Friend
2 appeared on Friend 1’s doorstep one morning, like a newspaper: “Hi. I think I need help.”
“OK,
get in here,” Friend 1 said, pulling her inside. “This must really be bad: you never admit to
anything.”
“That’s
not tr– yeah, you’re right, I don’t,” Friend 2 admitted as they sat at the
kitchen table; the necessary mugs of tea appeared at hand. “The truth is, I keep leaving myself short
each month and if I keep going on like this I’m probably going to debtors’
prison.”
Friend
1 ate a biscotti to buy some time. “Right:
you’re not in a Dickens novel, so no worries on being sent to a
no-longer-existent prison – ”
“Phew!” Friend 2 slumped back in the chair. “That’s certainly a load off the ol’ mind.”
“However,”
Friend 1 continued; Friend 2 unslumped herself, “if you’re in extreme debt then
you’ll probably have to pay creditors for – ever. And it’s possible you could wind up in
regular non-violent-offender prison, which is a step up from the other kind.”
Friend
2 tapped her fingers on the unsatisfyingly rapidly cooling mug. “Well, if those are the worst case scenarios,
I’m not so bad off. Bye!” She stood to leave.
“Hey!” She sat back down. “I thought you needed my help?”
“Oh
yeah, sure,” Friend 2 remembered. “I’ve
been having the awful feeling for some time now that, even though I don’t spend
that much, sometimes I may actually
be spending a little too much. Money, that is.”
Friend
1 gave a non-committal “Uh-huh.”
“And
I may possibly – just possibly, mind – need to cut down a slight bit, but I don’t
know where to start, everything seems necessary, and I can’t seem to stop!”
“Uh-huh.”
“Fine:
won’t seem to stop. Will you help me, please?”
“Now
this is something I can work with,” Friend 1 replied, materializing notepads,
pens, calculators, and a reference book on household budgets onto the kitchen
table: Friend 2 did not see where they came from and did not know where to look
first. “Right: you need to make a list
of your income and a list of things you spend your money on every day and every
month, and then we’ll work out which ones you absolutely need and which ones
you only want.”
“OK.”
Friend 2 was still in shock as Friend 1 unnecessarily
sharpened all the pencils; a visor had appeared on the latter woman’s head as
the former one was blinking.
“So!” Friend 1 was poised with a pen at the ready. “Tell me what you make each month.” Done too quickly. “Now, what are your regular expenses that you
absolutely cannot do without?”
“Oh
that’s easy.” Friend 2 began ticking off
of her fingers: “Water, electricity, gas, rent, Internet – ”
“Hmm
on that last one,” Friend 1 said, holding her pen in the air as her brain
worked, then resumed writing, “yep, that went from luxury to necessity in a
generation: proceed.”
Friend
2 had to find her place again: “Laundromat, phone, cable – ”
“Aha!” Friend 1 pointed the pen at her. “There’s your first opportunity: cut the cord
and be free!”
“But
if I bundle the services – ”
“Never
fall for that! It’s decided: away it
goes.” Friend 2 saw her draw several
lines through the condemned word. “Next?”
“Um,
groceries – ”
“Practically
goes without saying.”
“Car
payments – ”
“Pay
it in full and be done with it.”
“But
I can’t, that’s why it’s on a plan.”
“We’ll
see about that. And?”
This
was getting harder. “Insurance, shoes – ”
“I’m
sorry what was that last one?” The pen
had dropped.
Friend
2 knew that she had awakened the beast. “Shoes. I need them!
Everything’s made from such garbage that they wear out before I’ve
barely worn them.”
“And
how many pairs do you buy each – week?”
Friend 1 thought she was overdoing it: no one was that bad.
“Two.” Friend 2 dodged the pen thrown at her. “I can’t wear the same pair every day, people
would notice!”
“And?!”
“And…
it’d be embarrassing.”
Friend
1 stared at her as if she had never heard anything more inconsequential in her
life. She stared until Friend 2 could no
longer meet her eyes, then pronounced: “There
will be a moratorium on your shoe buying, to be revisited in five years. Make do with the 300+ pairs you currently
have.”
“Yes’m.” The actual number was not far off.
Friend
1 returned to her notepad with a new pen: “Continue.”
“Um,
I do buy coffee every day – ”
“Not
anymore.”
“But
I really do need that! It helps me wake up in the morning!”
“You’ve addicted yourself to it and need to stop cold turkey. If you need that much help waking up in the morning, try going to bed earlier the night before.”
“You’ve addicted yourself to it and need to stop cold turkey. If you need that much help waking up in the morning, try going to bed earlier the night before.”
That
made some sort of sense. “Maybe. Let’s see: I like to buy expansion packs on
some games – ” Friend 1 stared blankly at her – “which I will now hold off
doing for a while.” Friend 1 went back
to the notepad. “That’s probably about
it.”
Friend
1 stared at her again. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m
not! I really can’t think of anything
else I spend my money on that regularly.”
“What’s
that all over your face right now?”
“…Make-up?”
“Ditch it: nobody cares.”
“Ditch it: nobody cares.”
“Oh come on!”
“The whole
industry is a brainwashing scam! The
only people who need it are performers and funeral home viewings!”
This was too
much: “You know I have an acne problem!
And at my age! What am I supposed
to cover it up with?!”
“Try acne
medication!”
“Yeah, well, I
think make-up makes me look good, and who are you to judge?!”
“I’m the one you
came to to save you money, and this would be at least – ” she tapped a bunch of
numbers into the calculator – “$195 a month! And I’m just referencing the cheap brands!”
“Fine! No more make-up, I’ll just be a giant ugly
pimple!”
“A pimple who’ll
have saved at least $195 a month!”
Friend 2 was not
finished sulking and crossed her arms to prove it. “Anything else?”
Friend 1 was
finalizing her spreadsheet and looked up suddenly: “I don’t know, IS THERE?”
“All right then,”
Friend 1 said, handing her the report. “Immediately
cease buying, renting, and/or subscribing to the items in column C, and follow the
attached payment plans for the items in column D."
Friend 2 scanned
the papers. “How could – you didn’t even
know I was coming over today! How did
you do all this just now?!”
“Being organized
solves nearly every problem.”
“Except acne.”
“Indeed.”
Hilarious and sounds familiar. Well written and good advice.
ReplyDelete:-) Thank you very much!
ReplyDelete