Story 47: Rude Ellen Etiquette

(At a local convenience store, Rude Ellen Etiquette enters and sees someone coming behind her, not all that quickly.  She continues to hold the door open)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: Hurry up!  I don’t have all day to hold this open for you!

(The person increases velocity and speeds through the door under her glare)

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

            (At a fancy dinner, one of the guests is having trouble cutting a filet mignon)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: You’re using the wrong knife and fork, no wonder nothing’s happening.  Here, use mine.  (She throws both at the guest, and they land blade and tines in the table in front of him) You’re welcome.

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(At a movie theater, two people continually speak loud enough to be a distraction to the rest of the audience.  Rude Ellen Etiquette is sitting behind them and leans in between their heads to whisper)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: On behalf of the entire theater, if you don’t shut up this second, I will kill you.

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(On a busy highway, a car switches lanes frequently and keeps cutting off drivers, almost causing several accidents.  Rude Ellen Etiquette drives up behind the car, flashing her headlights and beeping her horn before running the car off the road into a ditch)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: (Yelling out the window) Think on your sins!

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(At an emergency room, one person is finally taken in for a third-degree burn when another person starts complaining loudly for still having to wait to be seen for a sprained finger.  Rude Ellen Etiquette, also waiting, walks over to him)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: Would you like to be taken first?  (The complainer answers in the affirmative; Rude Ellen Etiquette stabs him in the leg with a pen) After you, then.

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(In prison, Rude Ellen Etiquette is on the chow line when a fight breaks out in the middle of the cafeteria.  She gives up her place in line, walks over to the two main fighters, and whacks both of them upside the head with her tray)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: Remember that we’re all being punished together – if we turn on each other, they win!  (She is beaten by both fighters, but earns the respect of everyone else)

Rude Ellen Etiquette!

(Released on probation, Rude Ellen Etiquette returns home and is disturbed at 2:00 a.m. by loud partying the next yard over.  She goes to their shared fence and turns a garden hose on them and on the stereo system)

Rude Ellen Etiquette: You have neighbors, people!

Rude Ellen Etiquette!  Always has your back.