She
called her frenemy because there was no one else who could offer her legitimate
advice for free: “Can I have your opinion on a condition? That I think I have?”
“Sure;
I can say with absolute certainty that you probably are not pregnant.”
“Ha-ha,
no, it’s just that I think I have a sty on my left eyelid and I’m wondering if
I need to go to my eye doctor about it.”
“Oh,
that’s it? Just put a warm compress on
it for about 10 minutes a few times a day.”
“That’s
it?”
“That’s
all you have to do.”
“And
it’ll just go away on its own?”
“[Chuckle]
Yep, that’s [snort], that’s all you have to do.”
“What’s
so funny? Is this one of the times you’re
lying to me?”
“No,
not at all [giggle] – you can look it up anywhere, all you need are warm
compresses [guffaw].”
“And
it’ll completely go away?”
“Yep.” Bursts out laughing. “Trust me!”
“OK,
thanks… bye.” There really was no
choice: she refused to waste her deductible on a home-remedy infection.
After
a few days of warm compresses, she woke to face her reflection in the mirror
for the latest go-round and nearly fainted.
“What the airmdiwhdikjajiek?!!!!”
She
called the frenemy, who picked up chortling: “How’s the patient?”
“You
knew this was going to happen, didn’t you?
DIDN’T YOU?!”
“Whatever
‘this’ is, yes. How bad does it look,
tee-hee-hee!?”
“I’m
appalled at your amusement; I look like a horror movie monster! My eyelid is growing a third and hideous
eye! By tomorrow it’ll take over my
entire face!”
“Relax,
it’s just all the pus coming out, bwahaha!”
“Relax?! It’s multiplying! I’m gonna lose the eye and I won’t be able to
drive anymore and then where will my life be?!”
“Nonsense,
you’ll be fine – this state’s DMV still lets you drive if you have 20/50 vision in
your remaining eye.”
“Gaaah!!”
“Listen,
you’re not going to lose the eye, just keep doing the compresses and your
body’ll work itself through this. That’s
all you have to do.”
“That’s
what you said the last time!”
“And
it was true, wasn’t it? By the way, can
you send me a picture of it before it bursts?”
“Ewwwwwwww,
and no. Is there anything else you’re
not telling me that’s coming down the road for this?”
“Yeah:
if you survive it, you’ll get X-ray vision.”
“Remind
me not to make an appointment with whatever practice you join when your finish
your residency.”
