Thursday, January 29, 2015

Story 67: The Warrior Office Worker

            I used to have a hard time with my employees getting their work done.  Oh, they tried, their hearts were in the right place, but the bureaucracy, the clients, and the daily grind just got them down.  So I hired a warrior.
            I don’t mean a mental warrior, or a spiritual warrior, or even a peaceful warrior: I mean an actual warrior, with swords and everything (I got special approval from Legal and Security).  His attitude was great: every project was an enemy to be defeated, every telephone call was a battle, and every meeting was an opportunity for an inspiring speech.  Why, just recently, he was phenomenal on a conference call with one of our more “rambunctious” clients:
            Me: Maybe we can come to some kind of compromise here…
            Client: (Voice) No!  You either give me what I want, or our contract’s null and void!
            Warrior: What you want is immaterial.  What you need is life.  Life is all there is and all that is necessary: so it was and so it shall be forevermore.
            Client: (Voice) Who is this clown?  Is he your idiot nephew?
            Warrior: I am no rustic fool, nor a sibling’s simple offspring: I am the one will be coming to your domicile to destroy you.  My sword will be engraved with your name and the hour will be midnight.
            Client: (Voice) What –
            Warrior: The negotiations are over!
            Heh-heh, after Warrior defenestrated the phone, that client called back in five minutes and we got the deal we wanted.
            Warrior also was good with the copier/fax machine/nightmare when it failed to deliver: he usually was patient, but knew just where to slam it when it acted up, which was often.
            He was best with that last budget meeting, though:
            Me: So, sales have not been doing as well as desired, and yes, that arrow is pointing drastically downward over the past two quarters, but –
            Boss: But why shouldn’t I fire you?
            Me: Uh, well –
            (A flaming arrow then pierced the presentation screen)
            Warrior: That squiggle on that glowing cloth is nothing.  All that matters is the glorious struggle and the triumph of victory.
            Boss: Since that squiggle is the agony of defeat, and you damaged company property, you’re both fired.
            Warrior defended his honor and mine by then slapping our boss’s face with a gauntlet, so now poor Warrior is in jail and I joined the ranks of the job seekers after dealing with the Fire Department.  No worries, though: I have some needed time off, and Warrior is doing just fine with his unification of the prison gangs for better exercise routines in the yards.  He really was the best employee I ever had.

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