Story 165: The Art of Standing Around Awkwardly

(Scratchy VHS tape, © l986)

Title Card: SOCIAL ENCOUNTERS SEMINAR SERIES

(The host enters from stage right: in 15 years, he will be an action star in blockbuster films; at this time, he is No One)

Host: Hello!  Welcome to the thirteenth installment in the Social Encounters Seminar Series.  This one is titled “The Art of Standing Around Awkwardly.”  (That title appears at the bottom of the screen for emphasis.) I’m your host, Tad Buffman.  (Not his actual name) Now, I’m going to take you through several exercises for those situations where you feel like, well, like you just don’t fit in.  We’ve all been there, haven’t we, and some of us at this very moment, heh, heh, heh.  (He smiles widely; he still has all his original adult teeth)

(Cut to a staged cocktail party: everyone is holding plates of fake food and/or glasses of fake drinks as they nod and speak gibberish to each other)

Host: (Voiceover) Yes, we have all been that person at a party, the one who has been temporarily abandoned by their allies or, unthinkably, came alone, and is now set adrift upon the unforgiving sea of inane chatter and clock watching, conspicuous in your solitude and the target of alternating scorn and pity to all who beheld your exile.  You know, like this guy here.  (The camera suddenly pans to the most awkward-looking person imaginable: he is standing center stage staring intensely at his nearly empty plate) Look at this poor sap: not even a drink in his hand to constantly sip from, and he has just one cracker left to carry him over for the next 10 minutes before he can gracefully return to the cheeseboard.  If only he were more like this guy over here.  (The camera suddenly pans over to a very self-assured man leaning casually in the corner, holding his full plate and a glass in one hand while the other is in his pocket; he casually scans the room regularly as he slowly chews) Look at this specimen of confidence: not only is he well-supplied with food and drink, but he is utilizing them as accessories rather than as the sole and necessary objects of his attention.  Plus, observe how he boldly gazes upon the entire room, challenging anyone to judge his solitude and presenting the appearance that he actually is judging them; constantly chewing adds to the illusion of apathy.  Ooh, look at the result: five people are now joining him for what they assume will be stimulating conversation, and by the time that illusion is shattered it will be TOO LATE.

(Cut to a college classroom.  Most of the fake students are leaving – none of them are carrying books or bags.  The “professor” is packing away her belongings as two students approach from different directions; she greets the one closer to her and they babble to each other.  The other "student" steps back and starts looking around the room)

Host: (Voiceover) Has this ever been you?  Of course it has, or else you wouldn’t be watching this video right now.  Now you naturally don’t want to take away from other people’s time, but can’t they just hurry up?  What are you supposed to do with yourself when you’ve been left hanging, exposed, vulnerable, humiliated, and, worst of all, BORED?  (The Tape jumps as the scene alters slightly to show the fake professor and the fake student still babbling to each other, but the second “student” now is sitting stretched across several desks, napping) The greatest learning and entertainment system can be found in our own minds, and what better way to access those centers by initiating delta waves, aka falling asleep?  Not only are you then constantly stimulated but you also are not beholden to the whims of others – they instead must beg you for your attention.  (The “professor” and “student” part, and the former wakes up the second “student” by dropping a heavy book on the desk next to her head) You can honestly claim that you were storing the day’s lesson in your long-term memory in the most efficient method possible: REM sleep.

(Cut to a long line to purchase tickets; a sign at the box office reads: DAYS TO TICKET SALES FOR BLOCKBUSTER: 2)

Host: (Strolls into view from stage right) Have you ever joined your fellows in a literally days-long line and wished that you had been better prepared for the ordeal? Wait, that’s for another seminar, never mind.

(Static, then cut to the Host back in the opening plain room)

Host: Normally, there should be at least three examples to drive home a lesson, but frankly we have exceeded our time limit and budget for this installment.  There should be more than enough material here for you to figure out how to deal with these situations on your own, and if not, then you are far worse off than any self-help tape can fix.  Once again, I’ve been your host, Chad Marksman (Not his actual name) – please join us next on the fourteenth seminar in this series, “The Art of Inane Conversation."

Story 164: Invasive Home Inspection

(Two buyers wait with their real estate agent and the seller’s agent at the prospective house)

Buyer 1: We really want to have all this completed and closed by early December the latest.

Buyer 2: Yes, I have big plans for the foyer, the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, all the bedrooms, the basement, the attic – there will be decorated trees, Santa Clauses, snow families, Nativity scenes, and menorahs everywhere.

Buyers’ Agent: How lovely!  (Mutters to Seller’s Agent) I should have just shown them a Santa’s Village.

Seller’s Agent: (To Buyers) So, I know you had some repair requests with the initial inspection, but what in particular did you want checked on this inspection?

Buyer 2: Oh, everything.

Seller’s Agent: Every thing?

Buyer 1: You know damage can hide anywhere, not to mention sleeper-agent asbestos and those pesky wood-boring insects.

Buyer’s Agent: Actually, the report mentioned that the house has been treated for termites and they regularly check for pests –

Buyer 1: HA!  Knew they were around.

(There is a banging on the front door: Seller’s Agent opens it to reveal a slovenly looking man carrying a lot of equipment)

Inspector: You all here for the Invasive Home Inspection?

Buyer 2: Yes, thank you.

(Inspector and the group stare at each other for a few moments)

Inspector: All right then.  I’ll start with the kitchen.  (He heads off for that room, starting a drill on the way)

Seller’s Agent: (Following him) Um, I don’t think that my clients want – (Is drowned out by the sound of wood being ripped apart)

Buyer 1: (To Buyer’s Agent) Do you think it would be too much if I devote one entire room to the 12 Days of Christmas and another entire room to the 8 Nights of Hanukkah?  This one thinks so.  (Indicates Buyer 2)

Buyer 2: And I still say that those themes should be spread throughout the entire house, not limited to one room each!

