Story 185: Gut in Need

(Inside a human digestive tract, several scattered bacteria wearing hard hats go gloomily about their work.  One approaches Lead Bacterium)

Worker Bacterium 1: Captain Bacteroides?

Lead Bacterium: Yes, Lieutenant Escherichia, what’s your status?

Worker Bacterium 1: Same as the past 15 years, sir: working beyond capacity in trying to digest the majority of what passes through.  The crew can never keep up, sir.

Lead Bacterium: This isn’t news, Lieutenant.

Worker Bacterium 1: Well sir, with all due respect, none of us are getting any younger.

Lead Bacterium: I refer you to my previous statement.

Worker Bacterium 1: To be perfectly frank, sir, the crew and I worry about what will happen to our Host in the long run, sooner rather than later.  There are fewer and fewer of us as the years go on, and, not to be indelicate, just this morning we lost another thousand crew members who will not be replaced, and it seems as if none of us ever will be –

Lead Bacterium: I’m well aware of that, Lieutenant!  (There is an embarrassed pause) Forgive me, Lieutenant, I shouldn’t have spoken so harshly; we’re all under a lot of stress.  You’re right, every loss affects us all and I feel each and every one, just as much as, if not more than, the rest of the crew.

Worker Bacterium 1: Thank you, sir.  If I may be so bold, we were wondering if you possibly had any ideas that could help us help our Host, seeing as we're mutually dependent on each other.

Lead Bacterium: (Leans on the ileum) How I and my predecessors have thought on this day and night – which all looks the same in here – ever since we began losing our compatriots in negative sums.  I keep asking myself: is it something that I’ve done?  Am I somehow keeping new recruits away simply with my mere presence here?

Worker Bacterium 1: Never, sir!

Lead Bacterium:  I appreciate that.  But I fear that we really are in a no-win situation, and our Host will be the one to suffer the most after the rest of us are long gone.

(Another Worker Bacterium approaches)

Worker Bacterium 2: Word from upstairs, Captain.

Lead Bacterium: Report, Ensign.

Worker Bacterium 2: Our Host is meeting a friend today, at that café she went to about six months ago: menu items mainly feature cheesecakes, cupcakes, eclairs, and petit fours.

Lead Bacterium: Son of a –

(On the way to the café, Host holds her rumbling belly)

Host: Quiet, you; I haven’t even eaten anything yet.  (She pops a pill as she embarks)

(Lead Bacterium coordinates the preparation for the next meal’s arrival when Lactase Enzyme Pill arrives)

Lactase Enzyme Pill: (Smiling brightly) Hi!  I’m the temp enzyme, reporting for duty!  I have a life span of one hour and can only break down lactose, but in my limited scope of practice I guarantee that I will give you 100%!

Lead Bacterium: (Stares at Lactase Enzyme Pill, then slumps across it, weeping) I hate how we need you so much!

(Lactase Enzyme Pill, still smiling, pats Lead Bacterium uncertainly)

(Host arrives at the café and sees Friend at a table)

Friend: Hi!  You look great!

Host: (Sits) You, too!  How long’s it been now, five years?

Friend: Actually, almost 12.

Host: Oh.  I think I misplaced a decade somewhere back there.

Friend: So, how are things?

Host: Oh you know, same as everybody else.  What you see online is what you get.

Friend: Yeah, but I’m glad we got to meet up in person for a change – being an electronic pen pal has its drawbacks.  Anyway, I’ve never been here before – what do you recommend?

Host: Oh, anything.  (Stomach rumbles)

Friend: You OK?

Host: Honestly, no.  I can’t eat anything – and I mean anything – without feeling terrible.  It’s been like this for years.

Friend: Seen a doctor?

Host: I refuse to get on that treadmill!  (Picks up a menu) So, I’ve heard the strawberry shortcake cupcake is to die for.

Friend: (Snatches away the menu) Listen, you should get a second opinion on this, but you may want to think about taking probiotics.

Host: That sounds terrible.

Friend: No, they’re the bacteria you need to digest your food.  You have them now, but they may need some back-up.

Host: Wait a minute, wait a minute: I never paid attention in science class, so are you saying that I have creatures living inside my belly eating my food on me?!  And I actually may need more of them?!

Friend: Very likely, yes – they mostly hang out in your large intestine, though.

Host: Knock it off, Honors student, I’m already this close to throwing up.

