Story 108: Rhetorical

“…so I gave him the what for, know what I mean?”

“No I don’t.  What do you mean?”

“Uh, I, you know, uh, I told him off, know what I mean?”

“I do now – thank you.”

“What was I talking about?”

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            “Hey man, you just cut me in line, what’s the matter with you?!”

            “Well, I have two weeks to live before I die in agony, so I can’t waste the precious seconds I have left waiting in lines.”

            “Ugh, fine, go ahead.”

            “Bless you – I will watch over you once I have reached the great beyond.”

            “No kidding?”

            “No kidding.”

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            “Hi buddy, what’s happening?”

            “Lots: I’m getting evicted tomorrow and I have no money.  Can I crash at your place for an undetermined length of time?”

            “I was only calling to see if you wanted to watch the game at the bar on Friday.”

            “I’d love to!  Who wouldn’t?”

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            “Are you crazy?!”

            “Pending the official diagnosis: yes.”

            “Ohhh….”

            “You were saying?”

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            “Is it just me, or has the world been getting worse and worse lately?”

            “It’s just you.  The world always has been pretty bad.”

            “No kidding?”

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            “This shirt’s dirty again.”

            “What do I look like, the washing machine?”

            “No, you look like the one who cleans the clothes around here.”

            “You want a smack now or later?”

            “Later, please – preferably never.”

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            “Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ – what were you raised in, a barn?”

            “I was raised in a house, but apparently my parents failed in their duties.”

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            “Am I talking to myself here, hello?”

            “Hi, we hear you, but you’re boring.”

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            “Who do you think you are?!”

            “I think I’m me – am I wrong?”

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            “I can’t get you what you’re asking for; what do you want from my life?”

            “I want your life to be able to get me what I’m asking for!”

            “Seriously?”

            “Yeah, I suppose not.”

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            “He stole millions of dollars from those poor people – how does he sleep at night?”

            “On silk sheets with down pillows, I believe.”

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            “Just wanted to let you know I’m hanging out with my friends tonight.”

            “Sure, why not?”

            “Well, it might rain; something in the house may need to be fixed; the cat may get sick; you might need the car…”

            “What?”