Thursday, May 22, 2014

Story 33: Neat Freak Thief

News Anchor: Good evening.  Tonight, we enter Week 5 in the nationwide hunt for the perpetrator in a string of home burglaries that have swept domiciles from coast to coast.  To recap, valuables such as electronics and jewelry have been stolen, and the homes broken into appear to have no similarities to each other in value, color, height, or weight.  The one unifying factor in all these crimes is this: other than the thefts, the houses have been left absolutely spotless.
(Clips of interviews)
Victim #3: I admit it: I hadn’t cleaned the ceilings in years.  After we were robbed, I looked up to Heaven to ask God, “Why?!”, and I saw that it was now a shade of white it hadn’t been since we’d moved in a decade ago.  All the silverware was gone, but I didn’t need to do any housekeeping for a week.
Victim #7: I was ashamed of anyone using our bathroom due to the mold problem; we’d even started going to the doctor about it when the tub turned a weird shade of black and green.  I’ve gotta say – having our T.V.s and stereo system stolen has been the best thing that ever happened to us, health-wise.
Victim #1: She’s a blessing in disguise.  It has to be a “she” – only a woman would think to dust the tops of the doors.
Victim #10: I don’t care about the jewels – they were insured for twice their value, so I think I’m actually the winner here.  Also, I no longer need to feel embarrassed about the carpet being three different shades of beige now that it's been thoroughly shampooed.  Thanks, Neat Freak Thief!
News Anchor: There you have it: Thanks, indeed, from a nation of grateful homeowners.  Doors and windows everywhere are now being left open in hopes that someday she’ll appear, like some thieving Santa Claus maid.  In breaking news, I have just discovered that all the cash in my wallet is gone and my desk is now lemony fresh.  On that note, America, good night, and stay clean.