Friend: They basically keep you running normally, and it’s so convenient now to resupply yourself just by eating stuff like yogurt.  You can even get them as pills in a store!

Host: It sounds fishy: I refuse to consume something that screams “cancer” all the way down my esophagus.

Friend: They don’t cause cancer; they’re natural.

Host: Nothing natural comes in pill form.

Friend: Look, I’ll give you the name of a company that sells them and you can check on all of it yourself, but I’m telling you, I know some people who had the same problem you do and feel so much better after they started taking them.  You still should see a doctor just to be certain it’s not something else –

Host: I stopped listening after “feel so much better.”

(As the Sisyphean task of digesting the café meal commences, Worker Bacterium 3 approaches Lead Bacterium)

Worker Bacterium 3: There’s a new report from upstairs, Captain: there is a possibility that reinforcements may be sent in.  As in, actual, permanent, full-time reinforcements.  I’m trying not to get too excited, sir.

Lead Bacterium: As you shouldn’t, Ensign – disappointment’s bad for morale.  Back to work.  (Looks around) Where’d that temp go?

Worker Bacterium 1: The temp’s watch has ended, sir.

Lead Bacterium: (Removes hard hat) As it will for us all soon enough, Lieutenant.

(In a health food store, Host stares at shelves of bottles as Employee approaches)

Employee: Probiotics?

Host: HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Employee: Pretty much all our first-timers who aren’t bodybuilders come in for those.  We recommend this one. (Hands her a bottle)

Host: (Staring at it, whispers) My own little colony….

(Hours later)

Lead Bacterium: (Dictating into an unseen recorder) Our numbers dwindling, more and more fuel and garbage continue on their way through our corridors: undigested, unproductive, unbearable.  I feel myself beginning to slide down that slippery slope called Despair, heading towards that land called Doom –

Worker Bacterium 2: Captain!  Word from upstairs – reinforcements are on their way as we speak!

Lead Bacterium: Impossible.  After all these years?  What if it’s true but it’s too late; what if we’re ironically saved right at the very end; I can’t take this, I just can’t!

Worker Bacterium 2: Captain!  Respectfully request that you cease freaking out, sir.

Lead Bacterium: Request denied!

(A complement of new bacteria arrives, in formation)

Spokesbacterium: (To Lead Bacterium) Are you in command of this regiment?

Lead Bacterium: What’s left of it, yes.

Spokesbacterium: Lactobacillus, Bifidobacteria, and all the necessary parties for digestion here: deploy us as you see fit.

Lead Bacterium: (Hugs a group of the new bacteria) Bless you, bless you, bless you!  You can’t know how we’ve suffered all this time!

Spokesbacterium: Judging by the state of this colon, I have an inkling.

(Some time later, Host relaxes on a lounge chair)

Host: (Typing to Friend) “You were right, never felt better in my adult life – I owe you big time.”  (Looking at her gut) Rest easy, soldiers.

Lead Bacterium: Aye-aye, Captain.

Story 184: Unwanted Roommates?

As the human read her book in her comfy chair, her right hand began to itch like anything.  Looking down at it, she saw a tell-tale red bump on the back; looking off to the side, she saw a tell-tale mosquito clinging to the wall.

“Did you just bite me?” she asked as she scratched the itch against all known advice.

“Who wants to know?” was the question that was the answer to the question.

“I do, I’m the one who just asked you!”  The human snapped; meanwhile, the bump had tripled its original size and showed no signs of ceasing its progress.

“Oh,” the mosquito said while licking her proboscis, “then in that case, yes I did.  Couldn’t be helped: got to make my babies somehow.”

The human found some calamine lotion and vigorously rubbed a quart of it onto her hand.  “You know, I don’t begrudge you the blood, I’ve got plenty, but I do begrudge the possible disease and the week-long itchy-itchy-itchiness!  Couldn’t you just drink and fly without all that?”

“I already do, I even numb you up a little while I’m at it!  You need me to hold your hand too or something?”

“You only numb it so I don’t smush you mid-drink!”

“That.  And that’s all I do – it’s your own body that’s itching with the reaction of my sipping, go take it up with yourself.”

“But you started it!”

“This one bothering you?”  The spider hanging by a thread next to the human’s shoulder chimed in; the human reflexively drew back.

The mosquito, in a combination of braggadocio and terror, remarked, “Oh, I see it’s that type of neighborhood” before flying out the window, screaming.

