Story 162: `Tis the Season to (Not) Give

            (Two women are seated next to each other at a long dining room table)

            Cousin 1: So, I got another set of address labels in the mail.

            Cousin 2: Oh no.

           Cousin 1: I would never be able to send enough mail to use all the labels they give me – do you ever send that much mail?

            Cousin 2: No, and even less as the years go by.

           Cousin 1: Maybe I should mail them back, but they can’t use those labels since they’re not, you know, me.

            Cousin 2: True.  Did you get the embroidered quilt from that one organization yet?

            Cousin 1: No, but I did get a set of calligraphy pens yesterday.

          Cousin 2: You know, I may actually have given money to whatever causes they say they’re promoting if I knew for certain that it would go to those causes, instead of to this stuff they send to bribe me into giving money.

            Cousin 1: I know!  It’s self-defeating.

            Cousin 2: I have an idea to get them to stop sending me stuff, but it may not work.

            Cousin 1: That’s all right – do tell.

            Cousin 2: From now on, every time I get one of those envelopes, I’m going to leave it in the mailbox with a note on that reads: “Return to Sender – I Have Died.”

            Cousin 1: Ha!  Wait, why not just write “Recipient Has Died”?

            Cousin 2: Reverse guilt, plus I want them to freak out that a ghost may have written it.

          Cousin 1: That might get them to take your name off their mailing list: “Stop Sending Me Unsolicited Junk – Your Chicanery Has Killed Me!”  Oh, thanks for the turkey, Grandma, it looks delicious.  (She takes a plate from Grandma and starts eating) You know, that also may work on the legitimate charities that send me requests for more money in the same letter that thanks me for the donation I had just sent.

            Cousin 2: (Also eating) Maybe, but I wouldn’t want to freak out the real ones too much: they may report us to the FBI that we’re committing mail fraud.

            Cousin 1: OK, we’ll just do it on the fake ones that send labels, then.  And the ones that send checks that we’re not supposed to cash.

            Cousin 2: Never understood that angle, unless it’s to get a copy of your signature if you do cash the check.

            Cousin 1: Ooh, that would be a devious little ploy.  I feel like I saw it on TV once.

            Cousin 2: You did.

         Cousin 1: Well, I suppose our lives are pretty good if all we have to complain about is neverending junk mail.

            Cousin 2: You have a point.  I only regret the amount of garbage and waste of resources that it generates.

            Cousin 1: (Raises glass) To reduced waste!

            Cousin 2: (Raises glass) I’ll give thanks to that!  And to that pumpkin pie with my name on it sitting over there.

Story 161: Connection Failed

            “I can’t believe that Thanksgiving is a week away.”

           “I know, right?  It still feels like I’m just getting over summer, and Halloween was a blip even though the decorations were everywhere since July.”

            “Yeah… Yep, just got the notice that most of I.T. will be unavailable on November 24.”

            “Oh, man!  They’re always unavailable for something – what is it this time?!”

            “…?”

            “Oh.  Right.  Never mind.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “Since it’s Tom’s birthday next Wednesday, I’ll mail his gift tomorrow so it should arrive a day or two before then.”

            “That’s a good idea – he told me he'll actually be out of town on a ski trip on his birthday, so you might even want to mail it now.”

            “Sure – thanks!  By the way, I have an extra ticket for that concert on Wednesday, if you know anybody who’d want to go.”

            “Hm – what about Tom?”

            “Tom?”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “For the concert next Wednesday.”

            “Yeah?”
            “Wouldn’t that be a little impossible?”

            “I don’t see why – he likes that band a lot.”

            “Would he be able to see the show from the slopes?”

            “Ohhhh….”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “I have a meeting at 2:00, so I need to move our other meeting to right now.”

            “No can do – I have a meeting in five.  How about 4:00?”

            “Got another meeting then.”

            “Hm.  Mind skipping lunch today?”

            “Yes.”

            “OK.  I’m taking my lunch after this meeting coming up, but I should be done around 1:50.  Want to do our meeting then?”

            “I have a meeting at 2!”

            “Oh, right.  How’s tomorrow looking?”

            “Terrible.  I have meetings all day.”

            “Um-hm.  So would 3:00 be all right then?”

            “!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “That new finance manager is so nice – I think she’ll do well here.”

            “I haven’t met her yet, but I hope so.  That last guy was an absolute troll.”

            “I’ll say.  Oh look, the newsletter’s in: here’s a picture with the new hires this month.”

            “Uh-huh, I’ve met all of them, except – who’s that lady on the left?”

            “…The new finance manager.”

            “Right!  Heh, heh, heh, hoo boy.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “It’s A applies to B except when there’s C; why can’t you remember that?!”

            “Sorry, the mind’s synapses fail to fire sometimes.  I’ll try harder.”

            “Please do – we really can’t have any more mistakes.” (Leaves)

            “Getting yelled at again?”

            “Yeah, I keep messing up the C bit.  Can’t seem to make the connection when it appears.”

            “Maybe just be on the lookout for it more often – that usually works for me.”

            “What does?”

Story 160: Junior Computer Class

(Supervisor leads Trainer to a classroom, then stops before opening the door)

Supervisor: By the way, thanks again for coming in at the last minute to replace our usual trainer.

Trainer: Not at all, I love teaching these classes – they reduce the number of panicked calls to I.T. by a good 30%.

Supervisor: True, but I do have to warn you about this group: they’re a bunch of babies.

Trainer: (Chuckles as they open the door and he enters the classroom) I’m sure they’re – (Trainer sees that the classroom is populated with 4-year-olds) Oh.  (The door quickly closes behind him as he stares at his class, befuddled.  One of the toddlers starts whinging) Good morning, class.  I’m your trainer from I.T., and I’ll be… demonstrating the system to you today.  Is everyone logged on?  (He sees that they all have computers at their little desks and that all have been logged on) Perfect: let’s start with creating spreadsheets.

(Forty-five minutes later)

Trainer: Once again, please do not put the mouse into your mouth; that type of behavior is very damaging to the equipment.  Are there any questions so far?  (General shifting around in chairs and several of the children start talking to each other) I must ask that you please refrain from sidebar conversations during our session.  (Wide eyes stare at him) Thank you.  Now, does everyone know how to generate these reports on their own?  (Several hands raise in the air) Yes, that’s good, and the rest of you?  (More hands raise in the air to join the ones still there) Do you need me to show you how to do it again? (All hands raise in the air) Right – watch what I am doing up on the projector screen, OK?

(Twenty minutes later)

Trainer: Let me get this straight: not one of you has ever hand coded a Web page before?!  (A stuffed animal is bounced off his head) All right, we’ll take a five minute break.

(Thirty minutes later)

Trainer: OK class, I think we’re ready to start running through some basic uploads to an FTP server, that’ll be fun, right?  (A hand raises in the air) Now I know for a fact that you just went potty, so I’m afraid I can’t allow you to leave in the middle of the session again just yet.

(An hour and a half later)

Trainer: Aaaaaaaand… there’s your data!  Isn’t it pretty?  Now, are there any more questions that I can answer?  (Silence) You guys have been great, this was an excellent class, you have my office number so call me if you have any questions whatsoever!  (He grabs his gear and flees)

            Toddler: Oh no, I forgot to ask him how we can reformat that last report!

            (The entire class bursts into tears)