Story 164: Invasive Home Inspection

(Two buyers wait with their real estate agent and the seller’s agent at the prospective house)

Buyer 1: We really want to have all this completed and closed by early December the latest.

Buyer 2: Yes, I have big plans for the foyer, the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, all the bedrooms, the basement, the attic – there will be decorated trees, Santa Clauses, snow families, Nativity scenes, and menorahs everywhere.

Buyers’ Agent: How lovely!  (Mutters to Seller’s Agent) I should have just shown them a Santa’s Village.

Seller’s Agent: (To Buyers) So, I know you had some repair requests with the initial inspection, but what in particular did you want checked on this inspection?

Buyer 2: Oh, everything.

Seller’s Agent: Every thing?

Buyer 1: You know damage can hide anywhere, not to mention sleeper-agent asbestos and those pesky wood-boring insects.

Buyer’s Agent: Actually, the report mentioned that the house has been treated for termites and they regularly check for pests –

Buyer 1: HA!  Knew they were around.

(There is a banging on the front door: Seller’s Agent opens it to reveal a slovenly looking man carrying a lot of equipment)

Inspector: You all here for the Invasive Home Inspection?

Buyer 2: Yes, thank you.

(Inspector and the group stare at each other for a few moments)

Inspector: All right then.  I’ll start with the kitchen.  (He heads off for that room, starting a drill on the way)

Seller’s Agent: (Following him) Um, I don’t think that my clients want – (Is drowned out by the sound of wood being ripped apart)

Buyer 1: (To Buyer’s Agent) Do you think it would be too much if I devote one entire room to the 12 Days of Christmas and another entire room to the 8 Nights of Hanukkah?  This one thinks so.  (Indicates Buyer 2)

Buyer 2: And I still say that those themes should be spread throughout the entire house, not limited to one room each!

Buyer’s Agent: That’s the spirit.

(A gigantic crash is heard from the kitchen; the other three run in to see Inspector surrounded by fallen cabinets and ripped-up floorboards)

Seller’s Agent: (On a cell phone) I couldn’t stop him – I’m starting to doubt that he’s even licensed!

Buyer’s Agent: (To Inspector) What are you doing?!

Inspector: (Stops, holding a floorboard in the air) Inspecting.

Buyer 1: My word, man, don’t destroy the place before we even get a chance to live in it!

Inspector: (Climbs out of a hole in the floor) Listen, how else am I supposed to check whether there’s any damage behind the walls and under the floors if I don’t actually look behind the walls and under the floors?  You never know what could be living back there unless you tear away the protection they’re hiding behind.

Buyer 2: Surely, with modern technology, there has to be another way!  Heat-sensoring – or – something!

Inspector: What do you do for a living?

Buyer 2: … I’m in I.T. tech support.

Inspector: And do people tell you how to do your job?

Buyer 2: Yes, as a matter of fact, people loudly do so all the time!

Inspector: And they shouldn’t, because that is very rude.  (He begins jackhammering the floor)

Seller’s Agent: (Disconnects the call) All right, stop what you’re doing!  The seller just confirmed that none of this was authorized!

Inspector: (Stops the jackhammer) Sure it was.  (He pulls forms out of his back pocket, hands them to Seller’s Agent, and begins jackhammering again)

Buyer 1: (Reading the crumpled forms with the others) Oh yeah, it was.

Seller’s Agent: No recourse.  Oh, no recourse!

Inspector: (Stops jackhammering again) And good thing for you, too – just look at those little monsters.

(They all peer into the hole to see the swarm below)

All Except Inspector: Ewwwwwww….

Buyer 2: They would have destroyed our Star of Bethlehem and our Star of David!  And eaten all our food.

Seller’s Agent: I’ll be right back.  (Talks on the phone while leaving the room)

Buyers’ Agent: (Leans in towards Inspector) Find any buried treasure down there while you’re at it?

Inspector: Not yet – it wouldn’t be the first time, though.  These old houses are absolute gold mines.