Story 35: The Miracle of Flight

He watched the jet stream trail behind the steel marvel traveling faster than the speed of sound, breaking free from the grip of Earth’s gravity if only for a short while, defying all the odds in keeping its occupants alive and, simultaneously, in one piece.

He was in no mood to reflect on this wondrous event as he heard his name not being called by the gate attendant for the third flight in a row.

Stand-by is cheaper, but he learned once again the life lesson that you get what you pay for.

He smacked the arm of his chair in the waiting area.  “It’s a scam, I tell you, a dirty rotten scam!”

“Yes, dearie.”  His traveling companion offered her standard response that silenced him each time he came out with that remark, then fell back asleep.

Cursing his first-world problems, he stalked off to the nearest fast food outlet.  Luckily for him, there are no lines at 2:30 in the morning.

“Could I have the #7, double cheese, double onion, double sauce, double bun, and double lettuce?”

“Sure, but it’ll be double cost.”

“Fine – and a double coffee with cream to go with it.”

“Won’t have cream until 5:00 – I can give you some milk instead.”

“Fine, double milk.”  As he took out his wallet, he muttered, “No flight, no cream – I’ve travelled back to the Stone Age.”

He brought his tray of early morning snacks back to the waiting area.

“Did you get me anything?”

“Argh!!  What would you like?”

“Nothing – it’s not even time for breakfast and you’ve already ordered dinner!  You’re gonna be sick!”

Through a full mouth: “I’m sick already – this is my medicine.”

15 hours later….

“Didn’t you bring a razor?  You’ve got a beard that looks terrible on you.”

“I had to put it in my checked bag.  I don’t get why they don’t let you carry razors onto planes anymore.”

“That’s ridiculous – they let my razor go through Security.”  She started to pull out hers from her handbag.

“Put that away!”  In a whisper:  “Can I borrow it later?”

“Maybe.”

20 hours later….

“Excuse me?”  He asked the gate attendant who was momentarily taken aback by the disheveled-looking slob in front of her.  “Could you check whether there are any seats available for us on the next flight?”

She looked.  “That flight seems full, too, sir, but there’s always the chance of last-minute no-shows.  Would you like me to try converting your tickets to reserve seats on the next flight or for you to go to another destination?”

“No!  No more fees!  We are going to get on a plane at this gate on this airline to the city we originally planned for the price I originally paid if we have to wait here for the rest of our lives!”

His travelling companion had come up to the counter in the meantime.  “It may take the rest of mine – could we convert the stand-bys to real tickets, please?  I’ll charge the difference.”

“We can’t let them win!”

“You’re a mess – life has already won.  Now go be less of a disappointment back at our seats.”  He slumped back to his chair and softly wept.

The gate attendant processed the transaction.  “I see this all the time – flight delays and overbookings are really trying.”

“I don’t mind it so much.  My grandson’s the one who always has a fit of pique when he has to wait more than five minutes for anything, and he thinks paying for convenience is a sign of weakness.”

Story 34: The Round Table

Every day, the four of them met for a few moments during their lunch half-hour.  Cigarette breaks were no longer approved and coffee breaks were relegated to a laugh in the face, so they had to sneak their time in this way.  They would assemble for five minutes, then separate to spend the precious remaining 25 as they chose.  One of the round tables in the cafeteria fit their needs nicely.

Worker 1: I almost got fired again today.

Workers 2 & 3: Aw….

Worker 1: I just got another warning instead.  I think my boss is afraid I’ll burn the shared drive if I’m let go.

Worker 3: Guess that’s a good thing to let her think.  I'll have to remember that.

Worker 1: (To Worker 4) Why are you so quiet?

Worker 4: I’m trying to will myself into having an aneurysm.

Worker 2: Don’t do that!  What if it doesn’t work right and you wind up a fully conscious immobile?

Worker 4:  I didn’t think of that.  Thank you – you've saved me and my health proxy a lot of trouble.

Worker 1: Are you still trying to kill yourself?

Worker 4: No, I’m still trying to achieve a state of oblivion: there’s a difference.

Worker 2: I don’t understand – why would you want to be in a state of oblivion?

Worker 4: Why not?  It’s not like my life has an impact on anything.  Good people drop like flies all around me, and I’m still here taking up space – why is that?

Worker 3: Maybe you’re supposed to do something with your life and make the world a better place.

Worker 4: Well, I’ve been here for decades and still haven’t done any of that, so why continue consuming dwindling resources is my theory.

Worker 1: Maybe the act of your willing oblivion is actually deflecting onto other people and that’s why they’re gone and you’re still here.

Worker 4: You make a good point.  My resolve remains, however.

Worker 2: I still don’t understand – you have good health, freedoms people literally die for, the use of all your faculties, and other blessings that people pray every day they would have and never receive, and you want just to toss all that away.  You are the biggest ingrate I have ever met in my entire life!

Worker 4: And yet another reason why my blessings should be distributed to people who’ll do some good with them.

Worker 1: (Looks at watch) This is the first time I’m glad our time’s up.  Same time tomorrow, then?

Workers 2-4: Sure, sure.

Worker 4: (As they scatter) Suppose I should hold off on the willing for a little while longer – I forgot my show’s series finale isn’t on for another two weeks.

Worker 2: Yes, that’s a worthy goal in life.  Would you do us all a favor and volunteer at a soup kitchen, please?

Worker 4: All right, but only if it'll make you happy.

Story 33: Neat Freak Thief

News Anchor: Good evening.  Tonight, we enter Week 5 in the nationwide hunt for the perpetrator in a string of home burglaries that have swept domiciles from coast to coast.  To recap, valuables such as electronics and jewelry have been stolen, and the homes broken into appear to have no similarities to each other in value, color, height, or weight.  The one unifying factor in all these crimes is this: other than the thefts, the houses have been left absolutely spotless.

(Clips of interviews)

Victim #3: I admit it: I hadn’t cleaned the ceilings in years.  After we were robbed, I looked up to Heaven to ask God, “Why?!”, and I saw that it was now a shade of white it hadn’t been since we’d moved in a decade ago.  All the silverware was gone, but I didn’t need to do any housekeeping for a week.

Victim #7: I was ashamed of anyone using our bathroom due to the mold problem; we’d even started going to the doctor about it when the tub turned a weird shade of black and green.  I’ve gotta say – having our T.V.s and stereo system stolen has been the best thing that ever happened to us, health-wise.

Victim #1: She’s a blessing in disguise.  It has to be a “she” – only a woman would think to dust the tops of the doors.

Victim #10: I don’t care about the jewels – they were insured for twice their value, so I think I’m actually the winner here.  Also, I no longer need to feel embarrassed about the carpet being three different shades of beige now that it's been thoroughly shampooed.  Thanks, Neat Freak Thief!

News Anchor: There you have it: Thanks, indeed, from a nation of grateful homeowners.  Doors and windows everywhere are now being left open in hopes that someday she’ll appear, like some thieving Santa Claus maid.  In breaking news, I have just discovered that all the cash in my wallet is gone and my desk is now lemony fresh.  On that note, America, good night, and stay clean.