Story 536: We Interrupt This Surgery With a Bit of an Earthquake

             (In an operating room, Patient is wheeled in on a stretcher as the team prepares for surgery)

Surgeon: (Beams broadly at Patient through a surgical mask) Hi there!  How are you feeling before The Big Event?

Patient: (As the anesthesia begins to take effect) Well Doc, I was a little anxious before, but now I feel extreeeeemely grooooovy….

Surgeon: (Briefly tests a surgical saw) Perfect.  Now, you know I’ve done literally thousands of these and hope to do millions more before I’m eventually forced to retire, so rest – (Winks exaggeratedly) assured I could do this procedure blindfolded if I didn’t mind getting sued.  So, we’re going to do a few final checks here and then start slicing you up; please feel free to go ahead and lose consciousness any time now.

Patient: (Eyes drift closed) Riiiiiight… ooooonnnnn….

Surgeon: (To Anesthesiologist who is monitoring Patient) Out?

Anesthesiologist: (Checks Patient’s vital signs) Out.

Surgeon: Good.  (To the O.R. Team) All right, folks, let’s get a move on – I’ve got 10 more of these to get through before office hours today, so make it snappy!

   ONE HOUR LATER

(Patient dreams of riding a rickety roller coaster that continuously ascends)

Patient: (In dream, has arms raised waiting for the first drop that never arrives) WHEEEEEEE – !  (The roller coaster dissolves as Patient slowly awakens, extremely groggy) – eeeeeee….

Surgeon: (Leans over Patient, no longer wearing the surgical mask but still beaming broadly) Hi there!  How are you feeling?

Patient: …weird….

Surgeon: (Chuckles) Yes, that’s to be expected.  So!  How to phrase this: while you were blissfully occupied in dreamland, we’ve had a bit of an unforeseen turn of events here in the waking world.

Patient: …oh...?

Surgeon: (Still beaming broadly) Yes, I had made several incisions and we were just getting into the heart of things, so to speak, when out of nowhere, we apparently had a bit of an earthquake.

Patient: …a bit…?

Anesthesiologist: (Leans in) Measured 6.5 on the Richter scale.

Surgeon: (Smile never falters; to Anesthesiologist) Yes, thank you for the report!  (One-handedly pushes away Anesthesiologist; to Patient) As you can see, nothing to worry about, everyone’s fine, but in an overabundance of caution we had to have a bit of an evacuation.

Patient: A bit??!!  (Sits up slightly on the stretcher and sees that the O.R. has relocated to the hospital’s parking lot)

Surgeon: (Gently pushes Patient back down) Yes, everything is completely under control: once the tremors stopped, we sewed you up – somewhat – and wheeled you right on outta there!

Patient: Oh.  OK.  Guess we have to reschedule then, huh?

Surgeon: Well….

Patient: Well…?

Surgeon: The thing is – due to the overabundance of caution, mind you –

Anesthesiologist: (Leans in again) Everything was falling everywhere.

Surgeon: (Pushes Anesthesiologist away again) – we had to evacuate just when I was about to implant your brand-spanking-new knee, and there wasn’t enough time for me to sew up every single thing before we had to wheel you right on outta there, so things are in a bit of a… precarious state, if you will, and if I don’t get back in and finish what I started soon there is a slight-to-probable chance that you will bleed out.

Patient: WHAT?!

Surgeon: (Holds up a finger) But!  Not to worry, since all we have to do is pick up right where we left off just as soon as you sign these forms stating that you consent to the change in venue and the new, less-than-sterile conditions.  (Holds out a pen and a clipboard with handwritten forms attached)

Patient: (Frantically signs, dates, and times the forms) Fine, yes, do whatever you have to do, just hurry up and finish, please!

Surgeon: (Tosses the clipboard and pen onto a nearby car) That’s great – now, we’re going to send you right on back to dreamland soon, and this’ll all be over before you know it!

Anesthesiologist: (Leans in toward Surgeon) We can’t administer anesthesia right now – we left all the equipment to monitor vitals back in the O.R.

Surgeon: (Smile freezes) Blast.  (To Patient after a few moments) So!  How would you say your pain tolerance is?

Patient: Uh… I like to think it’s pretty high….

Surgeon: (Puts on a surgical mask, wipes hands and forearms thoroughly with sterile alcohol pads, and puts on gloves) Perfect!  So: we’re going to do a bit of a real-world academic exercise now.  Normally, we ask patients after the fact to rate their pain on a scale of 1 to 10, but in these special circumstances I want you to tell me whenever I ask whether any possible pain you feel is 1 – bearable while biting down on this mouth guard – (Inserts it into Patient’s mouth) or 2 – so excruciating that you’re probably going to lose consciousness and return to dreamland all on your own.  Sound like a plan?

Patient: (Through the mouth guard) Uhhhh….

Surgeon: Perfect!  Oh, one more thing – (To Anesthesiologist) Could you add the phrase “Without anesthesia” to the bottom of the form and have our patient initial the addendum, please?

