(Co-Worker
1 stops by Co-Worker 2’s desk)
Co-Worker
1: So I have to go to one of those meetings that tries to accomplish something
important and manages only to fill the attendees with regret – wanna come with?
Co-Worker
2: (Staring at nothing) Actually… I’m too disturbed to do anything right now.
Co-Worker
1: How’s that? Corporate coming to
inspect your department today?
Co-Worker
2: That I could wrap my head around.
No, it’s just – (Finally focuses on Co-Worker 1) I’ve suddenly realized
that I’m a magician.
Co-Worker
1: How’s that again? You taking lessons
for a second career as party entertainment?
Co-Worker
2: No, I mean that I’ve discovered a power that I’ve never had before, and I’m
feeling a little overwhelmed with the omnipotence right now. I’m afraid I might destroy the world with it
by mistake.
Co-Worker
1: (Pulls a chair over to sit) All right, I’ll bite: what’s this newfound
magical power you think you have?
Co-Worker
2: (Leans in and whispers) I can make things disappear.
Co-Worker
1: Oh, is that all? I do that all the
time – it’s called age, love: welcome to the years of declining memory; I’m
looking forward to the senility myself. Not
really.
Co-Worker
2: It’s more than just misplacing a few things – I mean, you eventually find
them somewhere, right?
Co-Worker
1: For the most part. I’m still always
on the lookout for my 5-year pin, though, so if you come across that just leave
it on my desk, would you?
Co-Worker
2: Well, I’ve been making things disappear and THEY NEVER COME BACK.
Co-Worker
1: That’s a pretty definitive statement to make, though – there’s no way to
prove it either way and is therefore fallacious. Yes! I
learned that word last week and have been dying to use it in a sentence,
thank you.
Co-Worker
2: You’re not getting it: in the past month I have lost seven pens, three desk
calendars – and not the tear-off kind, mind you, I mean the big ones that take
up the whole desk – four staplers, a report saved on my computer, two pieces of
candy, and 25 minutes!
Co-Worker
1: (Blinks) Right, except for that last one, I think you’re just another
unfortunate victim of The Office Thief.
I hate that guy.
Co-Worker
2: I wish I was! An external menace I
could deal with; it’s the internal ones that can never be defeated, save by
your own death.
Co-Worker
1: OK, let’s back this up a little here: how are you so certain that someone isn’t
just stealing your stuff? Or that you’re
not just misplacing them really, really well?
Co-Worker
2: Allow me to demonstrate: do you have a pen or something else on your person
that you aren’t particularly attached to?
Co-Worker
1: Fine, let’s see – (Searches through pockets) here, here’s a cigarette –
(Gently slams it onto Co-Worker 2’s outstretched hand) that I shouldn’t be
holding onto anymore, so this is perfect, go ahead, make it disappear!
Co-Worker
2: (Holds the cigarette in the air for a moment, then sets it gently on the
desk) Now, we wait for the magic.
Co-Worker
1: (Stares at the cigarette for a bit, with folded arms and twitching) So, is there
going to be a puff of smoke or pixie dust or something here?
Co-Worker
2: Nothing like that. All I have to do
is make contact with the object, and then ignore it until I make it disappear.
Co-Worker
1: It’s probably just going to roll off the desk and get stuck next to the
garbage can, you know.
Co-Worker
2: You’ll see. To keep you from staring
at it, tell me what this meeting today’s going to be about whilst I keep my
hands visible in my lap. (Does so)
Co-Worker
1: Oh, well, (Looks at watch) I’ve missed it, so that’s a good thing. It’s one of those where we all get told what
new tasks we’re going to get assigned to make things better, we’ll have to do
them for a few months, and then the whole extravaganza sputters out to nothing
and we all give up until the next go-round – it makes me so sad.
Co-Worker
2: Hm. I have to go to one like that
tomorrow. (Turns to where the cigarette
was on the desk and then looks back at Co-Worker 1) Et voilà.
Co-Worker
1: (Points to the now-empty spot on the desk) Wait a minute. I didn’t see it move. I didn’t see you move. So where is it?!
Co-Worker
2: Indeed. Where could an inanimate object
possibly have gone within the space of a minute with no obvious outside force
acting on it? You don’t
know! And neither do I.
Co-Worker
1: (Scatters around the remaining objects on the desk, dives under the desk and
searches a bit, then pops back up) It disappeared. I don’t understand, there’s nowhere else for
it to go! (Looks at Co-Worker 2) It’s in
your pocket.
Co-Worker
2: (Turns pockets out) If only the answer was that I was a disturbed
kleptomaniac. No, I fear that my powers
are all too real, and I have to figure out how to control them and soon, else
the next thing to disappear forever may very well be the Atlantic Ocean.
Co-Worker
1: Well, even though I’ve only had one weak example of all this – (Grabs a
co-worker passing by) would you mind making Bob disappear? He’s mean and makes the world a worse place
with his horrible actions.
Bob:
Hey!
Co-Worker
1: Own your sins like a real man, Bob!
Co-Worker
2: See, this is what I meant earlier – I can’t go around using my newfound
powers for evil!
Co-Worker
1: But Bob is evil!
Bob:
Would you mind plotting behind my back like a normal person? I need the manufactured justification for my
revenge later.
Co-Worker
1: (Releases Bob) Yeah, fine, go away while we plot, Bob.
Bob:
(Straightens shirt) I thank you.
(Leaves)
Co-Worker
1: Maybe “accidentally” bump into him later, if that’s all you need to do? Then we can all breathe freely in a world
without Bob.
Co-Worker
2: (Stands) You know, I told you all this for the sympathy and maybe some
advice, and instead you did the typical human thing of trying to exploit it for
your own advantage. Good day to you. (Leaves)
Co-Worker
1: Where are you going? There’re still
two hours left on your shift!
Co-Worker
2: (Turns back self-righteously) I’m going to the rest of that meeting you
ditched – maybe some good can be brought out of all this madness!
Co-Worker
1: Fine, you… nerd! (To self) Waste of
perfectly awesome powers; wish I could make things disappear, then it’d at
least look like I got some work done around here.
