Friend
2: (Answering phone) What’s up?
Friend
1: You doing anything this Labor Day weekend?
Friend
2: Yeah, I gotta work.
Friend
1: Oh, the irony. This might actually
work out cheaper, then – you free any other weekend in September?
Friend
2: Probably all of them, why?
Friend
1: I think it’s time we finally went down to ---- --- and see all the ghosts
that supposedly infest the place for ourselves.
Friend
2: This again? You know I don’t believe
that stuff’s real.
Friend
1: Then how do you explain all of the sightings, hm? The temperature-decreasings, the
furniture-slammings, the spectral-frolickings, the creepy-whisperings, the –
Friend
2: Power of suggestion, mass hysteria, and really, really old buildings on the
verge of collapse. People see what they
want to see, or hear, or whatever.
Friend
1: But the whole city is registered as a National Haunted Landmark!
Friend
2: I think you mean a National Historic Landmark.
Friend
1: Potato-potato.
Friend
2: Not po–tah-to?
Friend
1: You heard me. So you wanna go middle
of the month?
Friend
2: Sure; I love the trolley tours there.
MID-SEPTEMBER
(Friend 1
and Friend 2 stroll through a pedestrian mall in ---- ---)
Friend 2: I
wonder if that cooking shop is still here?
Friend 1:
(Consulting a book and points) We can find out later – first let’s go over to
that Christmas store on the corner.
Friend 2:
Ugh, don’t talk to me about Christmas when it’s still technically late summer;
it’s bad enough all the Halloween stuff’s put out right after the 4th
of July.
Friend 1:
We’re not going to shop, we’re… hunting.
For hauntings.
Friend 2:
Oh dear. Does your little book there say
that store has the Ghost of Christmas Past hanging out by the register, then?
Friend 1: I
will ignore your use of “little” as a disparaging term, and go inside without
you. (Heads over to the entrance)
Friend 2:
Meet you at the fudge shop later.
Friend 1:
Which one?
Friend 2:
(Turns around and sees there are five in their area) Uhhhh…. (Points to the one
farthest away) That one will be my last stop.
Friend 1:
Glutton. (Dashes into the multi-holiday
store, stops in the middle of an area surrounded by Christmas, Winter,
Thanksgiving, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, etc. decorations, closes eyes,
spreads arms, and inhales sharply) Come spirits, I await thee and thy
spookiness – (Is knocked over by passing shoppers who are trying to exit the
store)
Shopper:
Sorry, excuse me!
Friend 1: (Brushes
off arms while getting up from the floor) Quite all right; entirely my
fault. (Is knocked over again by three
more shoppers, then heads to a corner with tree ornaments to consult the book)
Wait, it’s the other store in --- ------ that’s haunted? Son of a witch.
(In a local
bed and breakfast, Friend 1 and Friend 2 settle in their twin beds for the
night; a steady thumping is heard through the walls)
Friend 1:
This supposedly is the most haunted B&B in the entire state, and yet
they have cable TV, free Wi-Fi, and not one ghost!
Friend 2:
(Trying to read a book about freshwater fishing) Maybe they only show up at
midnight.
Friend 1:
It’s past midnight!
Friend
2: So it is.
Friend
1: I could have booked us separate rooms, you know – now you have to listen to
me snoring all night, every night, until we check out.
Friend
2: I’ll just dream about all the money I’m saving, thanks.
(The
thumping starts getting louder)
Friend
1: (Gets out of the bed and puts on slippers) That’s it, I am not spending an
entire night enduring that inconsideration.
Friend
2: Be careful – they could be psychos.
Friend
1: So can I. (Tromps down the hall and
bangs on their neighbors’ door. The
thumping continues, but there is no answer.
Friend 1 tries the knob, opens the door, and enters the room, stopping
past the doorway – there is a couple in a queen-sized bed, looking petrified
past Friend 1’s shoulder, and the thumping halts) Look, I know we’re all
excited to be here, but some of us are trying to get some sleep before having a
busy day relaxing tomorrow, so do you two mind knocking off the rave you have
going on in here, m’kay?
Both
Guests: (Shakily pointing to the corner of the room next to the open door)
Gh-gh-gh-gh-
Friend
1: Good night? Yes, good night to you
too, now hush! (Mutters) Tourists. (Turns to leave) Oh! (Is taken aback upon seeing a woman wearing
an old-fashioned maid’s outfit standing in the corner) Finally, someone
from Housekeeping shows up! Your timing
could be a little better, but when you’re done here could you stop off at my
room down the hall, please? I know this
is a B&B where the guests have to supply their own drapes, but the trash
bins could stand to be emptied every now and then, especially since we have no
idea when garbage pick-up is around here, if you could be so kind?! Thanks a bunch. (Is about to close the door, then addresses
the woman again) Love the uniform, by the way.
What’s the era supposed to be, 1920s?
Maid:
(In a hollowed-out voice) 1847.
Friend
1: (Shrugs) Eh, close. (Slams the door
shut on the way out, tromps down the hall back to the room, and flings self
back onto the bed)
Friend
2: (Still trying to read) Everything work out all right?
Friend
1: Oh yeah, we came to an understanding, they’ll shut up now, plus I got maid
service to come over here and clean up this mess – wake me up when she gets
here, huh? (Immediately falls asleep and
starts snoring)
Friend
2: (Tilts head in confusion) But there isn’t any maid service here.
(The
next morning, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll with the crowd on the sort-of
boardwalk)
Friend
2: Weather’s nice – want to go to the beach later?
Friend
1: (Roughly turning pages in the book) When there’re no lifeguards this time of
year – are you mad?
Friend
2: At least that means it’s free; we could just get our toes wet.
Friend
1: What need have I for wet toes when I am attempting to locate the hundreds of
souls who’ve drowned in these waters?!
Friend
2: Ew. Maybe come back at Halloween and
they’ll show up then.
Friend
1: (Stops reading) What difference would the date make?! Ghosts know naught of calendars in the
beyond!
Friend
2: They might know aught about solar and moon cycles, though.
Friend
1: I can’t believe we’ve trekked to all the spirit-world hot spots there are
here, and not one spectral sighing in the bunch. And meanwhile, we have to endure an off-season
tourist influx of cosplayers surrounding us everywhere we go!
Friend
2: Cosplayers?
Friend
1: (Gestures at all the old-fashioned-dressed pedestrians sashaying around them)
Behold! The nerds en masse! Is there a steampunk convention this weekend
and I missed the announcement?!
Friend
2: (Checks a brochure) No, I just see later today there’s supposed to be a pig
roast.
Friend
1: Barbaric. (Spots activity up ahead)
Ooh, a flogging! (Trots off, followed in
a confused hurry by Friend 2)
(The
next day, they begin the drive back home)
Friend
1: (In the passenger seat) Well, that weekend was a bust.
Friend
2: I thought it was very educational and restful. Thanks for suggesting it; I had a lot of fun!
Friend
1: Yeah, yeah. (Gazes out the window
back towards the city) All those stories and proper haunting conditions, and
not one ghost. (Watches a whaling ship
sail out from the harbor while the car passes by a Victorian family riding high
wheel bicycles) Not. One. Ghost.
