Story 52: The Successful Telemarketer

            “And here’s Margaret, who has a success rate of 99% in her 30+ years with our company.”

            “Wow.  That’s… unbelievable.”

            “I know.  And yet it’s true.”

            “Can I listen in?”

            “Sure – Margaret, you mind if we observe you in action?”

            “Not at all – I love training new people.”  She placed a call.

            <Hello?>
            “Hello, this is ---- Charities, how are you this morning, ma’am?”

            <Oh, I don’t give to – >

            “I’m great, thanks, and I was wondering how much of a donation would you be able to give this year?”

            <But I haven’t given – >

            “Twenty-five dollars is very generous of you, ma’am – thank you so much!”

            <But – >

            “And for your kind donation today, we’re going to send you a free tote bag.”

            <…Oh, I see.>

            “I just need your credit card number so we can send that free bag right on over to you.”

            “She’s good.”

            “You have no idea.  Mind if we hear another one, Margaret?”

            “I certainly don’t mind.  You caught me at a good time.”  She placed a call.

            <Yeah?>

            “Hi, I’m calling from ---- Charities to renew your membership with us.”

            <You again; stop callin’ me!  I’m on the don’t call list – does the list mean nothing?!>

            “It does.  If you contribute $50 today, I promise I’ll never call you again.”

            <That’s extortion!  Sigh, fine, only if you’ll never call me again.>

            After disconnecting: “And now I’m forwarding this file to Rob over there to call him at this time next year.”

            “Very smooth.”

            “Thank you.”

            “Would you like to see the break room next?”

            “Ooh, is it all right if I listen to one more call?  Rule of three, you know, plus I feel that I’m in the presence of a master.”

            “Well, Margaret, if that’s OK with you?”

            “Sure!  I love an audience.”  She placed a call.

            <Mm-yell-o?>

            “Hello, this is ---- Charities, calling – ”

            <Listen, you beep-ing beep-ers call me all the beep-ing beep beep time, and I’m beep-ing sick and beep-ing tired of this beep, and you all should beep and go to beep beep beep beep BEEP!>

            “You will die alone.”  She disconnected.  “Sorry you had to hear all that, but it won’t be the last time – you just can’t win them all.”

            “Can I have your autograph?”