Story 244: Which Roads Did You Take to Get Here?

            (Setting: New Jersey)

            Guest 1: (Sits down in a rush, speaking low) Hey.

            Guest 2: (Sitting nearby, also speaking low) Oh hey, how are you?

            Guest 1: (Takes off coat) Got stuck in traffic; didn’t mean to get here so late.

          Guest 2: That’s all right, there’s no set time to show up at these things.  (After Guest 1 is settled) Which roads did you take to get here?

            Guest 1: Oh, mainly Parkway South.

            Guest 2: (Nearly chokes) What on Earth would you do a thing like that for?!

            Guest 1: It’s the most direct way, the exit’s right over here, what was I supposed to take?

           Guest 2: Anything other than that!  Parkway South, on a Friday afternoon, in the summer, is commuter suicide, and you deliberately chose it when there are literally a dozen other routes to get here that a resident like you should know by now.  I should make you turn in your “Local” card.

            Guest 1: Ha, ha; how’d you get here then, if you’re so backroads-savvy?

           Guest 2: (Starts gesticulating to demonstrate) Well, I’m right off of Route 34, which is a gift from Heaven this time of year, so I took 34 South all the way to Route 138, then over to Route 35, cut across to Route 71, took that until it intersected with this street, then took the roundabout to the cross street so I could park five blocks away from here and get right on the highway later.  Easy peasy!

            Guest 1: Sounds unnecessarily convoluted.  I just took Parkway South and got off right over here.

            Guest 2: Yeah, and paid for it dearly, and I don’t just mean tolls.  How long did it take you to crawl the 20 miles down here with the rest of the Shore Traffic?

            Guest 1: …Two hours.

            Guest 2: Ha!  Forty-five minutes.

            Guest 1: It wasn’t just the traffic, OK?  There was an accident everyone had to stop and stare at!

            Guest 2: Wouldn’t have gotten that on Route 34.

            Guest 1: No, they probably would have closed off the entire road and you’d’ve had to detour 10 miles around it!

            Guest 2: Still would’ve been faster than the Parkway.

            Guest 3: (Sits next to Guest 2, holding a cup of water.  To Guest 1) Hi, how’ve you been?

            Guest 1: Oh fine, just arguing about which roads are worse this time of year.

            Guest 3: Oh yeah?

            Guest 2: I’ve been explaining the folly of taking Parkway South to get here.

            Guest 3: Parkway South?  In the summer?

            Guest 2: (To Guest 1) See.

            Guest 1: It was the most direct way here!  Stop judging me!

            Guest 3: Sorry, but sometimes the fastest distance between two points is not a straight line.

            Guest 2: It’s actually “the shortest distance between two points.”

            Guest 3: (Hisses) That’s the same thing I just said!

            Guest 2: Actually –

          Guest 3: Forget it; bottom line, don’t take Parkway South this time of year at all unless it’s between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., and even then build in an extra hour just in case there’s a jackknifed tractor trailer or something.

            Guest 1: But Parkway South is the most direct!

          Guest 4: (Sitting in the row in front of them, just now turning around) I never take the Parkway in the summer.

            Guest 2: Thank you.

            Guest 1: So what do you take when you have to go a long distance south?

            Guest 4: Route 9.  (The other three stare in horror) It takes you all the way to Parkway Exit 0, and with none of the tolls.

            Guest 2: Route… 9????

            Guest 4: It’s not all bad.  Towards the end it’s actually quite lovely.

            Guest 2: Why would you willingly throw yourself into the disaster that is Route 9 all the way south, when you could just as easily take Route 34 to 35 to 70 to 539 –

            Guest 1: (To Guest 2) You know, I’m surprised you have any gas left in your car with all the circuitous routes you take in your life.

            Guest 2: I have a 10-minute daily commute and I refuse to be stuck in traffic ever again!

          Guest 4: I’ve accepted traffic as I’ve accepted taxes, but full disclosure: the only reason I happened upon Route 9 as a substitute parallel road is because I’m currently in toll payment jail.

           Guest 1: Well, stinks to be you, but I’m still taking the Parkway when it’s the most direct route.

            Guest 2: Why are you willfully ignoring the glory of bypassing that infernal morass by just taking Route 34?!

            Guest 1: Because 34 also has traffic and has four circles – who actually thought that circles instead of lights would be faster?!  And safer?!  The sudden lane-changing and non-yielding have nearly killed me every time!

            Guest 3: I prefer roundabouts myself.

            Guest 1: There are no words for you.

            Guest 5: (Approaches the group) Hi guys.

            Guests 1-4: Hey.

           Guest 5: They’re going to be wrapping up here soon, if you’d like to pay your respects one last time – ?

            Guest 1: Oh, right!  (Rushes to kneel in front of the casket)

            Guest 4: I should head over there, too – I forgot to drop off the card. (Follows Guest 1)

            (Guest 2 and Guest 3 sit in silence for a few moments)

            Guest 2: You know, Grandpa would’ve agreed with me about Route 34.

           Guest 3: I think he would’ve agreed with me in telling you to quit while you’re ahead.

Story 205: Waiting to Make a Left-Hand Turn

            7:27 a.m.

           The Driver advanced to The Intersection, the point where all roads met, where rush hour traffic never ceased, and where no quarter was given.  The left-hand signal was turned on, and the game began.

            Inch up – inch up – maybe – nope – after these three – traffic light’s red – now there’s a bunch on the right – inch up – maybe now – maybe now – maybe – maybe – maybe –

            7:39 a.m.

           “Hi, Sue?  Yeah, I’m probably going to be a little late this morning… Yep, I overslept and now I’m stuck at The Intersection…. Oh, it’s infamous around here, you can probably find news reports about it online…. Yep, that’s the one…. OK, I guess you’ll see me when you see me – oh shoot, I missed an opening!” [BEEEEEP!!!  SCREEEECH!!!!!]  “You go for it, dude!  At least one of us made it out of here.  Welp, I should go before I miss another one – it’ll happen any minute now, I just know it.”

            8:01 a.m.

            The mini-microwave dinged! at exactly the same time the mini-percolator finished dripping.  Simultaneous Completion of Hot Coffee + Morning Pizza = Serendipity.

            8:35 a.m.

           <The reason for all your suffering, the reason for all your pain; you know there could only have ever been one answer: I AM YOUR GHOST.>

          “Whoooooooa,” The Driver breathed while watching the screen propped in front of the steering wheel.  “Glad I missed everybody talking about it this morning.”

           <Wait a minute – do you mean “your ghost” as in Dead-Me-From-The-Future, or “your ghost” as in Embodiment-of-a-Torment-That-Is-Literally-Haunting-Me?>

            <…The first one.>

            <Whoooooooa!>

            An opening!  The gas pedal was floored as the screen went flying.  Fake out: someone was just changing lanes on the main road.  Good thing the brakes recently had been replaced; the new tread marks on the ground joined the thousands previously left behind.

            9:30 a.m.

           Snoooorrrrreee – gak?  The Driver awoke to see traffic was clear in both directions and to hear the horns blaring from behind.  The car smoothly pulled out of The Intersection now that the Rush Hours were over, since everyone else was at work.

          If I my play my cards right, The Driver thought, I can do this all over again tomorrow!