Anesthesiologist: Sure.  (Updates the form and holds it out for Patient to sign)

Patient: (Signs; speaking through the mouth guard) Is this going to take much longer, then?

Surgeon: (Laughs maniacally while raising a scalpel) Not if I have anything to say about it!

 HOURS LATER

(Patient wakes up in a hospital room and sees Surgeon and Nurse standing nearby)

Surgeon: (No longer wearing a surgical mask) Hi there!  How are you feeling?

Patient: …Not too great, to be honest.

Surgeon: Great!  You unfortunately did lose consciousness during the surgery without telling me first like we’d agreed, but I was almost done at that point so no hard feelings.  (Hands a packet to Patient, who groggily takes it) We woke you up now so I could give you your homework: these are all the meds you’ll need to take 15 times a day for the next month, and all the exercises you’ll need to do with you brand-spanking-new knee every hour on the hour, even while you’re sleeping.  Got all that?

Patient: (Loopily stares at the huge pile of papers, then back at Surgeon) …Huh?

Surgeon: Great!  Gotta run – that earthquake set me back about two months on my appointments, so you can just imagine the happiness my life is right now!  (Dashes out the door)

Patient: (To Nurse) Is everything all right, or should I be worried?

Nurse: (Working on Patient’s IV) Everything’s fine for the most part, but with the earthquake inserting itself into the schedule we’re all set back today.  Physical Therapy will be here eventually to get you up and moving so you can get on outta here, but with all the delays they won’t have you running the half-marathon or doing the high jump until at least tomorrow, and that’s being optimistic.

Patient: …I’ll manage.

Story 535: But I Don’t Want to Participate in Mating Season This Year

            (Bird 1 paces on a telephone wire as Bird 2 flies up to land nearby)

Bird 2: Hey-hey, what’s-up-what’s-up?

Bird 1: Oh, not much; just waiting for the fledgling to show her face one of these days, that’s all.

Bird 2: Ah.  How’s the whole “Not letting this one leave the nest” experiment going?

Bird 1: (Stops pacing and sighs) Not as well as I’d like.  I was hoping that not kicking this one out on Day 15 of existence would bring us closer together and give me some non-demanding company over the course of our lives, but it seems to have created a whole bunch of new problems instead.

Bird 2: Oh?  Like what?

Bird 1: (Looks up suddenly) You’ll find out – she’s coming in for a landing right now.

(Bird 3, with a self-made crest no one else sports and what appears to be berry juice drawn in circles around the eyes, lands with a thud on the wire, dislodging a few other birds down the line)

Bird 3: (Looking elsewhere with an air of indifference) `Sup.

Bird 1: (Flaps wings in agitation) And where have you been, hm?

Bird 3: (Preens wing tips) Oh, you know – around.

Bird 2: (Side-stepping down the wire) Yeah, I’m going to take this opportunity to… leave.  (Cannot fly away fast enough)

Bird 1: (Not even acknowledging the exit, continues addressing Bird 2) Uh-huh.  You know very well that this is the first day of mating season –

Bird 3: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Bird 1: – and you’re not going to get any males even wanting to attract your attention and lifelong devotion if you insist on looking like that.  (Waves a wing up and down at Bird 3)

Bird 3: (Finally looks at Bird 1) Good!  Maybe I don’t want any males wanting to attract my attention!

Bird 1: (Gasps in horror) But – but – but – babies!

Bird 3: What about `em?!                                         

Bird 1: How are you supposed to have any if you don’t have males parade around in front of you strutting their stuff?!

Bird 3: Guess I won’t be, then.  (Bird 1 gasps even louder) I’m sure the species will survive a lone female bowing out of the biological cycle just this once.

Bird 1: Swoon!  (Nearly faints off the wire; Bird 3 grabs a wing and steadies her) I have never in all my two years of life ever heard such abominable heresy!  What would your father say – rest his feathered soul – if he could hear you now?!

Bird 3: I’m sure he’d wish he could’ve bowed out of the whole thing, too – it couldn’t have been easy providing for four sets of chicks a year.

Bird 1: Aiiii!!!

Bird 3: I wish you wouldn’t make such a big deal about it: all of my brothers and sisters seem to be content with continuing the family line, so you have plenty of grandkids to ensure our species’ survival.

Bird 1: I can only hope!  They all dispersed after leaving the nest – they never visit, they never send any songs my way!  You, on the other wing, I kept by my side hoping we could remain a family for longer than most, with you, your mate, and your many, many offspring!

Bird 3: Very progressive of you, but clearly misjudged.

Bird 1: (Wrings wings) Ooh, what will I say to all the others when they ask about you and your nonexistent brood?!

Bird 3: I dunno: tell `em a hawk got me or something.

Bird 1: (Stops wringing) Don’t even joke about that!  Although I’m feeling almost as bad as if one did!

Bird 3: Figures.

Bird 1: Just help me to understand: what do you plan on doing with your life if you’re not going to spend it producing more of us, may I ask?

Bird 3: (More animated) I’ve given that a lot of thought, actually: I’ve decided to migrate across the wide East Waters and explore the lands there that the albatrosses are always talking about.

