podium to the left, three to the right, and bright colors everywhere.  The breathless host runs from the back to make her entrance.

Host: Welcome, folks, to another installment of – (Points to the audience)

Audience: “Do You Have What It Takes?”!

Host: That’s right, the show where we invite everyday people here so we can judge in the court of public opinion whether they would make good parents, or whether they really shouldn’t inflict their spawn upon the Earth.  Now that our new viewers are caught up, please welcome our first wannabe parents, Janet and Tom!

(A bland-looking couple enters and they take their places at the podiums at the right while the Host goes to stand behind the one at the left.  She reads from index cards)

Host: Now, Janet, I understand that you actually have had five children already?

Janet: Yes, but this would be my first with Tom.

Host: And Tom, you already have seven young`uns of your own, correct?

Tom: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………

Host: Great!  Here’s the first question: you’re at a party and all your children are there mixing with strangers.  Do you: A – Ensure that each one of you keep an eye on all your children at all times; B – Enlist a childless adult who has seemingly nothing to do to keep account of your offspring; or C – Let the older kids watch the younger ones while you two go off and enjoy yourselves?

Janet: (Hits the buzzer) C!  The oldest one’s 10 and does fine, and Tom and I have lives of our own, you know!

Tom: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………….

(The sound of a wrong buzzer)

Host: I’m sorry, the correct answer was A.  And Tom and you need to knock it off.  You can go now.  (They are escorted out by Security)  Our next contestants: John and Ryan!

(The couple enters and they stand at the podiums; one of them is typing on his phone)

Ryan: (To John) Would you put that away now?

John: I will when I’m done.  (Types some more and pockets the phone)

Host: Moving along, it says here that you two are both high-ranking businessmen who work 80-hour weeks.  Your question is in the form of a scenario: your 7-year-old child is sick in school for the third time this year.  The principal’s office calls, and both of you are at work.  Who picks up Junior?

John: (Hits the buzzer and points to Ryan) He would!

Ryan: I knew it!  You always dump everything on me, you’re so selfish, it’s always your career, what about my career – ?

Host: Thank you!  Come back when you’ve solved that age-old dilemma.  (They are escorted out by Security, still arguing) Our next contestants: Rachel and Mark.  (The two enter with another woman, who stands at the third podium) Who’s this?

Mark: Our au pair.

Host: For when you have a baby?

Mark: Oh, we’ve needed her for years.

Host: I see.  You have an essay question: your child has been caught stealing, red-handed.  When questioned, the response given is, “I felt like it.”  What should the punishment be and what steps taken to ensure child never feels inclined to do this again?

(Rachel and Mark look at each other)

Rachel: (To the au pair) Uh, Shelley?

Shelley: (Hits the buzzer) Administer 50 lashes of the strap and withhold food for a week.

Host: Thank you!  Please leave – all of you.  (They are escorted out by Security) We have time for one last round – please welcome Leslie and Lesley.  (The Leslieys enter) Now, I’m told that you two have been arrested at different times and simultaneously for disturbance of the peace, shoplifting, public intoxication, trespass, assault, and being a general nuisance?

Leslie: So?  We’re out now.

Lesley: Jeez, everybody’s always on our case!

Host: Can’t imagine why.  Your question is this: your child complains that no one likes him and they call him a bully.  Do you: A – take a long, hard look at what horrible people you are and make amends, or B – fight everyone who calls you out for being all-around a-holes?

(Both hit the buzzer)

Leslie: B!

Lesley: What kind of a stupid question is that?  We’re surrounded by idiots, hon – our kid’s gonna take what he wants, when wants, and there’s nothing any of you losers can do to stop us!

Host: Officers – arrest these two before they spread more of their awfulness across the planet!  (The two are escorted out by Security) Folks, that’s all the time we have for today.  Please join us tomorrow in this important public service as we play “Do You Have What It Takes?”.  And please, for the sake of humanity, realize when the answer is “No”.