Story 117: Author Interview

            Host: We’re in the studio today with our guest, author ---- ------.  Thank you for joining us today; such a pleasure.

            Author: Thank you.  You’ll soon come to see that the pleasure is all mine.

           Host: …So, your new book was just released yesterday and has been described quite forcefully by a number of critics.  Several have been quoted as stating that your book is “an insult to anyone and everyone’s intelligence,” “dreck,” “desecration to the memory of the trees that were sacrificed to print this abomination,” and, the old chestnut, “offensive to humanity.”  Pretty harsh reviews, I’d say.

            Author: And you’d be right.

            Host: Now, what is your response to all this criticism?  One newspaper had a two-page feature where the reviewer proposed that you, and I quote, “were unleashing disgust upon the world in apparently the only way the author knew how: the written word.  The grammatically incorrect written word, it must be added.”  Now, how does one respond to this vitriol?

            Author: Well, there really is only one response.  (Faces the main camera) You are all correct.  I wrote this book specifically to insult your intelligence.  My plot holes and nonsensical twists and turns were all created purposefully to drive you mad with impotent rage.  I gleefully crafted a vile mess of unintelligible garbage just so you would regret paying my publisher $27.95 for the unpleasantness.

            Host: (Laughs uncertainly) Yes, that’ll stick it to them.

          Author: I am deadly serious.  I wrote solely to offend the senses and repay my fans’ years of loyal patronage with faulty product.  If I could reach through the pages of each copy of the book and slap every reader in the face, I would.  In the meantime, I have to settle for the same effect in a metaphorical sense.

            Host: Uhhh... why are you saying all this?  People could have forgiven a well-intentioned misfire, but you have just now completely destroyed your career, the public’s goodwill, and quite possibly your personal safety, all in the span of less than a minute.

          Author: Because if they think I wrote this horribly by accident, their contempt would overwhelm me.  Now that they know it was all part of the plan, they admire my bravery for letting it all out there.

            Studio Audience: Boooo!!! (Paper airplanes are thrown in disdain)

            Host: No one likes being played, now get off my stage.

          Author: (Exiting) You all talk big, but you know you won’t resist my next book: Yes I Still Write and Yes I Still Don’t Like You!

            Host: Ooh, when’s it coming out?