Story 296: I Had to Take a Defensive Driving Course

            (Driver is sitting at a kitchen table, sorting and tossing aside 90% of the mail, then sees a large envelope with a car insurance logo as the return address)

            Driver: Ugh – it’s that time of the year again.  (Opens the envelope and flips through several pages, eyes growing ever wider with each page) What – (Flips page) What – (Flips page) What – (Flips page) WHAAAAAAAT????!!!!  (Grabs the phone, dials a number with shaking fingers, and waits for the A.I. to answer) Question on policy…. NO!...  Question on bill…. NO!!!  Premium!  (Slowly shreds pages as the hold music plays)

            Representative: (Voice) Thank you for calling ------- Insurance, this is -------, first may I have all your personal information so I can confirm your identity and possibly steal it later?

            Driver: Fine, everyone else has it by now.  (Answers questions)

            Representative: Right, so now we know you’re you, how may I assist you today?

            Driver: OK, so I know none of this is your fault –

            Representative: Damn straight.

           Driver: – but I just got my annual auto insurance premium in the mail today and the amount has pole vaulted about 100% from last year, even though I’ve miraculously never had any accidents ever, and the car isn’t getting any younger, so, what?

          Representative: Let me see what happened between last year and this…. Ah!  Got it: surcharges and accident payments went up for your state this year.

            Driver: Soooo, you’re saying I have to pay more because everyone else here can’t drive?!

            Representative: Pretty much.  Your state sucks.

            Driver: This is so unfair!

           Representative: You’re not kidding – I wish I could call in a superhero to fight this for you, but they don’t exist so to keep you from jumping ship to another company in the meantime, I can check to see if we can apply any other discounts that aren’t already there… Ooh, did you ever serve in the military?

           Driver: To my shame, no.  And I think I’m too borderline middle-aged now for them to take me.

            Representative: OK; have you taken a defensive driving course lately?

            Driver: Ohhh, no?  No one’s ever told me to.  That’s something that would help?

            Representative: Oh definitely: it shows you take safe driving seriously.

            Driver: I certainly take saving money seriously.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

           (In an office building, Driver enters a semi-full classroom where all the desks have computers)

            Instructor: Hello, you’re here for “Defensive Driving and You”?

            Driver: Yepperz – are we heading out soon or should I park myself here first, heh-heh?

         Instructor: (Chuckles) Oh no, none of you will actually be driving for this – the course is completely electronic.

         Driver: Wait, what?  Why?  There’re all those cones outside, why aren’t we going to be crashing into them?!

          Instructor: Our insurance doesn’t cover road tests.  Think of this as equivalent to a restaurant that’s BYOB: if you want to practice anything you’ve learned here, feel free to do so on your own time and on your own deductible.

            Driver: So I could’ve done this whole course from home then?!

           Instructor: I suppose if you had the Internet access, which not everyone does.  Now, please take a seat: you’re disturbing the rest of the class.

            Driver: (Turns to see everyone else in the room glaring) Oh.  As you were.  (Heads for a spot in the very last row and slumps down in the seat)

            Instructor: All right everyone, please log in with the username and password provided to you earlier.  (Everyone does so) Have the headphones we gave you ready for the audio portions of the program and take as much time as you need for each module, but please note you will be automatically logged out after the course ends in six hours –

            Driver: WHAT?!

           Instructor: – so you must complete the final test by then, or come back another day and pay another fee for the privilege of doing this all over again.  Ready?

            Driver: No.

            Instructor: And begin!  (Reclines on a sofa and brings out a mass market paperback to read)

          Driver: (Puts on headphones, selects the first module of the course, and begins clicking through the slides) [Thinks while watching a video] Wow, the people they picked to drive for this thing are terrible.… Wonder if they did it for the cash?

SIX HOURS LATER

            Instructor: (Jolts awake by a watch beeping) OK, time’s up!  (Sees the whole room is empty except for Driver) Oh good, guess most of them finished early.  (To Driver) You almost done?  The course is going to time you out in about 10 seconds.

          Driver: (Swearing, shaking, and wincing while clicking on answers) Almost… there… (Selects “Submit” on the final test, then buries face in arms on the desk)

            Instructor: (Walks to the back of the room to see Driver’s screen) It’s safe to look.

            Driver: (Looks up sharply at the screen and raises arms in victory) 80%!  I won, I won, I won!

