Story 116: That’s Not How It Happened in the Book

            (The two sisters settle on the couch to watch the movie)

            Sister 1: I really think you’re gonna like this – the book it’s based on was great!

Sister 2: I remember when you were reading it, and it sounded like a movie already.

            Sister 1: Yeah, the author practically wrote a screenplay.  I bet she was angling for it to be a movie all along; they probably didn’t even have to tweak it that much to film it.  I really can’t wait for – no, you’ll see.  (She smiles the smug insider information smile)  Let me just say it’ll be awesome.

            Sister 2: The suspense is killing me!

            0:15:33

            Sister 2: Was the book this…?

            Sister 1: Slow?  Tedious?  Plodding?  Pedantic?

            Sister 2: I was going to say “deliberate” – at least in the beginning?

            Sister 1: No.  The treasure was stolen by now.

            Sister 2: What treasure?

            Sister 1: Exactly.  My stomach is brewing a horrible feeling of foreboding.

            0:37:22

            Sister 2: I’m confused: are those two twins?

            Sister 1: No they are not.

            Sister 2: Then why do they look alike and keep trading places as if we wouldn’t notice?

            Sister 1: Your guess is as good as mine.  It adds nothing to the primary storyline.  It’s not even entertaining as a secondary storyline.  I think the actors are the star’s nephews, so that may explain everything.

            0:45:00

            Sister 2: I don’t like this guy.  He has annoying mannerisms and keeps hogging screen time.

          Sister 1: Especially since “he” should be a “she” who had a tragic backstory and a pivotal contribution to the story.  Now, though, this character is just nothing.

            Sister 2: I wouldn’t say “nothing,” just “irritating.”

            Sister 1: Even worse.

            1:03:07

           Sister 2: Wait a minute – is she dead?!  That doesn’t make any sense!  There was such build-up to her being the one to deliver the medicine and save the soldiers!  Did she die in the book, too?

          Sister 1: (Speaks around the couch pillow she is shredding with her teeth in rage) I’m sorry, what?

            Sister 2: Never mind.

            1:35:25

            Sister 2: I’d say the romance is sweet, if it hadn’t come out of nowhere.

            Sister 1: That.  It.  Did.  And so did those two characters.

            2:05:17

           Sister 2: Wait, that’s it?  It’s over?  What happened to the prisoners?  Where did the evil secret agent go?  Why did that moon explode?  Are they actually making a sequel to this pointless plot?  What are you doing?

         Sister 1: Checking online for the name of whoever Frankensteined this abomination of a screenplay so I can wreak my vengeance upon him, her, or them by flame war…. Oh no!  The author wrote the screenplay?  Oh author, how could you destroy your creation in such an awfully spectacular fashion?!

            Sister 2: Maybe she wanted to be remembered forever for ruining her own story?

            Sister 1: I’d disagree, but it’s hard to argue with the evidence.

Story 115: New Year?

            “I can’t wait for the New Year to begin and this one to finally end,” she said as she sat at the bar.  “I have so many resolutions that I want to see if I’m able to keep them this year.”

            “Hm,” the man sitting next to her said.  “You know, in some religions and cultures, the New Year already happened, so you missed it.”

            “What?!”

          “Well, if you celebrate Samhain in the northern hemisphere, New Year was back on Halloween.  You’re two months late – way to go.”

            “Yeah, I’m not an ancient Druid, so I think I’m OK.”

            “It’s not just ancient Druids who celebrate – ”

            “And eating all that candy would have totally ruined my resolution to lose 100 lbs. in a day.”

            “That’s physically impossible.  You know, if you were Hindu, Diwali’s been and gone twice now in October and November, depending on what region you’re in.  You’ve lost multiple opportunities at this rate.”

            “Was that what all those lights I saw were about?  When did they have the ball drop?”

            “…You know, you also missed the Islamic New Year on the first day of Muharram back in October, and the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah, also back in October.  October was a really happening month this year.”

            “No, no, no!  How can the Georgian calendar be so far behind everyone else’s?  How can we be missing what the Earth is clearly telling us is happening all the time?!”

            “Very easily in your case.  But don’t worry: the next Chinese New Year isn’t until February, so you can wait until then if you want to really take your time doing any resolving.”

            “That’s two months too late!  That’s as bad as me missing Samhain!”

            “I thought you weren’t an ancient Druid.”

            “What did I know?!  All I know for sure is that all my resolutions have failed before they’ve even begun!”

            “Here, have a drink, you’ll feel better.”

            “That was one of my resolutions not to do anymore!”

            …3…2…1…Happy New Year!

            “OK, you can start them now if you want.”

            “It’s already been New Year’s for hours everywhere else in the world east of here!”

            “Well, this has been fun, but I’ve gotta head out now.”

            “Wait!  Don’t you want to keep celebrating whichever New Year this is?”

            “Lady, my cab’s here, and you need to find some real friends and go home.”

            “I can’t leave yet, I’m the bartender!”

Story 114: Night of Silence

            “Traffic was the usual nightmare – why is there only one road and only one bridge leading to the same place where everybody’s goin’?”

            “Whose room is everybody’s coats going in?  Last year I couldn’t find my scarf when we were leaving.”

            “Did you say ‘Thank you for the sweater’ to Grandma?  Go say ‘Thank you’ now!”

            “I know we’re the grandkids, but we’re all in our 30s and 40s – why do we still have to sit at the kiddie table?”

            “I need a drink.  Somebody turn on the game before my head explodes.”

            “Everybody sit down and eat!  Why is no one sitting?!”

            “Mommy, he’s looking at me!”

            “Stop looking at your sister or else Santa’ll take back all your presents!”

            “So, Santa didn’t get me a cruise to the Caribbean, again.”

            “Who’s missing?  Is she still sick?  I’ll make up a container for her.”

            “What broke over there?!”

            “Nothing!”

            “I didn’t think I had this many dishes.”

            “Is the coffee ready yet?  I’ll bring out the fennel and fruit.”

            “She took my toy!”

            “That’s it!  Everything’s going back in the car!”

            “Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!”

            “Keep this up and it’ll all go back to the North Pole!”

            “Sniff.”

            “Coffee’s still not ready, but have some of the pastries.”

            “You guys finally made it!  How’s the traffic on the bridge now?”

            “We could’ve walked here faster.  One guy on the road certainly did.”

            “How did we run out of chairs?  I counted them this morning.”

            “We’re gonna be going – I’ve gotta work tomorrow.”

            “On a Saturday?”

            “Oh right.  Still, gotta go.”

            “Daddy, I can’t find my new doll!”

            “She’s out getting the car – I’ll go help her.”

            “Coffee’s ready!”

            “There’s only five of us left – ”

            “Drink it!”

            “Thanks for the great dinner, as always!  Good night!”

            “Safe home!  Merry Christmas!”

            “And Happy New Year!”

            “I am not cleaning all this up tonight.”

            The star shone on over the peace and quiet at last.