Buyer’s Agent: That’s the spirit.

(A gigantic crash is heard from the kitchen; the other three run in to see Inspector surrounded by fallen cabinets and ripped-up floorboards)

Seller’s Agent: (On a cell phone) I couldn’t stop him – I’m starting to doubt that he’s even licensed!

Buyer’s Agent: (To Inspector) What are you doing?!

Inspector: (Stops, holding a floorboard in the air) Inspecting.

Buyer 1: My word, man, don’t destroy the place before we even get a chance to live in it!

Inspector: (Climbs out of a hole in the floor) Listen, how else am I supposed to check whether there’s any damage behind the walls and under the floors if I don’t actually look behind the walls and under the floors?  You never know what could be living back there unless you tear away the protection they’re hiding behind.

Buyer 2: Surely, with modern technology, there has to be another way!  Heat-sensoring – or – something!

Inspector: What do you do for a living?

Buyer 2: … I’m in I.T. tech support.

Inspector: And do people tell you how to do your job?

Buyer 2: Yes, as a matter of fact, people loudly do so all the time!

Inspector: And they shouldn’t, because that is very rude.  (He begins jackhammering the floor)

Seller’s Agent: (Disconnects the call) All right, stop what you’re doing!  The seller just confirmed that none of this was authorized!

Inspector: (Stops the jackhammer) Sure it was.  (He pulls forms out of his back pocket, hands them to Seller’s Agent, and begins jackhammering again)

Buyer 1: (Reading the crumpled forms with the others) Oh yeah, it was.

Seller’s Agent: No recourse.  Oh, no recourse!

Inspector: (Stops jackhammering again) And good thing for you, too – just look at those little monsters.

(They all peer into the hole to see the swarm below)

All Except Inspector: Ewwwwwww….

Buyer 2: They would have destroyed our Star of Bethlehem and our Star of David!  And eaten all our food.

Seller’s Agent: I’ll be right back.  (Talks on the phone while leaving the room)

Buyers’ Agent: (Leans in towards Inspector) Find any buried treasure down there while you’re at it?

Inspector: Not yet – it wouldn’t be the first time, though.  These old houses are absolute gold mines.

Story 163: Circus of the Sol - Auditions

            (In a rundown auditorium, a harried-looking man in the fifth row is the only one sitting in the audience)

            Visionary Director: (Consulting a clipboard) All right, backstage – next!

            (Two Acrobats enter from stage right, hauling a portable trapeze set)

            Visionary Director: OK, what’s your story?

            Acrobat 1: She’s from Germany, I’m from Austria, and we –

            Visionary Director: I didn’t mean your life story, I meant what’s your shtick?

            Acrobat 2: We fly through the air with the greatest of ease.

            Visionary Director: Go ahead, then.  And for liability reasons, please note: it’s not a gimmick – there really is no money left in the budget for safety nets.

            (The Acrobats swing around for a minute, somersault through the air a bunch of times, and catch each other when they finally land)

            Visionary Director: And?

            Acrobat 1: …And that’s it.

          Visionary Director: I will offer you my parting words of wisdom: this circus is a place of magic, of wonderment, of delight, of mind-boggling and physics-defying feats of fantasy, and you just handed me garbage that anyone with all their limbs intact could do.

            Acrobat 2: (As they exit) We’ll take our amazing talents elsewhere, and good day to you!

            Visionary Director: I’m sure there's plenty of room at B.B. and the Bros.!  OK, who’s next?

            (A Unicyclist enters the stage)

            Visionary Director: Get out!

            Unicyclist: But I also juggle –

            Visionary Director: Unless you can also ride that thing up the walls and across the ceiling, it means nothing to me.  Next!

            (The Unicyclist exits and a woman holding a bow and quiver enters)

            Visionary Director: So what’s your bit?

            Contortionist: I fold my body up into impossibly small shapes and finish by firing arrows with my feet.

            Visionary Director: I’ll bite: show me what you’ve got.

            (The Contortionist does her thing)

            Visionary Director: Hmmmmm… pass.

            Contortionist: (Still folded upon herself with her feet holding the bow) Oh come on!

           Visionary Director: Listen, this show needs zip, this show needs zing, this show needs ooh, this show needs ahh, and this show needs all that kicked up to the infinite degree – there’s a reason why this is called “Circus of the Sol” and not “Circus of the So-Far-Away-I-Can-Barely-See-It-Proxima-Centauri,” do you get my drift?

            Contortionist: I also can levitate five feet mid-contortion.  (Does so)

            Visionary Director: You’re in – next!

            (The Contortionist hand-walks off the stage in glee while a Clown enters)

            Visionary Director: No clowns!

            Clown: I don’t understand – there are clowns in your shows!

            Visionary Director: Not obvious ones!  Out!

(The Clown exits, red shoes squeaking) 

Visionary Director: Next!

(A mysterious-looking trio descends from the ceiling, surrounded by silks and dry ice.  After they not-quite-land, they begin performing magic tricks)

Visionary Director: Hold it!

(The three freeze)

Visionary Director: Can you all do the exact same routine upside-down?

(The three silently consult each other, then nod in agreement)

Visionary Director: Good – you can ascend from the stage and we’ll hook you up to wires during the last third of the first act.  Just make sure you keep changing how far away from the floor you are at all times.

(The three nod in agreement)

Visionary Director: You can disappear now.

(They do)

Visionary Director: (Consulting his clipboard again) Is it too much to ask for people to make a bit of an effort to transport audience members into a world of wonder?  Performers are so lazy these days.  Next!