The human continued to stare at the spider, who said “You’re welcome” to fill the void.

“And how long have you been here?” the former asked.

“Depends on what you mean by ‘here,’” the spider replied, swinging to the corner.  “Is it ‘here’ as in the spot where I am right now, or ‘here’ as in the house in general?”

“The second.”

“In that case, forever.  Since you’re relatively new, would you like the official tour?  I’ve noticed you haven’t even begun to explore the wonders of the attic’s eaves.”

“And I see you’ve set up a nice little home for yourself,” the human said as she tried to back away unobtrusively from the ginormous web she had only just now noticed.  “I suppose I’ll let you stay, since you do help weed out the riffraff.”  In silent agreement, the itchy bump had nearly completed its transformation into a third hand.

The spider chuckled.  “That’s rich, since this whole neighborhood was our home before you apes-with-airs came along to plant your real estate flags.  If anything, we let you stay.  We could very easily dispatch you in your sleep and there’d be nothing you or your ilk could do about it.  But: we don’t.”

“…We????”

The spider swung by her for dramatic effect: “You don’t actually think you live here alone, do you?”

“I was under the presumption that I did.  The mortgage company certainly thinks so.”

“Hate to disappoint – scratch that, love to disappoint – there are quite of a few of us sharing the ol’ abode with you.  We keep a low profile for self-preservation, but I’d recommend not looking too closely under, between, and/or on top of the furniture, unless you’re in the mood for a surprise.”

The human felt her world become a strange and crowded place.  “What am I going to do?!  I’ll have to hire an exterminator, and I hate extra bills!”

“I don’t see why,” the spider said as she rolled up her lunch that had just flown in.  “This hasn’t been an issue before now, we all benefit from this arrangement, why bring bad fortune on yourself by wiping out your fellow residents?  What did they ever do to you?”

“This!”  She held up her heavy hand, which now weighed almost as much as her head.

“That was an outsider,” the spider said, slurping.  “You know very well that she wasn’t one of us.  I’d introduce you to the rest of the group if I didn’t have a feeling you’d then kill them all.”

The human downed several tablespoons of antihistamine, headed to her bedroom, and declared before entering: “I’m going to sleep now.  When I wake up, I would appreciate your and the group members’ assistance in the illusion that this was all a fever dream.”

“Fine by me,” the spider said as she started working on dinner and the human collapsed onto her bed.  “I think we both can agree that it’s easiest to deal with pests by ignoring them.”

Story 183: I Don’t Spend That Much

            Friend 2 appeared on Friend 1’s doorstep one morning, like a newspaper: “Hi.  I think I need help.”

          “OK, get in here,” Friend 1 said, pulling her inside.  “This must really be bad: you never admit to anything.”

           “That’s not tr– yeah, you’re right, I don’t,” Friend 2 admitted as they sat at the kitchen table; the necessary mugs of tea appeared at hand.  “The truth is, I keep leaving myself short each month and if I keep going on like this I’m probably going to debtors’ prison.”

            Friend 1 ate a biscotti to buy some time.  “Right: you’re not in a Dickens novel, so no worries on being sent to a no-longer-existent prison – ”

            “Phew!”  Friend 2 slumped back in the chair.  “That’s certainly a load off the ol’ mind.”

            “However,” Friend 1 continued; Friend 2 unslumped herself, “if you’re in extreme debt then you’ll probably have to pay creditors for – ever.  And it’s possible you could wind up in regular non-violent-offender prison, which is a step up from the other kind.”

            Friend 2 tapped her fingers on the unsatisfyingly rapidly cooling mug.  “Well, if those are the worst case scenarios, I’m not so bad off.  Bye!”  She stood to leave.

            “Hey!”  She sat back down.  “I thought you needed my help?”

           “Oh yeah, sure,” Friend 2 remembered.  “I’ve been having the awful feeling for some time now that, even though I don’t spend that much, sometimes I may actually be spending a little too much.  Money, that is.”

            Friend 1 gave a non-committal “Uh-huh.”

            “And I may possibly – just possibly, mind – need to cut down a slight bit, but I don’t know where to start, everything seems necessary, and I can’t seem to stop!”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “Fine: won’t seem to stop.  Will you help me, please?”

