Host:
Welcome, friends, to today’s installment of Are You Meant for Each Other, or
Is This All Just a Waste of Time?
The premise is simple: sure, you two have fun going to the bar; you have
a ball at the multiplex; you feel the magic in the air at the local rave; but,
do you have what it takes for the long haul in the unforgiving decathlon that
is called “Life”? In previous episodes,
we have tossed couples into the jaws of every conceivable trial that involves
some form of teamwork: we have had them mountain climbing; we have had them
tandem biking; we have had them selling solar panel installations door-to-door;
this time, my friends, we have three couples whose compatibility, physical
endurance, and ability to follow directions will be put to the ultimate test as
they embark upon: tandem kayaking in gentle waters.
Tour
Guide: (In a solo kayak, at rest in a creek surrounded by marshland) During the
summer, I take tourists out to see the osprey nests and the overgrown railroad
tracks and all the docked yachts nobody can afford; most of them go in solo kayaks
`cause it’s, you know, easier. This
should be interesting. (Leads the three
couples in their tandem kayaks away from the dock and into the creek)
Host:
(Standing at the edge of the dock) And they’re off, happy as the clams you find
in out in the bay, each secure in the knowledge of their love and the sense of
their own physical fitness.
Tour
Guide: (To the three couples) So first, I’m going to take all y’all through the
creek and give you a few nature lessons that are sorely needed. (Couple 1 begin turning too far to the left)
Just stick your paddle in the water and push forward like I showed you
earlier. (The paddle is dropped into the
water)
Host:
(Standing on a paddle board) There you have it: already there appears to be trouble
in paradise as the rear paddler attempts to whack the front paddler upside the
head and also drops their paddle into the drink. Fortunately for our budget, the water here
has a depth of 5 feet.
(Couple
2 crash into the Tour Guide’s kayak)
Host:
And there it is, our first collision – thankfully, all participants remain
inside their vessels and the drenching is mild.
Up ahead, Couple 3 appear to be doing extremely well with excellent form,
nice synchronous movements – it is almost as if they are in the disgusting
mushy stage of the relationship where they practically read other’s
thoughts. Let’s throw a few obstacles at
them, shall we?
(Couple
3 smoothly round a bend and come upon a swarm of paddle boarders, other random kayakers,
and a few inner-tubers)
Host:
Here we are, folks, our first true test of this promising couple’s future. Will they be able to navigate around these
thoughtless faux surfers, aqua adventurers, and extreme yoga enthusiasts, and
emerge at the other side still able to speak to one another, or will they
simply knock over all these clowns?
(Couple
3 swing to the far right to go around the group and accidentally beach themselves
on the marsh grass)
Host:
Oh no, and they were doing so well! Plus
now there’ll probably be a fine for marsh damage! Let’s see if the cracks in the immaculate
foundation of this previously contended crew have begun. (Hops from the paddle board to a motorboat
and putters over to them) As we approach
cautiously, we should be able to hear which one blames the other for this
metaphorical catastrophe.
(As
the Host arrives, it is seen that Couple 3 are looking at the tiny crabs that
had emerged from the disturbed marsh)
Host:
Hm, they appear to be appreciating this unexpected detour. (Couple 3 laugh, then use the paddles to free
themselves from the mud and continue on their way) And they have resumed their
journey, in these waters and in their lives.
Now they’ve become uninteresting, let’s check in on how the others are
doing, hm?
(Motors
back a bit and sees that Couple 1 are zigzagging their way through the creek as
they overcompensate on each attempt to keep the kayak straight)
Host:
Progress is progress, I suppose.
(Couple
2 have crashed through the other groups of water tourists, capsizing them and yelling
at each other)
Host:
Oh dear. (To someone off-camera) Does
our insurance cover something like this?
Tour
Guide: (To all three Couples) All right, if you guys want you can follow me out
into the harbor for the last half-hour of the tour.
(Without
a word to each other, Couple 1 jump out of their kayak, pick it up, and carry
it over their heads back to the dock by walking through the shallow creek)
Host:
I suppose having the same idea counts for something.
(Couple
2 stop dead in the water to argue for the rest of the show)
Host:
Seems about right.
(Couple
3 continue paddling gracefully through the harbor, enjoying the scenery and not
overtaxing themselves as they complete the tour)
Host:
Ah, there they go, as beautifully as a song.
I think these kids’ll make it.
(Turns back to the camera) Well, that’s all for today’s episode of AYMFEO,OITAJAWOT? Thank you for joining us; please tune in next
week when we take three new couples out on a HALO jump. Until then, please enjoy the credits as we
tow Couple 2 back to the dock and search for Couple 1, who seem to have made
off with the gear.
