Employee
shuddered as Boss rolled into her office.
“Hi – what’s up?”
“Oh,
I don’t know, EVERYTHING!” Boss said as
she dropped a pile of papers on the desk.
“This is a mess. Clean it up.”
“It
was fine when I sent it in – ”
“Well
it’s not now!” Boss practically
shrieked. “This is unacceptable! You’re lucky you still have a job! And your desk is absolutely filthy!” Boss swept her arm across Employee’s desk to
knock everything excluding the computer and including the phone onto the
floor. “I don’t know how you get
anything done. Tool!” She left on roller skates.
That
night, Employee called Friend.
“I
always say I can’t take it anymore, but I can’t quit! Can I call in sick, every day, until I
retire?”
“I
have a better idea,” Friend said.
THE
NEXT DAY
Boss
strolled on foot into Employee’s office.
“So, I heard rumors that you actually leave your desk for lunch and WHO THE
BLAZES ARE YOU?!”
Friend
was sitting with her hands folded at Employee’s desk. “I’m Employee today. Whatever you want to say to her, you can say
to me.”
“Oh?”
“Certainly. Feel free to continue your thought.”
“OK...
oh yeah: I can’t be having my workers thinking they can just pick up and leave
whenever they feel like it! I don’t know
how seriously you take this job, missy, but the quality of your work speaks for
itself when you whiningly insist upon such things as ‘bathroom breaks,’ and ‘eating,’
and ‘leaving on time.’ Who do you think
you are?! I think you think you’re
me. Well, you can’t be me, because I’m
the boss! Which you can never be,
ever! And while we’re on the subject – ”
“Are
you finished?”
“I
– clearly not!”
Friend
stood. “Sit down.” Boss sat on the floor. “Here is the reality you cannot see: you are
inadequate. You do nothing substantial
with your life except yell at people because you feel like garbage. I hacked into your computer this morning and found cat and celebrity videos in your browser history, so you obviously are the
only one not really working in this office.
My guess is that no one likes you, and they’re not so much afraid of you
as irritated by you, as one would be by a fly that constantly buzzes around one's ears.
Think of this, if you would: people wish you would vanish in a puff of
smoke when you enter a room, and feel the sweet relief that is freedom when you
depart. You have no friends, and you’ll
probably be terminated by upper management next quarter, and then what will you
do with your loathsome self? You can go
now.”
Boss
fell out the door.
THE
NEXT DAY
Employee
sat apprehensively at her desk as Boss peeked around the corner.
“Oh,
it’s just you," Boss said as she came in. "Um, I wanted to say, I
think we’ve been getting off on the wrong foot for the past three years. I know you work hard and you do good things
here; I’m just under a lot of stress from higher up to meet our goals, you
know?”
“Uh-huh.”
“OK,
thanks, well, glad we got that out of the way!” Boss stood to leave, headed towards the door,
and turned back. “Oh, one little thing:
when you’re talking to clients, don’t be so courteous and polite to them. I know it’s good customer service, but you’re
not being paid to gab here, and you’re too nice to them, and – ”
Friend
appeared behind Boss. “Sorry, I missed
that last bit, what were you saying just now?”
Boss
screamed and ran down the hall to hide in her office.
Employee
smiled at Friend. “Thanks for all that,
you’re a lifesaver!”
“Sure!” Friend said.
“I’m available 24/7 – anyone else here you think needs me?”
“Possibly
Boss when her boss calls her in, ironically enough. The cycle never ends.”