            Instructor: Well, you certainly passed – hit that button and it’ll print out the certificate for you up at the front of the room, and you’ll also get it by e-mail –

            Driver: (Runs to the front of the room and grabs the certificate as it exits the printer) That-was-great-thanks-a-bunch-I-never-want-to-see-you-again-byeeee!!!  (Continues out the door)

          Instructor: (Looks around the empty classroom) And there goes another of my Saturdays.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

          Driver: (On the phone while sorting the mail) But I don’t really wanna go to their party – would they even notice if I was missing?

            Mom: (Voice) Probably not, but then who would I talk to while I’m stuck there?

            Driver: OK, I’ll go for you then – oh.  (Sees a large envelope with a car insurance logo as the return address)

            Mom: What?

            Driver: I think this is my updated car insurance from when I took that course last week.

            Mom: Oh good, it’s always nice when people actually process the paperwork you send them.

            Driver: (Tears apart the envelope and flips through the pages) Yes-yes-yessss!!!  The bill went down, hurrah!

            Mom: Oh honey, I’m so happy for you!  How much lower is it, if you don’t mind me asking?

           Driver: Uh, let’s see…. (Grabs the older taped-up premium that was lying on the kitchen table off to the side, looks back and forth between that and the new premium, and emits a strangled cry)

            Mom: What is it?

            Driver: It went down as much as I paid for the course!!

Story 295: I Was in a Defensive Driving Training Video

He skimmed the “Help Wanted” section in his parents’ newspaper, ready to chuck it in for another day and head over to the library to use their online job search sites at half-hour intervals, when this caught his eye:

WANT TO MAKE SOME EASY CASH?

Yes! his brain answered.

HAVE YOU EVER DREAMED OF STARRING IN A FILM?

Ummm, sure, why not?

DO YOU HAVE A VALID DRIVER’S LICENSE?

What?            

THEN STOP BY OUR OFFICE TODAY FOR A CHANCE TO BE IN OUR DMV-APPROVED DEFENSIVE DRIVING COURSES, AIDING DRIVERS EVERYWHERE TO BE THE BEST – AND SAFEST! – THEY CAN BE!

“Ooh, ‘Defensive Driving,’” he said to himself as he tore out the page from the paper.  “Maybe they use swords.”

LATER THAT MORNING

At the office, he approached the receptionist at the front desk.

“How can I help you?”

“Hi, I’m here about this?”  He held out the ad.

She glanced at it for a second before popping her gum and asking: “You an actor?”

“No-o-o, should I be?”

“No, we actually prefer you’re not: it lends to the authenticity of the videos, plus we don’t have to pay union dues.”  She picked up a clipboard that held a six-inch pile of paper and handed it to him.  “Fill all these out please, front and back.  And don’t keep the pen: everyone else stole the others and it’s my last one.”

“Oh yeah, sure – thanks!”  He took the clipboard to a row of chairs lined along a wall, where about 10 other people sat also filling out forms.

Question 1: Have you ever had any traffic violations?

Uh-oh.

ONE HOUR LATER

With a shaking, cramped hand, he gave the clipboard and nearly dry pen back to the receptionist; without looking at it, she sent the clipboard through a pneumatic tube stationed behind her chair and said to him, “Right, thanks, they’ll call you if they need you to come in.”

“…Today?”

“Nah; probably about three weeks.”

“Oh.  I thought this was quick cash.”

“Nope: this is easy cash; nothing legal is quick cash.  And it’s actually a check, and the forms have to be scanned into the database to make sure you’re not wanted in 20 states for grand theft auto, and you’ll have to have a drug test if you’re selected, so yeah, about three weeks.”

“Oh.  OK.  Bye.”

“Have a nice day.”

ABOUT THREE WEEKS LATER

            He entered the office and saw the same receptionist at the front desk.

            “How can I help you?”

            “Yeah hi, I got called to come in for the shoot?”

            “The what?”

            “Heh-heh, sorry, I mean the defensive driving video.  Training film.  Thingamabob.  You know.”  Shut up, shut up, shut up!

            “Oh yeah, they’re down the hall, third door on the right, I’ll let them know you’re heading on over.”

            “Thank you much.”  Knock it off!

            Once he arrived at the right room, he and three other participants received a brief introduction by a facilitator before they were taken outside to a parking lot separate from the main one where they had left their cars.

