Story 199: Faux Celebrity Hook-Up

Celebrity A was relaxing on her deck chair for the first time in almost a year, catching up on a backlog of book reviews that she had been meaning to read, when her phone rang.  She could not figure out why the name that appeared would be calling – did she owe him money?

“Hi?”  She answered, cringing.

“Hey, how’s it going?”  Celebrity B certainly sounded chipper.

“Quietly, thanks.”  Remembering that she had not seen in him years and so he probably would not be extorting her now, she began splitting her attention back to flipping through book reviews.  “How’ve you been?”

“Not bad, same old, you know.”

“Mm-hmm.”  Flip, flip.

“Listen, reason why I’m calling: you seeing anybody right now?”

She almost dropped the magazine.  “What?!”

“Sorry, I didn’t word that right: are you dating or planning to date anybody now or in the near future?”

“What, no, why, what, who, why – ?”

“Great, that’s perfect – would you be interested in fake hooking up?  With me, I mean.”

“What, where – ?”

“It’d be purely for the publicity; I wouldn’t expect anything, you know, real.  Unless you’d want – ”

“I cannot believe we’re having this conversation; you barely spoke a word to me on the set and that was two years ago!”  She now regretted having exchanged numbers for “possible future projects.”

“Three, actually.”

“Wow, has it been that long already?”

“Yeah, I remember because it was right before I broke my arm.”

“Oh right – how’s that healed, by the way?”

“Not too bad, but now I know whenever it’s gonna rain.”

“Heh, my mom was like that.”

“Soooo… whaddya think?”

“What, about the fake hook-up?”  She had resumed skimming the reviews – where was that one everyone was talking about, Girl Stuck in a Predicament or something like that?  “What for?  What’s in it for you?  What’s in it for me?”

“Well, funny story – ” she knew it wouldn’t be – “my career’s in a bit of a slump right now; did you hear about my last movie?”

“Which one was that?”

“Idiots and Devils.”

“Oooh, yeah, I heard that was pretty stupid.  Sorry.”

“Yeah, my agent told me I shouldn’t do it, but I don’t like turning things down now that they’re actually being offered to me, and now after one bad movie suddenly I’m box office poison!”

“That stinks, but I’m sure you’ll get over it with your next one.”

“Yeahhhh, the next one is Garbage.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“No, that’s literally the title.”

“Wait, is that the one with the horrible – ”

“Yes!  You see my problem here?  The movie’s already bombed and it’s still in post!”

“That’s too bad.  How about doing an outdoor Shakespeare festival or something, that’s usually good damage control.”

“That isn’t scheduled until the fall!  I need help now!”

“Oh.  And you think announcing that you’re dating me will somehow earn back a few ticket buyers’ good will?”

“Couldn’t hurt.”

“I’m so flattered.”

“Sorry, that came out all wrong.  I just figured, pretty much everybody likes you, and if they see someone they believe has good taste choose someone like me, then the someone like me – who is me – must still be all right, and let’s go see his movie, hm?  And buy from his clothing line.”

“Aha!”

“That’s all, I swear – there’s a launch party coming up next week and it would be a huge boost if you were my date to that.”

“Again, what’s in it for meeee?”

“…Free ticket to the party?”

“Bye.”

“Wait!  I’m sure you have some event coming up; wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to talk to who isn’t press?”

“I do; I already invited my sister.”

“Aw, that’s nice.  Ooh, how about we take a yacht to the Caribbean?  I’ll lie around the deck with my top off while you snack on caviar, and that’ll take care of everything!”

“And who’s paying for this yacht?”

“I actually was hoping we could split it 40/60 – I’m waiting for some returns on international sales, so I should be able to pay you back next quarter.”

“You know, you seem like a nice guy, but for some reason I can’t put my finger on, I’m just not feeling any chemistry between our characters, and I’m unfortunately certain that our audience will agree.”

“Don’t say that, we’d get along great!  Plus you’re one of the few people I know who’s shorter than I am, so we’d look perfect together!”

“Listen – ”

“A charity fundraiser?  An opera gala?  A club opening?  Zip lining through Central Park?  I’ll do anything, please!”

“Wow, things must be really bad.  So how many people did you call before me?”

“Five, but you’re the one I saved for last because I like you the best!”

“That doesn’t make any sense if one of the others had said ‘yes.’”

“Oh, right.  So what do you say?”

“Opera gala, no PDA, and we break up in a month.”

“Could you make that four months?  If it happens right after my next flop I’ll look like a total loser.”

“Three months.  And you are completely responsible for the paparazzi staying away from my house.”

“No promises, but once we break up they’ll lose interest if they never really bothered you before.  You don’t know what this means to me – I owe you big time!”

“You certainly do: I also want you plugging all of my projects for the rest of your life.”

“Oh good; I was afraid you were about to ask for money.”

THREE MONTHS LATER

            Celebrity A was getting ready to head out to the set of her latest movie, adjusting the blackout shades on the windows and ignoring the group hovering outside, when Celebrity B called her.

            “What’s up, hon?” she answered.  She couldn’t wait for him to go back to his own little word: his once-endearing insecurity had become extremely irritating.

            “Hey, just wanted to run this by you first: I know we’re breaking up tomorrow, but I was thinking both our careers would get such a boost if we actually got married – ”

            “Another word out of you and I’m telling the stalkers outside that you are a big fat liar who made all this up.”

            “….”

            “Good.”

            Celebrity A went on to make movies championing human rights, and Celebrity B discovered that he had a better career doing Shakespeare plays than he did trying to be a movie star.  Sometimes it takes a very convoluted way to get where you need to be.