Story 42: The Professional Student

            I have achieved my life’s goal at last: I have been hired by my local university to be a professional student.  I am finally paid to do what I do best, which is taking notes, writing papers, and sitting for exams, month in, month out.  I take 15 credits a semester and am slowly making my way through the course catalog.  At the end of each semester, I have to submit an extra evaluation on how engaging (i.e. not boring) the professor was, how much I increased my knowledge, things of that ilk.  It gets a little tricky in the years I “major” in the sciences, especially since I barely had passed the basics on my first go-round.  Not looking forward to when I have to focus on math, either.

            My favorite classes so far have to be the ones for physical education – favorite because they’re the easiest.  Sure, I have no stamina and can’t throw a pitch to save anyone’s life, but there’s usually minimal thinking involved on my part and one paper for the one credit I “earn”.  My lowest point was when I was thrown off the volleyball team for hitting my mates every time I served, but that was fair.  I’m looking forward to when I get to take golf – I’d really like to improve my swing and stop consistently getting triple bogeys.  I also applied to be the football’s team mascot, with the best view of the games paid for only with the constant stench in the costume of mascots past.

            One downside I’ve noticed is that, as the years go by, I have less and less patience with my fellow students.  Call me an old fogie, but when they reference “The Internet” the same way one would reference “the encyclopedia”, you know their train has left the station without them.  Specificity, please!  Use journals in addition to you-know-what-ipedia!  They’re online, too!

            Anyway.  School is fun, I get all the holidays and breaks the kids do, and my future doesn’t hinge on whether I pass that final.  I even get to attend the social events for free, although I don’t fit in the student or faculty categories so I hang out with the employees.  All in all, I have found my life’s purpose: there’s something extremely satisfying in submitting papers on time and being told you did a good job.

            Everybody likes the pat on the head.