Story 162: `Tis the Season to (Not) Give

            (Two women are seated next to each other at a long dining room table)

            Cousin 1: So, I got another set of address labels in the mail.

            Cousin 2: Oh no.

           Cousin 1: I would never be able to send enough mail to use all the labels they give me – do you ever send that much mail?

            Cousin 2: No, and even less as the years go by.

           Cousin 1: Maybe I should mail them back, but they can’t use those labels since they’re not, you know, me.

            Cousin 2: True.  Did you get the embroidered quilt from that one organization yet?

            Cousin 1: No, but I did get a set of calligraphy pens yesterday.

          Cousin 2: You know, I may actually have given money to whatever causes they say they’re promoting if I knew for certain that it would go to those causes, instead of to this stuff they send to bribe me into giving money.

            Cousin 1: I know!  It’s self-defeating.

            Cousin 2: I have an idea to get them to stop sending me stuff, but it may not work.

            Cousin 1: That’s all right – do tell.

            Cousin 2: From now on, every time I get one of those envelopes, I’m going to leave it in the mailbox with a note on that reads: “Return to Sender – I Have Died.”

            Cousin 1: Ha!  Wait, why not just write “Recipient Has Died”?

            Cousin 2: Reverse guilt, plus I want them to freak out that a ghost may have written it.

          Cousin 1: That might get them to take your name off their mailing list: “Stop Sending Me Unsolicited Junk – Your Chicanery Has Killed Me!”  Oh, thanks for the turkey, Grandma, it looks delicious.  (She takes a plate from Grandma and starts eating) You know, that also may work on the legitimate charities that send me requests for more money in the same letter that thanks me for the donation I had just sent.

            Cousin 2: (Also eating) Maybe, but I wouldn’t want to freak out the real ones too much: they may report us to the FBI that we’re committing mail fraud.

            Cousin 1: OK, we’ll just do it on the fake ones that send labels, then.  And the ones that send checks that we’re not supposed to cash.

            Cousin 2: Never understood that angle, unless it’s to get a copy of your signature if you do cash the check.

            Cousin 1: Ooh, that would be a devious little ploy.  I feel like I saw it on TV once.

            Cousin 2: You did.

         Cousin 1: Well, I suppose our lives are pretty good if all we have to complain about is neverending junk mail.

            Cousin 2: You have a point.  I only regret the amount of garbage and waste of resources that it generates.

            Cousin 1: (Raises glass) To reduced waste!

            Cousin 2: (Raises glass) I’ll give thanks to that!  And to that pumpkin pie with my name on it sitting over there.