          “Now this is something I can work with,” Friend 1 replied, materializing notepads, pens, calculators, and a reference book on household budgets onto the kitchen table: Friend 2 did not see where they came from and did not know where to look first.  “Right: you need to make a list of your income and a list of things you spend your money on every day and every month, and then we’ll work out which ones you absolutely need and which ones you only want.”

            “OK.”  Friend 2 was still in shock as Friend 1 unnecessarily sharpened all the pencils; a visor had appeared on the latter woman’s head as the former one was blinking.

            “So!”  Friend 1 was poised with a pen at the ready.  “Tell me what you make each month.”  Done too quickly.  “Now, what are your regular expenses that you absolutely cannot do without?”

            “Oh that’s easy.”  Friend 2 began ticking off of her fingers: “Water, electricity, gas, rent, Internet – ”

            “Hmm on that last one,” Friend 1 said, holding her pen in the air as her brain worked, then resumed writing, “yep, that went from luxury to necessity in a generation: proceed.”

            Friend 2 had to find her place again: “Laundromat, phone, cable – ”

            “Aha!”  Friend 1 pointed the pen at her.  “There’s your first opportunity: cut the cord and be free!”

            “But if I bundle the services – ”

            “Never fall for that!  It’s decided: away it goes.”  Friend 2 saw her draw several lines through the condemned word.  “Next?”

            “Um, groceries – ”

            “Practically goes without saying.”

            “Car payments – ”

            “Pay it in full and be done with it.”

            “But I can’t, that’s why it’s on a plan.”

            “We’ll see about that.  And?”

            This was getting harder.  “Insurance, shoes – ”

            “I’m sorry what was that last one?”  The pen had dropped.

            Friend 2 knew that she had awakened the beast.  “Shoes.  I need them!  Everything’s made from such garbage that they wear out before I’ve barely worn them.”

            “And how many pairs do you buy each – week?”  Friend 1 thought she was overdoing it: no one was that bad.

            “Two.”  Friend 2 dodged the pen thrown at her.  “I can’t wear the same pair every day, people would notice!”

            “And?!”

            “And… it’d be embarrassing.”

            Friend 1 stared at her as if she had never heard anything more inconsequential in her life.  She stared until Friend 2 could no longer meet her eyes, then pronounced:  “There will be a moratorium on your shoe buying, to be revisited in five years.  Make do with the 300+ pairs you currently have.”

            “Yes’m.”  The actual number was not far off.

            Friend 1 returned to her notepad with a new pen: “Continue.”

            “Um, I do buy coffee every day – ”

            “Not anymore.”

            “But I really do need that!  It helps me wake up in the morning!”
          “You’ve addicted yourself to it and need to stop cold turkey.  If you need that much help waking up in the morning, try going to bed earlier the night before.”

            That made some sort of sense.  “Maybe.  Let’s see: I like to buy expansion packs on some games – ” Friend 1 stared blankly at her – “which I will now hold off doing for a while.”  Friend 1 went back to the notepad.  “That’s probably about it.”

            Friend 1 stared at her again.  “Don’t lie to me.”

            “I’m not!  I really can’t think of anything else I spend my money on that regularly.”

            “What’s that all over your face right now?”

“…Make-up?”
“Ditch it: nobody cares.”

“Oh come on!”

“The whole industry is a brainwashing scam!  The only people who need it are performers and funeral home viewings!”

This was too much: “You know I have an acne problem!  And at my age!  What am I supposed to cover it up with?!”

“Try acne medication!”

“Yeah, well, I think make-up makes me look good, and who are you to judge?!”

“I’m the one you came to to save you money, and this would be at least – ” she tapped a bunch of numbers into the calculator – “$195 a month!  And I’m just referencing the cheap brands!”

“Fine!  No more make-up, I’ll just be a giant ugly pimple!”

“A pimple who’ll have saved at least $195 a month!”

Friend 2 was not finished sulking and crossed her arms to prove it.  “Anything else?”

Friend 1 was finalizing her spreadsheet and looked up suddenly: “I don’t know, IS THERE?”

Friend 2  thought for a moment: “No, that’s it.”

“All right then,” Friend 1 said, handing her the report.  “Immediately cease buying, renting, and/or subscribing to the items in column C, and follow the attached payment plans for the items in column D."

Friend 2 scanned the papers.  “How could – you didn’t even know I was coming over today!  How did you do all this just now?!”

“Being organized solves nearly every problem.”

“Except acne.”

“Indeed.”