Story 64: Board Game Battlefield

Player 1: Is it my turn?

Player 2: Just because I’m thinking before making a move doesn’t mean it’s your turn.

Player 1: I lost track and thought everyone was waiting for me.

(Player 2 moves a game piece)

            Player 3: Argh, you’re sending me back 20 spaces again?!

            Player 2: Have to – it’s in the rules.

            Player 3: (Moves piece back 20 spaces) I think we’re reading them wrong.

            Player 4: (Rolls dice and moves piece) Ha!  I landed on the green space!  Give me all the tokens!

            Player 2: You don’t get all the tokens, you just get half the tokens.

            Player 4: Close enough!  (Scoops in half the tokens)

            Player 1: (Rolls dice and moves piece) Does this mean I get to take The Bank?

            Player 2: You can keep it, or trade it in for a chance to advance to two spaces away from The End.

            Player 1: I’ll do it!  I’ll risk it all!  (Risks it all and fails)

            Player 2: Now you lose both a turn and any hope of a lead.

            Player 1: Curses!  Why didn’t I keep The Bank?!

            Player 3: Heh, no one keeps The Bank.

            Player 2: (Rolls dice and moves piece) I get to pick a card!

            Players 1, 3, and 4: Oooooooooooooh.

            Player 2: (Reads from the card) “Congratulations!  You have been chosen to sacrifice your game piece to save The Company.”  Did I just lose?

            Player 4: (Reads the instructions) `Fraid so, mate.  Thanks for playing.

            Player 2: Grumble, that’s the stupidest way to lose, grumble, ever, grumble.

            Player 3: Now, anything can happen.

            Player 1: Don’t say that!  You’ll jinx us all!

            Player 3: (Rolls dice and moves piece) Woo-hoo!  I’m almost at The End!

            Player 4: (Rolls dice and moves piece) And I actually am at The End!  I win, I win, you all lose!

            Player 1: Yes, you beat us all, can you leave now?

            Player 4: With pleasure.  (Leaves the game table and exits into a corporate board room.  Standing at the head of the table, Player 4 addresses the board members) Good news, people: I have been declared the victor, and we will now begin the process of assuming complete control over all three of your companies.  So moved!

            (The board members from the other companies leave with ashen faces)

            Player 4: (To Players 1, 2, and 3, who are leaving with their board members) See, wasn’t this so much better than a hostile takeover?

            Player 2: This still is a hostile takeover!

            Player 4: Yes, but we didn't know which one of us would triumph, and who wants to sit through a bidding war and poison pills?  This way is much more sporting. 

Story 63: New Years

            Year 1:

“Thank you so much for inviting me to your New Year’s party!  I brought the chips and dip!

            “Awesome!  Just set them down on the long table.”

            “Sure – oh, man!  I brought the dip and forget the chips!”

            “Don’t worry about it; we’ve got enough food and we can use the dip for something else here.”

            “Thanks.  Guess I know what my New Year’s resolution this year’s gonna be, eh?  Next time, don’t forget the chips, ahahahaha!”

            Year 2:

“OK, this year instead of chips and dip I made pigs-in-a-blanket.  One-stop shopping.”

            “Thanks.  Do you need help getting the stuff out of your car?”

            “…No, because they’re still sitting on my kitchen counter where I set them down while I got out my keys.  I’ll go back and get them!”

            “Don’t bother, we’ll be having dinner by the time you got there and back; just enjoy yourself.”

            “I don’t think I can now, but thanks anyway.”

            Year 3:

            “I got the drinks you asked for!  Success!”

            “Great!  Set them down on the table here, please.  Do you have the corkscrew?”

            “I thought you said you had one?”

            “No, I said mine broke and you offered to get one.”

            “That does sound like me.  Do you think we could steam these open, or break them against the wall?”

            “No, I’ll do a run later, and we have extra soda.”

            “Please don’t let anyone kill me.”

            Year 4:

            “Chocolate fountain!  I even brought stuff to dip in it – graham crackers, marshmallows, fruit, and cups if you want to drink the stuff!”

            “Splendid!  I’ll help you – we can use this pot for melting.  Where’d you put the chocolate?”

            “…Son of a – !”

            Year 5:

            “I brought nothing this year, but I will help you clean up everything after the party’s over.”

            “That is the best gift anyone could have gotten me.”

Story 62: What I Wanted for Christmas

             This year, I decided that I would ask Santa Claus if he could bring me world peace.

            “Santa, all I want for Christmas is world peace – could you just leave it for me wrapped under the tree?”

            “You know that’s impossible, and adults really shouldn’t be taking my time away from the children on the line, so get off my lap before I call Security!”

            I could see that was a dead end, so I lit a candle at Church and prayed really, really hard for world peace.  The next morning, I woke up to the same old garbage: no quick fix there.  There is a crèche set up near my neighborhood, and I walked over there one day and consulted with its residents.

            “What’s the secret?”  “Baa.”  “You guys usually only fight for survival – why can’t humans figure it out?”  “Moo.”  “Is it that there are too many of us crowding for space?”  “Oink.”  “Are we all just born evil?”  “Cluck-cluck-cluck.”  “You’re no help whatsoever.  Say ‘Hi’ to the Baby Jesus when he shows up in the manager, would you?”

            Why can no one give me world peace?  It’s not a selfish wish, and everyone would benefit – is planet-wide serenity too much to ask for?

            I went to my family’s Christmas party and when I was given my baby nephew to hold, I saw that the clichést of clichés was so for a reason: looking into his eyes, I saw pure joy and contentment and I felt that all was well in the two seconds before he began screaming for his bottle.

            Guess I’ll just have to settle for inner peace instead of world.  Oh well, there’s always next year.