Story 65: The Witch Department

            “Hello, thank you for calling --- Company, this call may be recorded for quality purposes, my name is Maria, how may I assist you?”

            “Yeah, I’d like to lodge a complaint – could you transfer me to the Witch Department?”

            “I’m sorry, which department?”

            “Don’t play coy with me – I’m in a witchy mood, but you sound nice and if I yell at you I’ll feel bad later, so I need to speak with a fellow witch so we can yell at each other.”

            “One moment, please.”

            “Hello, Witch Department, this is Todd.”

            “Hold on – you’re a guy?!”

            “Hey, just because I’m a guy doesn’t mean I can’t be a witch – I find that view sexist and inaccurate!”

            “Now that I think about it, most of the guys I know are witches, so I stand corrected.  Can we start over?”

            “Sure – what seems to be the problem?”

            “Well, Todd, the problem seems to be that your product is garbage and doesn’t work!”

            “Let’s back up the train a bit.  First of all, I didn’t make the thing, so it isn’t my product.”’

            “Right now, you have the awesome responsibility of speaking with the company’s voice, so yeah, it’s yours!”

            “Second, did you use the product outside of its intended purpose?”

            “Of course not!  Are you calling me an idiot?!  And why would I even admit to it if I did?”

            “Have to ask, if later it turns out you’re a liar.”

            “You – !”

            “Thirdly, did you try replacing the batteries?”

            “Ye – no I didn’t.”

            “Then maybe replace them before wasting any more of my time!”

            “You people should have put in a ‘low battery’ indicator!”

            “‘We people’ did!  Did you even look for it?!”

            “Of course I – oh, yes, there it is.  Well, it should be bigger!”

            “It should be this, it should have that: maybe it should have a brain so it can think for you, too!”

            “Oooh, I’m never buying anything from you people again!”

            “Good, then our phone lines won’t be tied up with all your non-problems!”

            “I’m telling all my friends and the media that this company is awful!”

            “You’d be the only one with that opinion, so no one would care.”

            “That’s it!  I’m throwing this thing out and I want a refund!”

            “This call is being recorded for quality purposes – so, no.”

            “Phew.  That was very satisfying.  I feel comfortable that all my options have been exhausted.  I’ll go back to using the piece of garbage.”

            “That’s good to hear.  Is there any other way that I can assist you today?”

            “No, thank you – you did splendidly.  It’s nice to yell with someone who speaks the same language of Witch.”

            “Well, like knows like.  You have a good day!”