Bird 1: (Beak drops open in astonishment) Migrate across the East Waters?!  We’re not built for that kind of distance, and there’ll be absolutely no food you’ll be able to get until you’ve finally reached the ends of the Earth!  What are you thinking – you’ll never make it!

Bird 3: Ah, there’s a trick, though: you know those huge metal vessels that the humans go around in?

Bird 1: You mean like the one your father – rest his feathered soul – flew into?

Bird 3: Not the ones on land – the ones on the waters.

Bird 1: Oh.  Yes, I’ve seen few of those, here and there.

Bird 3: Well, word is that you find the biggest one leaving land, one that looks like a floating city, snag a safe cubby somewhere along the outer edge, and hang out there until it reaches land on the other side!  Easy food, easy water, easy shelter – just don’t get caught, and be prepared to wind up where you started if it turns out to be a dinner cruise.

Bird 1: (Holds head in wings) My own chick, one I fed with my own digested food and sheltered with my own body against the elements both inside and outside the shell, is not only refusing to take part in the only command issued to us by Nature, but is choosing to embark on the life of a – a – scavenger!

Bird 3: You say that like it’s a bad thing; some of my best friends are scavengers.

Bird 1: (Looks back at Bird 3) You know very well my feelings about your associating with those… carrion feeders.

Bird 3: They’re called “vultures”, Mother!

(Another bird flies toward them and lands on the wire nearby)

Bird 1: (Waves a wing at Bird 3) Ooh!  Ooh!  Here comes a male!  Just give him a chance, please?  For my sake?

Bird 3: (Folds wings across chest and turns head away) Fine.

Bird 4: (Has side-stepped to the other two) Hello, ladies.

Bird 1: Hello, good sir.  (Drags Bird 3 closer) This is my daughter – (Mutters to Bird 3) At least have some manners.

Bird 3: (Without looking at Bird 4) Hey.

Bird 4: (Puffs out chest) So: you both know why I’m here.

Bird 1: Oh yes, tee-hee-hee!

Bird 4: Allow me to… prove my worth to you, then.  Ahem.  (Flings wings open wide to display striking colors and starts to tap dance without tap shoes) Ta – da – da – da, ta – da – da – da – da, da – da – da – da – DA!  Da – da – da – da –

Bird 3: (Finally shakes off Bird 1) All right, that’s enough.  (Starts waving wings at Bird 4) Hey – hey buddy –

Bird 4: – da – da – da – da –

Bird 3: COOL IT!

Bird 4: (Stops suddenly and lowers wings) Not your thing?  I’ve gotten a dozen other varieties I can show you instead – it’s my first mating season, so I’m a little nervous as you probably can tell, heh-heh-heh.

Bird 3: (Grabs Bird 4 around the head) Listen: don’t degrade yourself like this just because everyone makes you think that your only purpose in life is to make multiple versions of yourself!

Bird 4: It’s… not?

Bird 3: (Releases Bird 4’s head) Yes!  You are more than a gene carrier!

Bird 4: Oh, I know: I have to protect and provide for my mate and chicks, too.  Which I think you’ll see I am more than adequate in that area with my next performance, ahem.  (Flings open wings and begins to dance again)

Bird 3: No-no-no!

Bird 4: (Stops dancing and lowers wings) No good?  How about this, then?  (Starts to raise wings again)

Bird 3: (Reaches out to lower Bird 4’s wings) What I mean is, life is more than making babies!

Bird 4: (Slowly blinks) I don’t understand.

Bird 3: Tell me, you’re, what, a few months old, right?

Bird 4: (Puffs out chest again) Just turned six months yesterday.

Bird 3: You have so much of your life ahead of you!  So much of the world to explore, outside of this one square mile we’ve trapped ourselves in!  Yes, it’s dangerous out there, and yes, we won’t be happy all the time, but at least we’ll have lived!  And then, if you still want to have babies after that, by all means, have all the babies you want!  Your dances were amazing; I’m sure any other female would gladly pick you as an acceptable co-parent!

Bird 4: Really?  You think so?

Bird 3: Definitely!  And if after experiencing life you decide not to have babies, that’s fine too!  Plenty of others will pick up the slack; one or two of us won’t be missed in the grand scheme of things!

Bird 4: Wow.  That all sounds pretty awesome now that I think about it.  (Nods definitively) You know what?  That’s exactly what I’m gonna do!

Bird 3: Great!

Bird 4: (Facing the sky) Look out, world!  Here I come!  (Flies away triumphantly, narrowly escaping a nearby hawk)

Bird 1: (Glares at Bird 3) Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, now you’re recruiting?!

Bird 3: (Laughs) Relax, Mother: I’m flying off to my all-inclusive migration now, so you don’t have to worry about me influencing anyone else.  (Hugs Bird 1, who hugs her back) See you next spring!  (Flies east)

Bird 1: (Sighs while watching Bird 3 recede into the distance) Never thought this’d be the way she’d finally leave the nest.  (Eyes widen in realization) Mother was right: I really did have a fledgling who grew up to be just like me!