            “Now, I have to ask,” the facilitator said as they headed towards a car covered in all sorts of text, “do any of you currently have any tickets or points on your license?”  One of the participants raised their hand.  “Last chance to sit this out, then.”

            “Wait, we’re actually going out on the road?” they asked.  “I thought this would just be in a parking lot with a bunch of cones.”

           “That’s for our teenage newbie drivers: you guys are the older crew.  We need real-life footage of what bad driving looks like so the course shows students what not to do.”

           He started at this: “Oh, I thought we were selected to participate `cause we were good drivers?  Like, we don’t have any felonies or warrants out for our arrest?”

            The facilitator stared at him: “And how would anyone learn from that?”

            “Oh.”

            He saw a dashboard camera conspicuously pointed at the driver’s seat as he got into the car; he buckled up and pushed back the seat while the facilitator entered through the passenger side and began activating equipment.

            “Now,” the latter said without looking at him, “just drive as you normally would and pretend this thing isn’t even here.”  A small but unavoidable red light flared on the camera.

            “OK....”  He sat up as straight as he possibly could and placed his hands at 9:00 and 3:00 on the steering wheel.  “How’s this?”

            “Is that how you normally drive?”

            “…No.”

            “How then?”  He sheepishly moved his hands to 7:00 and 5:00.  “Perfect – off you go!”

            He started the engine after the facilitator exited, then leaned over to ask through the open passenger-side window: “Wait, where do I drive to?  And how long?”

            “Wherever your little heart desires! And you have 30 minutes, which started a minute ago.”

            “Oh, sorry, bye!”  He zoomed out of the parking lot and merged onto the highway.  Wonder if I can squeeze in some take-out before heading back?

            His eyes kept being drawn to the camera, so much that he nearly hit a motorcycle changing lanes even though it had signaled.  “Whoopsie.”

            Now more on his guard, he maintained the speed limit and continued uneventfully down the highway.

          After about five minutes, a voice blared out of the car radio’s speakers: “WHAT THE BLAZES ARE YOU DOING?!”

            He yelped and nearly swerved off the road into a family of deer that was standing next to the shoulder, minding their own business.  “Wait, what are you talking about?!  I’m trying to drive!”

            “Were you even listening earlier?!”  The facilitator’s voice had lowered in volume but not in screech.  “We need examples!  We need scenarios!  We need near-misses and ‘Look-out!’s and ‘OMG!’s and ‘WTF!’s”

            Having slowed down to a crawl, he was trying to sort all this out without pulling over: “Wait, so, you want me to get into an accident?!  On purpose?!”

            “It’s called ‘collision’ now, and that is clearly not what I am saying – we want you to almost get into an accident.”

            “How am I supposed to do that?!”

            “By just being yourself and doing what you normally do: driving recklessly!”

           “I do not drive recklessly!” he countered as he picked up speed and swerved in and out of traffic.

            “Uh-huh.”

            “You were just distracting me earlier, which is very dangerous and irresponsible!  Ooh, I’m coming up to a roundabout now, zip it.”

            “Uh-huh."

          He deliberately took his time merging into the roundabout, then was cut off from exiting where he wanted because he had switched to the inner lane to get ahead of the other cars, which now were passing by and blocking him.  After two rotations, he zoomed ahead to make a diagonal escape from the black hole, almost wiping out five cars that voiced their objections by various means of sounds and gestures.

            “Beautiful,” the facilitator’s voice said.

            He was shaking as he headed back to the parking lot.  “I had the right-of-way there, you know!  They were all just being jerks!”

            “Uh-huh.  Incidentally, this course teaches drivers that the right-of-way actually is given by the other drivers on the road, did you know that?”

            “I could gladly have spent the rest of my life not knowing that.  Besides, what good is all this if the camera’s only getting my messed-up face the whole time?!”

         “Oh don’t worry about that – there’s another camera facing out that’s catching everything else, so we’re covered.  I think we’ve got enough material out of you, and your time’s up so get back here now, please.”

            “I’m already back here!”

            “Oh yeah, I see you now – cheers.”

          He parked the car by the group and shakily exited; the facilitator held the door open and beckoned the next participant over. 

He hesitated before leaving: “So that’s it, you really don’t need anything else from me, like texting or falling asleep or road raging or all that?”

            “You kidding?  That would be illegal.”